Before I get into the saga that has become my life, I would be remiss not to acknowledge how this community made me feel the other day — to be blunt, it made me proud to be human, it made me proud to be associated — part of, a community that embraced one its own, just because he needed to be, at a time, where each moment in his life seemed to be worse than the last.
It can be easy to theorize about the many facets of humanity, to sit back and ponder, the good and bad aspects of a world still trying figure itself out… But to see it in action, to witness it firsthand coming to the aid of someone who has almost forgotten what it feels like to be part of something bigger then himself — gives hope, to what has seemed like a hopeless situation.
Beyond all the financial support, which was -- and is desperately needed and greatly appreciated.., it was the generosity of spirit, all the good vibes and thoughts -- that touched my heart, literally bringing me to tears more than once (and Im not much of crier)… So, a big THANK YOU to everyone who took the time out of their day to empathize with a fellow human being. It is appreciated, more than you know…
I started off the original post, by saying -- I was dreading and putting off writing a post like this… But there were two things that inspired (forced) me to actually sit down and write it…
First.., this past Sunday, I had run into some old friends, people I haven't seen in many years -- we had a mutual friend that had committed suicide a few months ago… I was, at different times in my life, pretty tight with this guy who killed himself.., and so were a few of the people I had bumped into…
Eventually, his name was brought up.., and the first thing out of everyones mouth was the sentence -- "I wish I would have know…" Mine too -- I said the same thing. We had seen each other through hard times in the past, going all the way back to high-school and then years later when we ran into each other in Los Angeles. There is something very special about old friends, people you have history with, that has the ability to see you through tough times…
We lost touch with each other while we were still both living out west, no particular reason -- just life. When I moved back to NYC, I had no idea he was already living back on the east coast, too… It wasn't until I started getting messaged on Facebook -- I don't do Facebook, yes I have an account but I literally have a handful of posts on it… But it was obvious something was going on, so I answered one of those messages from a very old friend from the past. He didn't waste any time.., the first thing out of his mouth was --
"Dave is dead."
There was a pause.., where disbelief is the first thing that floods your mind… Then he continued -- "Nobody knew how to get a hold of you, what part of the world you were even living in…"
I cut him off -- "What the fuck happened..?" Another long pause --
He hesitated with his next words -- "He killed himself.., shot himself in the head."
My whole being just wanted to scream… I actually felt like I was screaming, only no sound was coming out. He could sense the feelings I was going through, no doubt, he had those very same ones, when he first learned of our old friends death -- by his own hands.
And then that sentence -- "I wish I would have known…" I don't know how times we each said it during our conversation -- but it was more than a few times… It was a complete shock to me and everyone that knew him -- but time goes by, life smacks you around a bit.., and you lose that connection you once had, to those you were once so close too…
His death inspired a poem I wrote here on Steemit a few months ago -- https://steemit.com/poetry/@macksby/old-friends
And then.., the very next day, after running into those old friends, this past Monday, just a few days ago --
My Mom passed away…
And like many of us would say about our mothers -- she was the best mother anyone could have ever had… She lived for her children, everything she did, she did for us. She had suffered a lot -- her mind had been ravaged by alzheimers.., and it had been quite a while since she had been the mother I knew -- it's a horrible disease, that robs you of your loved ones, before they are even gone.
It was my fathers birthday, the day she died -- February 19th.., she had been moved into a hospice just the a day or two before.., so I knew it wouldn't be long… My sister called me from the hospice and put the phone up to my Moms ear.., I got to tell her how much I loved her and that nobody could have had a better mother and not to be afraid… She was completely unresponsive at this stage.., and for the rest of the conversation I had with my sister, she had me on speaker phone, so my Mom could hear my voice.., and they could swear they thought they heard her try and say my name (ah.., this is so hard to write)…
My sister would call me about 30 minutes later.., to tell me our mother had died, just seconds after she heard my voice -- like she was waiting to hear from me, before she left… I have not cried this much in years.., and like I said earlier, Im not much of a crier… To be honest, I was relieved for her -- she had been in so much pain and suffered so much, I was glad she didn't have to go through all that any longer.
And even though my parents had been divorced for many, many years.., they always stayed friends… Neither one of them had ever remarried or even had a serious significant other -- they were the love of each others life.., and I was sure my Dad who passed-away years ago, would be waiting for her, to guide her onto whatever lies beyond, to remove any fear she might have of the unknown -- so she could continue her journey surrounded by love.
But back here on this planet.., as if I wasn't dealing with enough already -- now I felt completely alone… And it wasn't until a few hours after I wrote the original post about my present situation, that I felt her presence -- a sense of unconditional love just engulfed my whole being… and even though the Steemit community had no idea my mother had died, it was that out-pouring of affection that I experienced from you all, that helped to lighten my soul and let that sense of love I felt that night enter my heart.
So, once again -- THANK YOU!
I just kept hearing that one sentence over and over -- "I wish I would have known…" as thoughts of my old friend Dave popped in and out of my head…
And then, my Moms voice -- "Never be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help, we all could use a hand every now and then…" Even though I had been thinking about writing that original post, it was those two things that actually got me to do it.
So, before I did anything stupid -- I sat down and wrote.., asking for help.
If you missed my original post you can read it hear --
I have been blown-away by the generosity of this amazing community.., but unfortunately I am still in need, so anyone that does feel like helping me out with a loan, donation, upvote or resteem -- it would be more than greatly appreciated! (any loan would be returned within the year with interest.., and many good vibes!)
STEEM /SBD -- @macksby
BITCOIN ADDRESS -- 1Mk8SUiVs8yu93sXmyCE3XukFJyr57C42D
LITECOIN ADDRESS -- LMzmbSkDwA4KbkdmWZTeHN3bZexEF4DrkK
PAYPAL -- email@example.com
Thanks for reading, @macksby -- Mack
Im going to try and post about my present situation, daily -- what goes in the mind of someone facing the very real possibility of being homeless.., or worse, if I can get my thoughts together and composed enough.