Trying to get past the exchanging formalities connection
This is something I think almost everyone will recognize when they run into people they have not seen in a very long time. The difficulties on how you get past the phase of only exchanging your life formalities to getting back on how you original friendship/workrelationship/relationship was.
Let me give you an example
Ej Karin long time no see, how have you been??
Yeah all good here, and you
Yeah good, work is fine, kids are good. We cant complain. But you are back from the Caribbean I see?
Indeed! Im moving to Switzerland, so just in Holland for a couple of weeks now
Wow, thats a big step! Sound good though! Im sure you will have a blast there
Yeah, Im looking forward to it as well. But everything is good by you??
We are super busy, so I guess thats good right?
I guess it is. Good seeing you bro! We should catch up more often
We sure should! Let me know when you are back in town!
Typical
I think I had this conversation this weekend about 78 times. And this was often with people I used to spend multiple hours per week with. We could all talk for hours and hours, and now we are into the formality-phrases
I guess catching up is almost never possible in large social settings. What we really need then is a small group setting with 2-6 people for a couple of hours to get past those social talks and get to the real nitty gritty of life.
To talk about why a relationship ended, or how mom got sick and that effected you, or why the job is actually not really so fun anymore, or the details on the why the kinds are not adapting.
Real talk
One of things that I always find interesting is that people answer on the question if they are busy, is that they are good.
This is I think a Dutch thing maybe. Good means you have stuff going on, so you are important or so? I dont know?
I see busy more as a temporary phase and I myself do not want to stay in that phase for too long, I react bad on too busy. As in: it blocks me. Others have that different I guess. Maybe people are not good with having too much free time, because they dont know what they have to do in those days?
I really dont know, Im just guessing?
Fact remains, I saw a lot of people I know in the last couple of days. But was it catching up? No, not at all. I was more showing that we are all still alive.
For the two remaining weeks here in Holland, Im going to stick to small group meetups. That is way more valuable!
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rrt
The funny thing is, I know this Holland/Netherlands thing damn well and being a Brabander I also normally value this. But for some reason while talking about it in English I always switch to the Holland version because I guess more people know it like that???
Indeed, brothers are so much more important than all these acquaintances. In these last couple of weeks, I did a lot of meetups with my tribe (family/close friends. which is the most important). But this social event from the last couple days felt so super empty, more than I ever had expected. Skipping that next time!
rr
...blijkbaar is het nog steeds gangbaar om "Holland" ipv "Nederland" te zeggen/schrijven.
:-)
Bron
t
Ach ja...er zijn nog steeds mensen die in gulden of franken rekenen, die bestaan ook niet meer (die munten bedoel ik dan), maar dat wil niet zeggen dat ze "verkeerd" tellen...
En zo kunnen we natuurlijk nog uren muggenziften...
De puntjes op de i gezet heb je natuurlijk gelijk.
Bron tekening
Er staat natuurlijk geen verbod op om "Holland" te gebruiken.
Persoonlijk hekel ik meer de sms-taal en/of het twitter-jargon, waar een niet-ingewijde geen bal van snapt. Of erger nog: kranten met schrijffouten...
Laatste woord; Hetgeen je trachtte te corrigeren klopt helemaal.
j
I’ve also bumped into a few people of late whom I used to socialise with quite regularly in my high school years - early twenty’s I found my self in the predicament of saying “yeah we should catch up again soon” full well knowing that it probably wasn’t gonna happen. As much as these people were are prominent part of my life I kinda feel I’ve moved on now and I’m ok with that, those years are gone and they’ll always be treasured. ... any ways... good post! 🤘
exactly...those days seem gone and we should not feel to bad about all that in the end. it is just how it goes!
Misschien moet je een visitekaartje maken met jou steemit-adres erop, zo kan iedereen jou leef-reis-verhuis-verhaal lezen en volgen.
Bovendien promoot je daarmee dit mooie platform.
;-)
(hahaha)
hahahaha, daar zeg je nog eens iets!
dat zou wat zijn! (maar iedereen heeft het al te druk hiervoor :P)
I have been living in a small town community for a couple of years now and I get this a lot! I'm not a big one for large groups either, so it does take me a while to really connect and get to know someone. Really interesting article, thanks xx
Yeah, Im also more a small group person. Been noticing that more and more. More background filling ;)
Totally. I think when you get to a "certain age" ahem.. you don't feel the need to impress people and collect hundreds of friends.
Let us say..... that number of age can fluctuate, but I am totally in there :D
Mensen zijn niet meer geintresseerd in elkaar en de meeste die zeggen JA GOED HEB HET SUPERDRUK BLA BLA BLA zijn meestal niet druk en meestal minder gelukkig dan ze zouden willen zijn. Fact je hebt ze weer ff gezien en echte vrienden vragen geintresseerd door.....
Inderdaad, gelukkig zijn er ook genoeg 1 op 1 toffe gesprekken met echt hele lieve mensen geweest. Maar echt dit grote evenement was wel een beetje een deceptie moet ik toegeven, best bijzonder!
Ja dat snap ik
While you are away in another country for an extended period of time, some of those people that you were close too, drift away. You no longer have the same values or experience. You have changed from the experience, they haven't. Large group gatherings when you have limited time are so shallow. It is much better to have small intimate groups to interact with. They add value to your life.
Exactly, this meetup proved that again. But apart from that I have changed in the experience, they have also changed. We all got older and wiser and more different. It is not something to feel bad for, it is just reality.
I don't like small talk at all. I bring my full self to the table always. :) I'm also known to break social constructs often. :)
hahahahha, that is a totally different approach! Im a very talkative person but for sure not in big groups.
Small talk is really worth nothing, it is only ackowledging that the other person was also there
I know, I liked how you said you only acknowledged that each other were alive. 😆
I hear you about the busy thing, too. It's like a badge of importance people wear. I don't like to be busy either; I like to be balanced. A good amount of productivity and socializing and activity balanced with meditation, rest, reflection, down time and alone time.
This post was totally on point for me. Saw a young lady that I went to high school with, and she asked why I was not going to the 20 year reunion. I just said that I could not because I would feel out of place with that groupand conversations would be really awkward.
Thamks for sharing, as always!
I think the lack of small talk is the reason I somehow ended up with so many stoner friends. I’m not a stoner and There’s a lot I don’t love about the stoner lifestyle but I love how with some stoners nothing is overly weird to them and they usually can’t focus on small talk anyway. Just my random experience.
Hahahahhaa, that is a super funny way to look at it.! Yeah with stoners you immediately know what is going on.
Not a stoner as well here, but I understand what you mean. They always go very fast into the meaning of life, sometimes even a bit too fast. Having breakfast and then already somebody will be asking existential questions, thats a little bit too much for me :)