The Struggle is Real; Veterans and PTSD

It's been months since I posted. If you have ever read any of my previous posts, I commented how it seems when I string together good days it's only a matter of time before a string of bad days is coming. Shit, I had a bad few months. I conformed to my old habits of isolation and drinking everyday to deal with all the emotions inside me. It really sucks when I do this. It's a double edged sword. Sure, I feel halfway normal when I'm drinking but then I have all the guilt and anger that comes with substance abuse. I get angry at myself because I know in the end I am only hurting myself by drinking. I feel guilty...because who wants to be known as the "crazy vet alcoholic"?

I just don't know where to turn. Sure, I have used Veteran's Affairs. I even went to "Cognitive Processing Therapy" for a few months. I had to stop that when the counselor(who has no war experience, not even a vet) began speaking about how her "trigger"(things that remind you of war or put you in a flight or fight mode) is being in the parking lot of stores, because she is afraid of being robbed. I am sitting there thinking to myself; "Are you fucking kidding me? I can barely drive, I have panic attacks when I am in confined places...."blah blah blah... my same sad story that i wish every day was not my reality.

That parking lot comment is the straw that broke the camel's back when dealing with the VA. There are just so many reasons why I avoid the VA. To list a few... I don't like being in confined spaces. When I agreed to counseling I asked the VA if I could wait in the parking lot and receive a phone call when my counselor was ready for me(now this is a small clinic, you can see the reception desk from the parking lot). I was told no. I informed the VA i had a tough time driving and would it be possible to do remote video conferencing.counseling. I was told no. Additionally, the VA hands out anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, and anti-psychotics like candy. I am not a big fan of these pharmaceuticals as the stories of suicide and mental breakdowns due to these drugs are common in the Veteran community. Let's just say the psychiatrist(not the counselor) does not agree with my stance on this subject. He initially would not recommend me to see a counselor unless I met with him consistently 3 months in a row. Isn't refusing someone medical service illegal? Not to mention the dude is a snobby, first class dick and shows no empathy whatsoever.

Ok. So....A few days ago I had a major PTSD episode. My wife wanted me to go to the nearest VA hospital(not clinic) which is over an hour away. I was hesitant to do this, because the last time I went to the VA hospital in this state I was handcuffed and put on psych floor for three days and not allowed to leave. It was like literally being in jail. So...I initially agreed to go. About 20 minutes into the drive I began to really freak out. I was begging my wife to please take me home. She wouldn't turn around.

So there we are in the pouring rain at one or two in the morning and I begging my wife;"Please Please turn around! I know they are going to try to lock me up again". So, needless to say we arrive. I am not very happy about being there. I tell myself to suck it up and go in. They knew we were coming because my wife had already called. We walk in the front door and the place is dark. Like I see no one. I tell my wife"fuck this place, no one is here...I'm going home". I walk out to the car and wait beside my door because it's locked. About 5 minutes later a security guard/officer(it was pretty dark) walks up to the car and says my name. At this time I am freaking out. I tell the guy that I have no desire to interact with him and I start walking home.

After about 15 minutes of walking my wife pulls up beside me and pleads with me to get in the car. She begins to inform me that we just had to walk a little farther and there was a receptionists in an alcove waiting for me. I ask her to please take me home. Instead she turns around to the VA and gives me a good grilling in the parking lot and pleads with me to go in. I don't like seeing my wife like this. Her and my two children are the lone bright spots in my life. So I go in.

I check in with the receptionist and am sent to a holding area. I don't like confined spaces. It's semi dark. I'm in a place I don't frequent often and here I am waiting. I am sure it was only 5-10 minutes but it seemed like an eternity. Finally, the vitals nurse comes and gets us. We go to an even smaller room than the waiting room. She asks me "Why are you here". Mind you I am in a foul, bitter mood. I tell her; "Didn't the receptionists tell you? What kind of operation are you running here". She then begins to speak about medicine and seeing the psychiatrists. I inform her I refuse to take any medicine and I receive the typical response; "Don't you want to feel better"? I tell her again that i refuse to take meds.

So a little time passes and she takes me to another room. I am waiting for a psychiatrist and it seems to be taking forever. I mean it's 3 o clock in the morning now and I am thinking to myself "WTF is taking so long?". So by this time I am really stressing. I want to step outside and smoke a cigarette. I ask where the nearest door is so I can step outside. I just get a look. So i tell myself "Fuck it, I'll go find the door on my own".

The door is locked. I look at the person sitting in the command center(?) of the Emergency Room and ask if he could let me out. He says; "No". At this time my heart begins to pound like it's going to beat out of my chest, my whole body began sweating, and I swear the room was closing on in me. I am having a full blown panic attack. I am having vivid memories of my last trip here about 8 years ago. So I ask, "Am I being detained"? The guy says "Yes". This is when I am thinking to myself...."Why did she not turn around when I asked? Why did you come in here?". At this time I began asking the guy(possibly yelling)..."Why am I being detained? I have not threatened anyone. I have not threatened to hurt myself".

It's within 45 seconds of asking this question the door opens and two police officers walk in. I am thinking "oh fuck...here it goes". I wasn't going down without a fight this time is what I keep telling myself. But for some odd reason instead of spazzing out right there I tell the officers exactly what I told the hombre in the command center; 'Why am I being detained. I have not threatened to hurt anyone or myself". One of the officers looks at me and says something like; "give us a minute to ask some questions". They go to the nurse and she tells them the situation. I hear one of the officers say "You gotta let em leave"....I hear the door buzz...and I ran like a bat out of hell from that facility.

Needless to say my wife was not very happy with me. I did tell her I knew this would happen and It's why I didn't want to go. So we got home about 7 in the morning and I slept that whole day and part of the next. So, now I'm on my third day of being clean. I know I need to do more about this illness.

The last day or so I have been formulating a plan of alternative treatments that I may need to look into to help me with this. I see sufferers of PTSD getting relief through many alternative methods besides pharmaceuticals. I would like to go the natural remedy route in trying to solve this puzzle. I have read many articles regarding Iowaska, medical marijuana, and even acid being used for PTSD patients. I will be honest. The acid treatment is not something I am heavily leaning towards.

The other methods do involve a few hoops to jump through. Both involve a significant amount of travel. With travel comes cost. The Iowaska route would involve a more initial significant capital requirement and would be less in frequency. The medical marijuana route would require a lesser initial capital requirement(in country travel, paying to see a private doctor) but over the long term would cost significantly more because I would have to relocate eventually to a state that allows this alternative treatment.

I know these ideas may seem drastic. But after 12 years of living with this I need to try something different. I don't want to live this life of insanity anymore. I have been trying the same methods to cope and the results are always the same. Drastic change is what I may need.

What alternative methods do you know of for PTSD treatment?