Challenging Love to Be Unconditional - PART 64

FEELING SO FUCKING MUCH!!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Intermission No. 4 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54 Part 55 Part 56 Part 57 Part 58 Part 59 Part 60 Intermission No. 5 Part 61 Part 62 Part 63

Sitting on the plane next to each other there was an air of distance between us.
And at the same time, there was the feeling of total cohesion and love eternal.
I was so confused inside of myself and was grasping at straws to understand this paradox.

I had always been the one to leave a relationship (except with my was-bund which was more of a mutual understanding).  I never knew how to break up, as I was always simply clear that I was done with my man and there was no question but to move on. Most times I just cut the cords and went on with my life.   But I didn’t feel anyway in control of this situation, I didn’t feel done and ready to move on, and I also didn’t feel that expanse of separation that I would have expected to feel with such a huge shift in my reality.

Somehow love was still present!  Though I could feel the reorganization of form, the underlying love was stable and true.  I cried in his arms, barely maintaining my composure enough not to disturb others on the plane for all of our hours in transit to India.  Quinn no doubt had his own reality check and process of death and rebirth as he had just found out himself that a child would come to this planet through his vortex.  

But even in his own transition, he stayed present with me and my broken heart.

He reminded me to be present.  He reminded me to not get caught up in ideas.  He reminded me that being together was still incredibly extraordinary and that I could be enjoying this time together, though was also totally supportive of my grieving process.  He held space for me to find my balance and to remember that love simply is.  He held me.  He shared with me everything I was open to and capable of hearing.  He shared with me a small gift she had sent him in the mail for his journey and the note she wrote him which showed me the realness of her heart in true love.  

I was unnerved.
I was pained.  
I was devastated.  
I was crushed.
I was also supported.
I was acknowledged.
I was seen.
I was heard.
I was loved.

How could love be so much?  
How could love continue to be the constant in all of this turmoil?  
How could I still feel his love so deeply when my heart was shattered and all over the place?  

It was obvious this was not a love I had ever experienced.
This was no ordinary love!!

I had never felt so torn and so broken into slivered and jagged shards.  I felt all over the place and so disconnected from myself and everything around me.  The feelings were so deep and so real, and even though nothing else truly existed for me except this situation in this moment, there was no denying that I was ALIVE!!!

This was the most difficult day of my life, but it was clear to me that this was part of my path and that I was getting the opportunity to break my cycle of fear and release many layers of dysfunction I held within.    I was still in emotional chaos by the end of the plane ride and still blaming Quinn for most all of my pain.  But one thing I knew for certain--I was incredibly grateful for the opportunity to... 

FEEL SOOOOOO FUCKING MUCH!

Thank you for reading my blog and for going
on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!

Stay Tuned for Part 65

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