My Struggles with Social Anxiety & Trying to Figure Out What HELPS.
I usually write a lot of happy go lucky stuff, or stick mostly to fiction. Today is a day for sharing some of the other side of my reality. I work through my emotional/mental stuff through writing… and here is part of that process from an experience that I had (and wrote through) yesterday.
“What is wrong with me?” This has been a thought going through my head far too often lately when I try to get involved in group activities.
I guess I’ve never been a very social person. I’m good at getting up on stage in front of ten, 20 or even 500 people with no qualms whatsoever. I can even do so with no preparation whatsoever and I’m fine. It not only doesn’t stress me out or make me anxious,
It actually leaves me feeling totally energized and pumped up.
However, you put me in a room with people and expect me to interact in any way shape or form, or apparently even just listen to other people talking and I become a mess. Like a crazy, stressed out, filled with raging anxiety, stomach in knots MESS.
I’m not even talking about being in a room with strangers. That might be easier. I can ignore people like the plague and blend into the background until I’m nearly invisible. I did it all through high school.
The funny thing (or maybe it’s just odd and sad and not funny at all) is that I thought of myself as the sociable person who was always longing for friends… and my husband was the anti-social one who just wanted to be alone or with just the two of us.
I just find most interactions with people to be incredibly draining or anxiety producing for some reason. One on one, I’m fine. I like to ‘chat’ online or talk with a friend one on one. As soon as other people come into the mix, though, I start feeling like I just want to leave. I can’t sit still and participate in even a small group chat or online conversation without feeling like I just need to GO.
Even with people I like, hell, people I LOVE… after spending a solid chunk of time together, I am emotionally completely and utterly drained and exhausted.
I know that part of this is just who I am, that I am heavily empathic and tend to just absorb all of the energy/emotions of those around me. I’m willing to do this for my kids. For a few close friends and one on one, it doesn’t bother me half as much, but I still try to keep my interactions limited.
I think this is why discord just isn’t sitting well with me. I just can’t keep up. I thought I just needed to learn how to use it, how to chat and get the feel of a particular room (channel???) or something.
Nope. That’s not it. I have joined a couple and I participate by clicking through links and commenting on blog posts, but chats? No. I have tried several time to join into group chats and it just doesn’t… work. I just can’t seem to jump in, I don’t speak in short little one liners and I can’t keep up with the multitude of various topics that fly by. I’m rarely ever interested in small talk or the types of ‘fun’ kind of back and forth banter that most people seem to find relaxing and entertaining, bonding, what have you. It all just makes me feel tense.
Today I tried to join in a voice chat with a small group of people that I would consider friends discussing a project that is very much on my heart. A project that I am passionate about and that I want to help support. It started out well enough, but literally within minutes I was starting to feel anxious. Like I just needed to get up and pace. Walk. Leave the chat room. Go somewhere else. I forced myself to stay engaged and listen.
I didn’t have a lot to add to the conversation, as I’m mostly there to learn more at this stage of the game, but I listened. Nothing was said that was stressful. There was nothing crazy, not a lot of people talking at once or anything that I would expect to be stressful. There was no arguing or even anyone with an annoying voice. Nothing that should be bothersome.
I. HAD. TO. LEAVE.
I quickly said I needed to go and literally jumped up off of the computer. I went to the bathroom (to get away from all humans, including the ones in my house, who weren’t even talking to me at that moment!) and then paced around the house, got some food hoping that would calm me, paced some more and then sat down thinking that I’d read for a bit.
Nope, my stomach was in chaos. Turmoil was rolling around in my stomach like I’d just swallowed straight espresso by the gallon. I felt like everything inside of me was ramping up by ten thousand, while on the outside, I was doing nothing. NOTHING. Just sitting and staring, clicking from tab to tab, hoping for something to distract me, but nothing was even registering with my brain.
I finally picked up my bullet journal, some colored pencils and just started doodling. This has been my "go to" lately for relaxing and unplugging from all online things.
Still the anxiety was dogging me. I wasn’t even enjoying what is normally a relaxing hobby.
My first reaction? I wanted to drop out of the group. Never do a freewrite again, just to avoid having to “face” any of the people in that group again… even though none of them probably even had a clue what I was doing or feeling or thinking, because I didn’t share any of it with anyone. I knew that wasn't the answer and absolutely NOT what I wanted to do! I LOVE this group and this project. I want to help with the things they are doing!
