I'm trying the 100% Steem Power Option... so let's see how this goes.

When I was a kid, we only had 4 television channels (or 5 if you were willing to attach a few wire coat hangers to your television). Cable or satellite TV didn't really become wide spread until I was around 13. As a result, I watched some really weird programs when I was 5 years old. Love American Style? Green Acres? Courtship of Eddie's Father? Really? I could list those all day, but this is not a post about television.

This one is about what we were willing to do in order to entertain ourselves because we couldn't just flip on the Cartoon Network any time we wanted. We had to kill approximately 16 hours per day... so my sister and I played with some pretty weird toys. These aren't the best toys. They're not the worst. They're not even the most dangerous. These are just the ones I still can't believe I played with.

I realize that for some of you, these toys have a special place in your heart. I think at the time, I loved them too. But now when I look back, I shake my head and say "I played with that? Geeze I must have been really bored".

The Lite Brite

This toy had the coolest commercials. They made it seem like you could make the most amazing pictures ... and they would light up! In reality, it consisted of a box full of about 1000 colored pegs and a black board to stick them in. So... you sat there and meticulously placed peg after peg in the board. Then you hit the switch and it lit up. Then what happened? Nothing. Nothing happened. You looked at it and your mom yelled at you to clean up because you just spent twelve hours making a picture of a boat, and now it was time for bed. And if you messed up and started placing them incorrectly, you ended up with... a series of random lines and shapes.

The Barbie Game: Queen of the Prom

I must admit that this one is probably extremely unique to me, and no other male on the planet can relate even a little bit. But when I was a kid, my sister was three years older, one foot taller, seventy pounds heavier, and infinitely meaner. We fought all the time. I don't mean argue. I mean we invented MMA in the 1970s... and I always lost. So, when I was 7, if my sister wanted to play the Barbie Game, we played the Barbie Game. If the story ended there, it would be ridiculously embarrassing... but it's worse. Far worse. Not only did my sister force me to play, she cheated. She always rigged the game so she would get to go to prom wearing the best dress and with Ken as her date. She made sure I got stuck with Poindexter.

So that was the bad part. The worse part is that I would actually cry when I got stuck with Poindexter. I'm probably the only straight guy in the world who ever yelled, "But I don't want to go to the Prom with Poindexter! Why can't I ever go with Ken?" But we were bored. So we played.

Tudor Electronic Football

No. You did not miss anything. This is really all it was. Except 10,000 times louder.

I don't mean a video game (although some really cool ones with single dots did come out when I was around 10). I mean the one that required you to spend about 17 minutes setting up one stinking play. Your opponent would do the same. Then you would flip a switch initiating the loudest and most annoying buzzing sound ever. The thin metal field would vibrate causing your players to "run". Sometimes they ran the direction you wanted. Sometimes they just spun in circles. But no matter what, nothing really happened. The game came with a quarterback that was supposed to be able to throw a 1 centimeter football... but it literally NEVER worked. And I played this game for hours. Most of the time I would play against myself (probably because my friends were smart enough to spend their time throwing tomatoes at the ice cream truck).

Pulsar

Ok I loved this toy. I actually had to get more than one because I cracked open his chest to see how it worked. I don't even know what the hell this thing was supposed to be. I think he was some kind of spy or super hero. He had a clear chest. When you pushed on his back, it caused his lungs and heart to expand and blood would be pumped around the tubes. How was this a super power? I have no freaking idea. Apparently his super power was that he had a circulatory system... like every human. You could also access his brain and insert discs. Why? No one knows. This toy really reminds me of Batman Vs Superman: Dawn of Justice. It looked cool... but made absolutely no sense at all.

Stretch Armstrong

Along the same lines as Pulsar, we have this guy. What. The. Hell. A description of this toy is going to fall way short. To truly experience the weirdness of this one, you need to feel it. The incredibly pliable fake skin was utterly disgusting to the touch. It just felt so wrong. And man could it stretch. I had a couple of twenty something year old uncles. I remember them stretching Armstrong through doorways and around tables from one end of the house to the other. One of the great mysteries of the 1970s was "What is inside of stretch Armstrong?" Thanks to my 12 inch Darth Vader's light saber, I found out. It was a really gross sticky red goo. Yeah I may switch this one from "weird" to "gross". This one might reappear if I do a dangerous toy list as well.

Colorforms

You have a cardboard background (perhaps a street or a farm). Then you have thin plastic characters and objects that would temporarily stick to the background. You would place the characters and the objects on the background. Then you would... do nothing. You would set them up in a different way. See I told you we were bored.

I'll get part two out ASAP.