Challenging Love to Be Unconditional - PART 65

STAND IN IT!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Intermission No. 4 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54 Part 55 Part 56 Part 57 Part 58 Part 59 Part 60 Intermission No. 5 Part 61 Part 62 Part 63 Part 64

After a good long cry, questioning, blaming, snuggling in each other’s arms, talking about lots of things I hadn’t and still really didn’t want to hear, reassessing my entire existence, and gratefully feeling so fucking much, we arrived in India.  

We were greeted in grand form.  An exquisite fresh flower lei was hung around Quinn’s neck as the entourage of people presented themselves to him in ways that bridged the language barrier, but adamantly showed their honor and respect for him, treating him as a guru.  Lots of photos were taken and we were treated to a traditional Indian meal at a restaurant.  We were the only two who feasted, the others oddly sat at the table and observed.  

Though Quinn had not met any of these people in person, they could feel the power of his presence even before we ever arrived, and their excitement to have him there was obvious. 

They arranged for our stay in a personal home, and eventually gave us our own little house on the testing site.  

They took us shopping to buy us clothing that was more “appropriate” for their culture. 

The photo opportunities were astounding in every moment, as everything, everywhere, was fresh to the eye--so many things we never see in America, and many other countries we had been to as well.  Life is lived out loud and in the open, everything from bathing, picking fleas and cutting hair, sewing, and even men peeing on the streets.

I played my role as photographer, while attempting to curtail my internal explosion.  

I was incredibly grateful for such much newness to focus on, and for the continued opportunity to capture Quinn’s essence and be in appreciation for the grander experience of simply being together.  I did my best to keep my distance from him which was quite the challenge, considering the years we had spent together in fluid and constant touch. I still felt incredibly drawn to him, which I felt I should not act upon. (Yes, I was “shoulding” on myself!)  I put up walls to resist the magnetic pull, going against everything I felt inside to love him more.  While we were alone together our time was sacred, and he still continued to hold love as the dominant vibration.  It was an incredible challenge for me to live the dichotomy of remaining open to love, and at the same time holding myself back from expressing it.

I did lots of yoga and meditation which helped to keep me grounded.  I edited the many hundreds of photos I took daily, while Quinn created a series of videos on his insights of India from our journey.

He also stayed in lengthy contact with his to-be-baby-mama via email.  He asked how I would feel if she came to India to join us.  I couldn’t see how that would happen.  We were still sleeping in the same bed together, though keeping it to a spooning cuddle and massage.  If she came what would happen?  Would I relinquish my many year space next to him and watch her be with him in my stead?  OH GOD!!!  The inner challenge became greater still, pushing me to look even deeper within to a place that I had no idea even existed.

She didn’t come to India as we were uncertain of our length of stay, and he told me she would not want to give up her own sense of fashion to wear the clothing the Indian people felt more ease with us to wear.  

I knew that even though I didn’t feel the clothes they obtained for me were flattering to me at all, I still knew that I would dress anyway just to be with Quinn, and that my relationship with him was way deeper than a superficial costume on the outside.  Of course I used that in my mind to justify that their love was not as deep as ours.  One of the many ways I assured myself of our own greater love for each other.

I had never been faced with such intensity of emotion as this whole scenario with another woman in the picture unfolded.  My internal struggle seemed to intensify as I stifled my expression, while trying to still stand in the love I could not deny.  I tried to come to acceptance of “what is”, and still be true to myself of the “what is” I was feeling internally.  Distractions of the daily cultural immersion proved to give me reprieve, but I knew that truly facing my own demons was what was going to have to happen, though I wasn’t sure how my shattered heart in this little body was going to handle the magnitude of the energetics that were now permeating my reality.

There is no escape!
I still can’t run away from myself no matter how hard I want to try!

Stand in it Shellie!
Stand in it!  

Breathe!
Be here right now--take it ALL in!

AAAARGH!!!!!

A reflective moment in silent inspiration.
A very powerful video opportunity came through this moment's portal.
As a matter of fact, Quinn created an entire India Vortex Series, see the first one here.
He shares his  (after his baby-mama phone call) DFW airport departure,
our plane ride to and arrival in India, as well as other insights.
Ohhhh...just the first of dozens.

Thank you for reading my blog and for going
on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!

Stay Tuned for Part 66

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