That’s where the biggest challenge comes in.
Talking to people stresses me out, so talking to someone about the fact that talking to people stresses me out? Not terribly conducive to feeling less stressed.
So anyway, that’s where I’ve found myself thus far on this new ‘social’ journey. I’m working on finding ways to rejuvenate myself emotionally, ways to kind of guard myself a little so I’m not just wide open absorbing everything around me in every single encounter… and maybe I can learn how to socialize again without it completely and utterly draining me for hours on end.
As it was, it literally took me about 5-6 hours of hardcore self care before I was feeling back to myself again. I don’t understand the why of it, but it’s definitely a fact of being me.
Even though I’m old and I feel like I should have figured this out about myself long ago… I was busy. Busy raising kids. Busy dealing with other pretty significant emotional trauma from my past. Busy just living and dealing with bipolar/depression and insomnia… so basically, anything like this just got piled in the stack of “I’m depressed/overly tired/stressed from my issues” and I never even thought to try and figure it out.
Plus, I just generally avoided social situations. It’s pretty easy to ignore the fact that social situations cause you all kinds of anxiety if you rarely ever deal with group social activities or situations... So now I'm trying to be more attentive to myself, my reactions and finding out what helps me in situations like these. I don't know that I'm getting it all right, yet, but I'm aware of it and for me that is the first step.
If you struggle with any of these things, I'd love to hear what helps you feel better in the moment or even afterwards when you realize that you're feeling completely overwhelmed or exhausted from social interaction.
Now back to regularly scheduled creative writing and more humorous fun stuff... because honestly, THAT makes me feel better, too!
I feel you... I wrestled with a couple of things when I was in my 20's and early 30's; not just social anxiety as an issue, but also the more debilitating "avoidant" personality disorder which pretty much resulted in my becoming a self-loathing shut-in with a completely twisted sense of self.
Although I have had to present to groups and give workshops, I really can't stand doing it. I am evidently quite "good" at it, but I have never been comfortable with it.
As very much an introvert, I am quite comfortable with people in one-on-one settings-- that has rarely, if ever, been an issue. But the moment there are more people, I start feeling like I have to "split myself" order to keep up with what is going on, and after a while everything becomes "noise soup" and all I want to do is head for the nearest exit.
Needless to say, I was USELESS at the "club scene" when I was in college!
I hear you! I'm not really sure where I'm at now, but I'm trying to find a balance. I can totally see myself becoming a shut in. There are weeks and weeks that go by that I only see my kids and my husband. I hate leaving the house... but never really thought about the 'why' behind it.
I enjoy one on one time with friends, but as you said, much else than that is just 'noise soup' and I find it exhausting.
Thanks for the support!
@byn
I feel you.
Especially that part when you said you are completely okay with being on stage...
I enjoy speaking publicly, very much so, actually... 10,50,100 people, I don't mind...
It's the one on ones with new people I don't know that get me. What do I ask them? How do I sit? Where do I look? Their nose? Their left or right eye? Hell, I never know! haha :D
And yeah, much like you, I also get frustrated in crowded places - even if I did know everyone - or knew no one. And will, usually, find the darkest corner of the room and just... stay there, observing. :3
And what helps me feel better about this?
Don't know. haha :D I always try and give it my all to relax and just be in the moment... and though I mostly fail miserably, I like to think each time was a little better than the time before, and that I am, in fact, improving. :3
Might not be true, but hell, it makes me sleep better at night. haha :D
It's kind of ironic though, because I absolutely LOVE long talks with people. Especially while walking...
I think I am a social creature after all, but find it hard to find appropriate people to just.. unwind?
It's important to me to not feel like I need to speak, which I do with many people because silences are awkward. When the silences become not awkward, though, my blabbering hardly ever stops. :3
Oh my goodness, YES! I LOVE to talk one on one or maybe even with two people. I can sit and share back and forth and talk for HOURS. I don't know what it is about groups that cause me so much stress.
I suppose it's good that we're not alone in this. Maybe we can learn ways to help ourselves AND each other!
I feel like I'm just now realizing this about myself, because I had just avoided being in the situation for so long (or made other excuses or maybe didn't even LIKE the people in the groups I was in!) I have always found that (ironically enough) talking about it or writing about it usually gives me insight into myself that I don't see otherwise.
