Dealing with Depression from Someone who was Gifted with Bipolarism

in #klyeart8 years ago (edited)

Everyone has good and bad days, But for some it's far less predictable than others...

A Brief History on my own Depression

I was diagnosed with manic depression when I was 12 years old. While kids generally that age are out riding bicycles and hanging with their friends I spent a large portion of that time crippled by depression which I looking back on it now had no real reason to feel.

The first time I thought of suicide was around this time.. I remember having a fight with my mother over something trivial and ended up screaming at her that I'd rather be dead than feel these cascading emotions of anger, fear, sadness which had seemingly engulfed my young life.

And with that we were off to the shrink to go and figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
I ended up on Paxil. An antidepressant recently taken off the shelves due to it causing heart problems. While it did end up helping me a small amount in the end it did feel like I was feeling happiness falsely and ultimately I stopped taking it by my own decision after explaining to my parents and doctor that I didn't feel natural while on it. I felt drugged.

One thing that always stood out about myself even from a young age is that I felt I was different from the other kids. I couldn't put my finger on it why I was different. All I knew it that everyone seemed so much happier than I did a lot of the time and it wasn't until after I'd been diagnosed and started looking into what exactly it meant did everything start to become clearer.

It wasn't external sources that were making me feel so lowly about everything, even though that is what at the time I blamed these feelings on. My own brain chemistry likely from birth was responsible for these extreme lows I felt. But for a young child without previous knowledge of mental illness trying to fully comprehend this was difficult.

Nothing in my upbringing caused the pain I sometimes felt (and still do from time to time) and my parents were pretty damn good parents now that I'm older and can look back on it. The depression I felt was caused entirely by my own chemical imbalances.

Realizing what you are up Against

I'm a firm believer that anyone who claims to be normal is the person you have to be careful of. It's very likely that most humans suffer from some shape or form of mental illness and go their entire lives without knowing such.

It's entirely natural for human beings to feel sadness and depression at times. I promise.

When I'm at my lowest sometimes it feels nearly impossible to remember the good feelings and things I've accomplished in my life no matter how recent. When you're in doom and gloom mode it can feel as if the entirety of your being is pointless and that even though you've managed to survive this long it's all been for nothing. It's incredibly difficult at times to shake the feelings that you'd rather be dead and feel nothing at all than have to deal with the pain an anguish that depression often comes with.. What's worse is that it may not be caused by anything at all. Sometimes you might just wake up and want to off yourself, It's just how it is..

The worst part about depression (for me atleast) is suffering in silence... I often do so simply not to burden others with my problems which ahave nothing to do with them. However it's not the right thing to do and often you'll find that if you talk to someone about how you are feeling it not only helps you feel better but also lets you understand that it maybe isn't worth it for you to be feeling as you are... After all, It's just a bit of a chemical imbalance most of the time. (at least in my case)

When you're feeling down, reach out to someone. If they can't help you feel a bit better than reach out to someone else. The world is full of people whom take great satisfaction in helping others through rough times. I'm one of those people. Regardless of how good or low I feel I'll always take time to try and help someone through their time of need.

It's not Always Going to be Doom and Gloom, It's a Cycle

As early as 1200AD an answer to the problem of depression had been found out. I'm sure you've likely heard this adage previous to reading it in this post:

"This too shall pass"

The origin of this saying is from the medieval Levent and serves as a timeless reminder that regardless of the trials and tribulations life brings us, they are only temporary, and we should look forwards to the time when these things no longer affect us as they do now.

As human being our lifespan is laughably short when compared to things such as stars, We're only here for a tiny, nearly undetectable amount of time when you look at it from the perspective of existence of everything. While you don't choose to be depressed one simple way to combat it without effort is to accept the depression and realize it is only temporary.

When you learn to accept the fact you will have times in your life where you're simply going to feel like crap and start embracing that they are merely part of an ebb and flow of happiness within yourself you learn to not harbour and get stuck in the depression. You are not defined by how you feel or act in the grand scheme of things simply by one high or low spell. You've got an entire lifetime to seek a balance between happiness and sadness that you find sustainable.

We often forget in our lows how bloody amazing the fact is that we've even been given life and awareness in the first place. Whether you're a religious person, a big bang believer or simply agnostic or atheist the very fact you're able to read this and have higher thought and awareness is either a miracle or an extremely freaky bit of chemistry.

You are made up of the same material our earth, the stars and the universe is created from. In essence you are merely the universe expressing itself...

