I can't believe that I am sitting at here at 2:30 in the morning after being up since 7:30am. The whole point of getting up early is to try to put myself on a regulated schedule of getting up at the same time and trying to go to bed around the same time. I know tonight will throw me off for tomorrow.

Getting Ready For Bed

My experience is one of the benefits of drinking so much until you pass out is you don't have the nightmares related to PTSD. Sure, you wake up feeling like shit the next day but at least you get some sleep without the vivid nightmares. I went and laid down about 10:30 p.m. I did my usual paranoid routine of checking the doors, windows, and looking outside to make sure everything was secure. Tonight was super windy outside and everything is blowing around; even the metal roof on our house is making tons of noises. The noises keep startling me and I keep telling myself that it's just the wind.

I laid in my bed looking down the hallway as usual waiting to drift off to sleep. Seems like it was taking forever. Finally, I dozed off.

The Nightmares

It couldn't have been long before I begin having one of my consistent nightmares about Iraq. It was one of my first missions and I was part of a group selected to go on on a gun truck training mission with the unit we were replacing. We were going to a place called LSA Anaconda. If you know anything about Iraq this base was like the Walt Disney World of bases with one huge problem...mortars.

It was on what I do believe was my very first actual mission in Iraq(besides the convoy from Kuwait to get to our base) and we were going to get to use the Morale, Welfare, and Recreation amenities at Anaconda during this mission. Before using those amenities there was a glorious Porta Potty that had my name on it. So, there I am sweating my balls off in the shitter and next thing you know a mortar lands so close that I could feel the intensity of the blast while sitting there. It's truly one of the scariest moments of my life. I don't remember wiping or pulling up my pants. I just remember running as fast as my little legs could go to the nearest shelter.

However, in my dream I am not so lucky. It's the weirdest thing....instead of making it out I am hit with shrapnel. I can actually feel burning in my sleep like hot metal is piercing through my flesh. In many cases(such as tonight) I will wake up not being able to breathe. Finally, when I do catch my breath I spend about 5 minutes puking my guts up. God, my wife must love me. I can't tell you how many times she has woken up in the middle of the night and helped me clean vomit off of the sheets or clean the trail of puke as I failed to make it to our bathroom. It it truly an embarrassing experience for a grown person to experience. Hey, on the bright side...at least we didn't have to change the bed sheets tonight.

Another nightmare I often have is of shooting my .50 cal at a group of farmers. It's the weirdest thing though... I don't believe I actually utilized my weapon on that specific mission. It's the mission I was recommended for my Bronze Star, but I remember when the mortars and gunfire were happening I seen people running in a field. As I recall I pointed my weapon towards the field, but I only spotted women and children running away so I didn't engage. However, in my nightmare I do. I've always wanted to ask fellow soldiers what truly happened on that mission, because I truly believe I may have blacked out large chunks of it. I always ask myself...What meritorious service or action did I do during this mission to be recommended for a Bronze Star? I've always wanted to ask someone I served with, but I don't want to have someone else relive those memories, you know? Do I really even want to know?

Seeking Alternative Treaments

So, while sitting here in my office I began to look up homeopathic and herbal remedies for helping sleep and PTSD. According to NaturalNews the herb Stramonium can be effective for nightmares. However, according to Tim Shannon ND this homeopathic remedy is more for people who are "divided" in their emotions. I don't feel that represents me personality type at all. Another homeopathic remedy mentioned in the NaturalNews article is Staphysagria. This remedy appealed me to because it is used to treat nightmares for those "unable to deal with grief or anger, suppressing it until they erupt in outbursts of rage". The second one sounds almost completely like me. The last therapy that truly stood out to me is accupuncture. The University of Maryland even reported on a Vietnam Vet who had "reduced insomnia, nightmares, and panic attacks over a acupuncture treatment period of 12 weeks".

I do understand I am not a medical professional of any sort and should not be prescribing myself treatments. Essentially, reading about these treatments has given me motivation to seek out a holistic doctor near me and see what can be offered for PTSD symptoms. It will be cheaper than seeking out other alternative treatments I have previously discussed(i.e. Medical Marijuana and Iyawoska). If it doesn't work it will be another mark checked off the alternative treatment list and I can continue to seek out other alternative methods to help with my PTSD.

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All pictures by @lexikon082