If you read my previous post I had one hell of a night. I do believe I dealt with the hiccup in a healthy manner by writing out my thoughts to share with others.

Getting Into A Positive Mindset Upon Waking

I was finally able to fall asleep around 6 this morning and I woke up around 9. I was dog tired but could not fall back asleep. I told myself I had to start my day out positive and stay in a good frame of mind or would be drinking by the end of the day to be able to fall asleep. One of the worst things about not being able to sleep and staying awake is it will throw off your sleep patterns. I have turned nocturnal for weeks and have found a way to solve this is to start drinking early in the morning the day after you could not sleep and pass out by 4pm and you'll be right back on schedule when you get back up the next day(shit, and you don't have to deal with life, right? DOUBLE BONUS). I did not want to have 4 days of sobriety down the drain! The first thing I wanted to do is lift some of the fatigue so I had one cup of black coffee.

I have recently been reading literature on the effects of alcohol consumption vs food intake and its toll on mood in relation to PTSD. I have to be really hungry to eat. I will forget if my wife doesn't ask me. It's not a good feeling when you look at your wife and ask her if you have "eaten in the last 2 or 3 days". As it was already around nine when I awoke and the family already had breakfast; I asked my wife if she would make me some scrambled eggs. She knows I'm not a big eater but told me I had to eat more than scrambled eggs.

scrambled eggs with mushrooms and rasberries

So while she was making my food I came outside and smoked a cigarette before meditating. I spent about 15 minutes in the dark with my eyes closed listening to meditation music containing
binaural beats. Research has shown it helps to decrease depression, help with anxiety, and contribute to an overall quality of life. At this point I am thinking every little bit helps, right? I actually felt in a calm, relaxed mood afterwards. For a few minutes it almost felt like my heart wasn't surrounded by the squishy dull feeling.

The Wifey Has To Go To The Grocery

After breakfast and meditation my wife informed me that she had to go to the grocery because we were out of all kinds of stuff around the house and neither of the children wanted to go. You have to understand the situation I was in. We live in the country and it's 20-25 minutes each to the local Wally World. I just took a deep breath and told her to leave the kids here. She just kind of looked at me stunned because I didn't get mad, I didn't tell her she was taking them; I just said ok.

So mind you at this point I have decided what I want to do with my day(in my mind). I wanted to remove all my Army gear out of the office with the goal of not completely being surrounded by the memories all the time. I also wanted to give it a deep cleaning as it smelled like piss and beer. I couldn't let this sudden change of plans throw a roadblock in my mind frame.

So, I asked my wife when she was leaving and she told me soon. I requested a moment to step outside and regather my thoughts. I came out to the office and responded to a few replies on Steemit and I am thinking the whole time; "Three hours of sleep, 4 days of sobriety, and now I get to spend a few hours with a 5 and 6 year old". Don't get me wrong...I know their my children and I love em. But three hours with a 5 year old girl and a 6 year old boy can be daunting and many times I have to take breaks because I just feel like I am going to explode(How does my wife do it everyday?). Yes, I have gotten verbally loud with them at times when I was angry. Something I am not proud of....so I had to put together a plan to make this a stress free experience as possible. We were going to play like it was Christmas Day! The kids had to make me a deal though...We had to clean up the mess we were about to make. Oh and what a mess we made!

Lego's, remote-control cars, and Barbies.

So, the kids and I played for hours and they surprisingly did not give me any trouble when it was time to clean up. While we were building ramps and Barbie seats out of Legos; I kept thinking to myself that when it was time to clean is when it would go south. I have to stop expecting everything to have a negative outcome.

Cleaning The Office

Ever since I realized just how low things have gotten after my trip to the VA Hospital and looking around my office...all I wanted to do is give it a really deep cleaning. As mentioned before, I also wanted to remove all of the military equipment surrounding me. I do understand avoidance is a symptom of my struggle, but I think it is very unhealthy for me to be surrounded by gear that I wore/used in combat. The gear is a constant reminder of many negative experiences. I will delve into that deeper someday, but I need to leave that as a thought in my head for now. So I moved it all to a nice, dry closet in the house.

I'll write about 33 one day
First thing I did is move everything in the office out onto the porch. I then vacuumed and moved my desk to a different location. I need to rearrange it for an insulation project(you think I like that wall color?Those wacky curtains are for insulation!) I must do if I am going to keep writing about my struggle with PTSD and what I am doing to conquer this monkey I have had hanging on my back for 12 years.

I know I need insulation in the office, as last year was my first year I had used it during the winter. My wife needed my house office for a schoolroom when she began homeschooling the kids. I spent all my time in the office when it was inside so I built one outside. It got a little cold without insulation last winter and I need to be a little more comfortable this year. Additionally, a project to keep me busy and not so focused on my thoughts is another positive aspect of it all.

Just about there

I'll Take It!

So, there's the day. The positives are I stayed Sober and really feel I will accomplish the rest of this day that way. I managed to maintain a reasonable flow to the day without losing motivation. I overcame hurdles when they encountered my plans for the day. I managed not to get angry with the children when I was with them and actually had a lot of fun. I am now sitting in a nice, clean, semi cold office that doesn't smell like piss and beer. I am actually sitting here typing and enjoying something.
The realistic side of me understands that I did not leave the house and have to engage many others factors that can trigger me. However, I managed to stay engaged all day while tired and sober. I'll take that for a start.

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All pictures by @lexikon082