"Man is a microcosm, or a little world, because he is an extract from all the stars and planets of the whole firmament, from the earth and the elements; and so he is their quintessence"

-Paracelsus

Next time you're in a low spot, don't dwell on the feelings dragging you down. Don't even try to figure out why you are depressed if you don't want to. Remember that you're the best example of you that we have on this planet and that eventually if you let happiness back in it will manifest itself in your life. It's all part of the way we are. It's a matter of acceptance.

To my Fellow Bipolar Steemsters (and Everyone else)

You highs and lows are what make you you. The dreams and creativity you have while manic don't disapear or change when you are low.. they are just harder to see.

The world would be a far less vibrant place without people like you and I. We are the dreamers, the artists and the visionaries that keep this world moving forward and evolving at a rapid pace. It's hard to maintain such vibrant output all the time and as such you'll have periods in your life where you struggle to stay positive, and that's ok.

Feel your lows, embrace them and look forward to the day you wake up on top of the world again. That day is coming sooner that you realize, Hang in there, we got this. :)


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Pick up a 'AA' cell. Have a look. There's a negative side and a positive side. If one is missing, it won't work. If a connection to one side or the other is faulty, it won't work.

Such is life. Be the battery.

Hahahaha. This made me laugh.. But, you're entirely correct. I must battery better. :P

The simple concept has helped me find and maintain a good balance in life, mentally. Why does the energizer bunny just keep going and going? That rabbit knows something.

The down times are necessary, in my mind. Otherwise, how would I know what the good times are? There must be something to compare. You're Canadian. What good would summer be, without winter? To have power, you must have both the positive and the negative. It's all good. Be the battery. It is humorous though, in it's simplicity. I used to "suffer". There's a chance I might again. Ever since I became the battery, I've just been different. Complete. Energized.

Very good outlook! respect!

Your outlook on the matter is infectious I'll give you that.

Gah, don't remind me of winter! Worst thing about Canada hands down is the fact we're frozen half the damn year..!

You are correct though. I need to realize that I need the down spells as well as the up to make me rounded. Being manic all the time isn't sustainable.

I realize the mind will control itself at times as well. No amount of words or wisdom will ever change that. I can really only speak for myself. I'm experienced, but not on hung framed paper. I heard Bruce Lee speak of something similar, but I cannot find the video.

...and you know what... I think it's about to start snowing. I don't like the sounds of this wind and rain. Lahey said it best. "The shit winds are coming." Have a good day.

I completely and totally feel you @klye - and perhaps why I like you so much! I was assessed with Asperger's as an adult but struggle with manic-depression (I prefer that term over bi-polarism - don't ask me why). I was always awkward and shy in my youth and felt much like an alien. I still do, but I've learned to play nice with people. LOL Maybe that's why I love writing...I get to maim and murder my characters at will and don't have to worry about jail time. XD
I fight the dark place all the time but the one thing I can say with deep honesty, I've had periods in my life where I prayed for death. But I kept breathing and grasping onto anything that gave me hope that tomorrow would be better. Thank you for sharing your personal story. You certainly are NOT alone... but if we're anything alike, sometimes the dark place is comforting. I know I like to wallow there once in a while and be a total bitch, but it helps me appreciate the good all the more. XOXOX

<3 You're a gem merej99. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

Us akward folk must band together! We are after all the ones whom make the world interesting... if everyone was "normal" could you imagine how boring life would be?

I never would have pegged you on the spectrum had you not mentioned it! Not that it matters anyways. Some of the most intelligent and interesting people I've met in my life have been diagnosed with Aspergers. :)

Thank you for reaching out and mentioning that I'm not alone.. I'm not sure if it's apparent in this post but I am going through a rough patch at the moment and your reply helped more than you probably will ever know. <3

Oh yeah, I've rejected "normal" a long time ago and I definitely encourage everyone to embrace their inner kook.

Ironically, the more I accepted my oddities, the more people just accepted me for being...me?! Good or bad, what a crazy concept! After a lifetime of watching people, I've learned how to pretend being human. Most people think I'm "cured".

And since I've so graciously given you permission to wallow (just a tiny bit) in the dark place - don't stay there too long. I've got bungee cords, rope, duct tape, and a floatie that I can toss your way.

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Thank you sir.

@dailybitcoinnews is right, there's nothing wrong with you. This crazy world can make a person go mad. It's the system we have on educating one another is whats wrong. You just don't have the right information.

I think I was likely already "crazy" to begin with...

But then again.. Who isn't?!

first of all thanks for being so open about your experiences with us all. I just have long term depression which started at around the same age I always assumed that the depressive phases of bipolar where the same as "ordinary" depression (of course it vary's from person to person).
What surprises me reading this is how different the happy times are, for me, the happy times are there, I can recognise when I am happy but it's like there is a thick sheet of densely scratched perspex in front of it to stop me seeing or feeling it properly.
I hope you find your balance soon.

