Challenging Love to Be Unconditional - PART 76

HOME WE WERE--OR WERE WE?

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Intermission No. 4 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54Part 55 Part 56 Part 57 Part 58 Part 59 Part 60 Intermission No. 5 Part 61 Part 62 Part 63 Part 64 Part 65 Part 66 Part 67 Part 68 Part 69 Part 70 Part 71 Part 72 Part 73 Part 74 Part 75

Quinn had shown me her picture on FB, and a few of the photos he took while he was with her before our India trip.  I could feel his greatest interest in getting home wasn’t about being at the Garden of Eden, but instinctively knew he would be reuniting with his new lover soon.  

We spent a few touchy days together “at home” while he shared his secret plan to show up in Tucson at the Gem and Mineral Show where she would be with a friend, and give her a great surprise by his unannounced presence.

Another layer of jealousy already reared its ugly head as Quinn and I had been making this show our own inspired get away for the past several years and celebrated his birthday together with his extended family.  We had invested ourselves in some unique and powerful catering realities at the show, had made friends, and looked forward to the experience more every year.  

Now it was her turn to go instead of me--which I didn’t like one little bit.  I knew I had to deal with my own feelings so made my best attempt in honoring what he wanted as I could see he was joyful about the possibilities.

He shared a bit more about her with me.  One of the most devastating parts to me was that he told me she was “ready”.  “Ready” meant that she was in alignment with being with him, committed to rethinking everything, to evolution, to the upcoming immersion into motherhood, to receiving the wisdom he had to offer, and to share herself like she had never done before.

OH GOD!  Talk about pushing my buttons!  

I could feel immediate judgment of myself for not being “ready”, for not being able to change quickly enough, or to “be” enough to satisfy this man and maintain the amazing life we had built together.  His focus shifted to the one who was “ready”, while I would have to stand in my own power or my own misery, and rethink my entire existence alone.

I did gratefully know the power of Quinn’s love and could feel the underlying current of our love that was like no other.  But I still struggled to let go, even though deep inside I knew the higher road would be to bless them and to not attempt to selfishly control the situation, while keeping someone else from experiencing the magnificence of such unimaginable love.

I admit that I wanted it all for myself though I knew I had no choice in the matter.  The best I could do was step aside and find a way to love myself even more, though at the time I was definitely feeling myself as less, especially in comparing myself to her….younger, captivating of his attention, active in the world of parties and night life, in an exciting new phase of evolution, the mother of his yet unborn child, and….R-E-A-D-Y!

AARGH!!

Being with him these last few days while he was spryly excited about making plans to be with her was excruciatingly painful.  I had just scratched the surface in looking at myself, and looking at him looking forward to being with her made my wounds ache and bleed and made me hyper aware that I had much work to do.

It would have been all too easy to continue to blame Quinn for my experience, or I could have run to others to get them on my side to validate me, justify my feelings, and give me their energy to make me feel better.   I had already come far enough to know this was all in alignment and that there was a big lesson for me to learn if I could just keep the focus on being responsible for myself, no matter what came up or how intense my feelings would become.

The love I had experienced with Quinn was so intoxicating and I knew I was in for some withdrawals.  I also knew I didn't have the right to limit his experience of life, and in the grand scheme of things more love in the world was better for everyone.

OMG what powerful times these were.  Some of the greatest growth I've done in my life was through these difficult moments, standing with myself immersed in the intensity of great change.

Thank you for reading my blog and for going
on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!

Stay Tuned for Part 77

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