The Number One Way To Get Hurt By Life - Daily Meditation #18

Life is like a jar labelled "delicious free candy". Except when you open it, it's a jar full of bees. And the bees have razorblade wings. The bees are also racist. Crappy similes aside, life can be tremendously disappointing.

After we've felt the sting of life's disappointments, we want to avoid getting hurt again. We say, "Hey! That was not delicious free candy! That was a jar full of racist razorbees! I won't let that happen again!"

Our natural reaction to disappointment and pain is to retreat. We withdraw from the situations that led to the letdown, and vow to never be so foolish again. We swear off public speaking, long-term relationships, and that Octogenarian Pole Dancing class you got through Groupon. Retreat seems prudent after you've seen how life can turn on you (and after you've seen Gertrude do "her thang").

Like you, I would also like to avoid getting hurt by life. I am not a fan of needless heartache. But to avoid many of life's disappointments, you need to know only one thing:

The Number One Way To Get Hurt By Life Is To Try To Avoid Getting Hurt

A life closed off to negative feelings leads to more pain than when we face our problems head on. It's counterintuitive, but it's true.

Consider the scorned lover. For her, relationships have always been tumultuous. The romance ends too soon, partners seem apathetic, and she can't seem to make it work. The scorned lover swears off committed relationships for good. But she actually wants a good relationship. By turning away from the pain and heartache, she now can't put in the work required to figure out what went wrong. She'll never identify the issues that she and her partners had with vulnerability and communication. While she is bound to have a few more men or women break her heart, she could figure this love thing out. By shunning the possibility of disappointment, she is now perpetually lonely, bitter, and hurt. Ultimately, by avoiding getting hurt by life, she hurt herself even more.

The examples of avoiding life's minor pains leading to greater pains are innumerable:

• Health problems in your later years by avoiding the pain of the gym when you're young
• Personal finance nightmares arising from avoiding the pain of budgeting and asking for a raise at work
• Hating your job by avoiding the pain of pursuing the the riskier path that once called to you
• Crippling loneliness arising from social shyness by avoiding the pain of practicing one's social skills
• Persistent mental health issues by avoiding the pain of seeing a counselor

Pain avoidance is a human trait, but it is biased towards the short term. We'd rather avoid the pain now, even though it will lead to greater pain later.

The solution is simple: realize that negative feelings don't always equal negative outcomes. When we feel pain, we need to recognize that it is merely a signal. This signal is urging us to investigate why this disappointment seems so poignant. Insight and wisdom is just beyond the pain you are experiencing.

For example, you opened a strange jar labelled "delicious free candy" and joined an Octogenarian Pole Dancing class. Both of these choices led to pain and witnessing horrors that you'd rather have died not knowing. It seems to me that you are a terrible decision maker. Who the hell does these things!? You might benefit from thinking long and hard about the types of decisions you make. But you needn't avoid opening all jars or Grouponing ever again. Some jars do have candy in them, and you can see Slayer and Shania Twain for 60 bucks! How cool is that?

What I mean to say is:

Pain is inevitable in life. Avoiding pain won't make it go away. It only makes it worse.

Are there painful things in your life that you are avoiding? Is there something painful that you are currently trying to tackle? Or have you made the mistake of avoiding pain before? Chime in with a comment, and we can discuss these ideas together.

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Or read more daily meditations...

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When You're At Your Worst

Attention Is A Gift

The Problem With Gatekeepers

The Bet You Must Never Make

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