Hope is that others see me talking openly about this sort of thing and feel they can as well without ridicule.

Balance isn't something I even strive to achieve because I don't believe naturally I'm capable of such. One huge advantage I have over others with bipolar is I'm rapid cycling.. I can go from king klye to dirt and back all within the course of an hour (sometimes less time). It does get tiring to "bounce of the walls" so to speak but I'd rather that then get stuck one way or the other for too too long.

I think depression in part stems from intelligence as well.. Although how I'm not exactly sure how to put into words yet.

There's nothing "wrong" with you - you've been misguided by a sick society who is far more sick than you realize. You FEEL, and most people these days don't feel shit... "They" have a pathological illness that's spread to most people - so you've escaped!

The fact you go through what you do means you're part of something that's genuine that just needs to be self-harnessed and trained.

Get into meditation. Seriously. Fuck all the drugs, and the worthless "psychology" and become your best genius potential. It's just waiting to be tapped into.

Sift through my blogs on being an Empath. It's a gift that just needs to be strengthened.

This.

Thank you for sharing your outlook on this and shedding new light on it for me. I do feel empathy and sometimes it's hard to deal with. Gift and a curse I guess.

I struggle with my emotions.. And come from a western culture where men are supposed to be strong and emotionless. It simply doesn't work for me.

Ups and downs are what I deal with all the time.. I am getting better at rounding it all out but at the end of the day sometimes I just feel like crap..

With that being said the thing that keeps me going a lot of the time is the fact that people really do seem to enjoy what i have to say and the things I work on. Hopefully as I grow as a human I'm able to have more productive and good times than low and crap times..

Here is too a happier future for everyone!

Actually, I have a theory that men are more emotional - it's a drive to be a warrior - sick society is trying to stop men from being self sufficient warriors. Pull a certain trigger in a man and he'll be crying while killing. It's something that has hardly ever been studied - openly.

For me, nature is where I go to try and calm down. The animals - the trees... the oceans - flowers, and even good happy folk in harmony brings me back to center.

Good luck, man.

BTW, I go through it all too. What I try to do when I'm down is find what pulls me back up. Anchors...

Thanks dude.

I'm not built like a warrior by any means.. Nor do I really like hurting people.

Brought up in a society telling me to man up and stop feeling my emotions only served to make me feel alienated and that I was some sort of pansy. I'm glad that as time has passed it's becoming more common place for males to be allowed to show their emotions on all ends of the spectrum rather than being ridiculed and called soft for expressing how they feel.

It started raining after I submitted this, Normally I'm not a huge fan of the rain but it's oddly soothing to me tonight. Nature shedding tears I simply don't have the energy to shed myself I guess.

Fantastic post, buddy! Remember that you will always have friends here. :D

Thanks sir. It's been a rough few days but I'm slowly getting back onto the up and up.

Thank you for offering your friendship man. <3

No problem, bud. Glad to see that you are headed up.
Sometimes it seems that all we do in life is constantly struggle to get back up - so much so that we tend forget that "getting back up" is the most important part of life.

It was a rough few days.. The depression fog is starting to clear up though and I've got to thank you and everyone else who offered their support in my time of need.

<3

I'm glad. Any time, pal!

Hey @klye - thanks for sharing. I always like learning more about my Steemit friends. I actually went through a lot of similar things when I was young. I was never officially diagnosed as bipolar, but I have a lot of the symptoms / tendencies. I too took medication for a while, but chose to stop because I didn't like the 'fake' feeling.

I eventually looked into a lot of spiritual practices, including Buddhism and meditation. I've gotten to where it doesn't really affect me as much.

One thing that I found really interesting was the spiritual side of things. It can be a bit of a stretch for a lot of people, but there is a school of thought that actually believes there can be negative entities that can effect you emotionally though various forms of attacks. Maybe it was known from a very young age that you were going to be a top 19 witness, and the evil forces of the world have been trying to take you out so that wouldn't happen :)

Hahahaha. Oh man tim you always manage to make me smile man. Thanks for that.

I was never much of a spiritual type.. I did meditate a fair amount when I as younger but haven't in a long time.. Maybe it's time to start.

Those negative entities exist. Not to sound like a nut-job (anymore than I already do) but I've seen them. I don't want to end up a vulcan with no feelings but it would be nice to be able to stop myself from going to one extreme or the other.. I guess something for me to work on.

<3

I read all your post @klye even though I'm not commenting most. I must say this post was very touching and with a very positive vibe!

Thank you for reading my stuff man. :)

It's not as technical of writings as your stuff though. :)

What you write is good and you code so that's way more technical than what I do. :)

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