Thank you so much for sharing your own experience with this. It's good to know that someone understands. I was a little nervous about putting this out here!
Same.. Often times I also go out for a walk myself (I love taking walks - alone or in company... It's like a form of meditation to me) and wander off into the woods or the field where I'm alone... then just talk to myself. haha :D I find it easier to actually talk to myself than to just think... And so I try and cover as many different aspects of the problem as possible... Only problem is, I too often times forget much of what I talked to myself about... So in that sense, writing stuff down is much better haha :D
:| Now you made me feel bad about not socializing for so long... I need to get out and into a crowd, meet someone new. :|
I'm not ready for this!
Oh man, I didn't mean to make you feel bad! I've avoided being in crowds/meeting new people for SO long now! If not for steemit, I think I would have just stayed in my cozy little bubble. I suppose it is good for us to stretch our boundaries sometimes. Take care of YOU in the process!
Thank you, btw, for this conversation. I feel so much better.
Well I kind of have to go out and meet someone new :p
This... solitude... is slowly killing me. :p No husband to come home to for me. :P
Likewise, @byn :D Very happy I stumbled upon this post of yours ^^
I can understand that as well. I wish you strength and amazing luck in finding new friends that are exactly what you need! :)
Thank you very much! :D
And likewise! All the best in your social endeavors :P
I too struggle with anxiety most days I have such a constant level of it but lately I've found that having an oil diffuser, meditating & having a little notebook where I write down the things that kicked up my anxiety has helped me so much! But its different for everyone what works for me might not work for you but I thought I'd let you know on the off chance they help you but also to let you know you aren't alone in the anxiety struggle!
Thank you. It does help to feel a little less alone. My bullet journal is definitely helping me with the anxiety because it forces me to unplug for a while and just relax. I also listen to meditations every night to go to sleep and guided meditation upon waking. I ran out of oils months ago and honestly forgot about them. I need to look into getting some more!
Thanks for the support <3
I really enjoyed reading this, @byn, because so few people put things like this out there. It sounds like the real you. And my heart goes out to you. I don't think you're alone in this at all. In fact, I think everyone has multiple sliding scales:
When you think about the fact that each of us is at a different place on each of those sliders, it provides some insight into the fact that were are really complex beings. For those of us who are off the charts on any of those three things, our anxiety under certain circumstances can shoot through the roof.
Here's my story. I had the same feelings you described last week after standing up and speaking for a few minutes in front of an assembly of people from my company, including being on camera for all of our remote employees around the world. This happened three days ago, and I spent two days feeling sick to my stomach every time I thought about it; I am still recovering. I actually force myself to get up in front of people and speak on occasion, because one of my life goals is to get OVER that horrible feeling of the earth falling away beneath my feet each time I have to do it. But on the sliding scale of comfort level with standing up in front of people, I am off-the-charts NOT. (So I envy you for that!)
I read once that a lot of stand-up comedians are introverts. Isn't that interesting? These are people who have no qualms about standing up and entertaining a crowd, but at the end of the day they need to recharge by being alone.
You used the word "energy" several times in your post. Introverts get their energy from being alone. This does not mean they don't need people or are anti-social. They just need to recharge by being away from people, and feel more comfortable when they are not in big group situations where they are supposed to engage.
Extroverts gain their energy from being with people. This does not mean they are all social butterflies and running around in crowds with jazz hands. They (we) also need alone time. But we tend to get depressed if we don't regularly interact.
I have often called myself an introverted extrovert. I am a social person, and I like time with friends or with small groups of people but I need a lot of alone time. Again, we are not simple creatures. Understanding how we operate and what fuels us can be a lifelong process, but I think it's so important to do it. Then, if and when you do have to be in situations where you feel extremely uncomfortable, you don't ask yourself, "what's wrong with me?" Instead, you take care of yourself, and limit your exposure. You bow out when you realize those bad feelings are your subconscious warning you the saturation point is near.
I guess I would just say that you are the unique person you are. And knowing what fuels you and what makes you feel like a fish out of water (or perhaps in hot boiling water) are key to happiness. You don't have to be like anyone else, or like the one-line-slinging people on Discord, to be a good person.
I think it's amazing that your shared all this, and I have a feeling that anyone reading it will feel like they "get" you.
Thank you so much for this. It took me a bit to be able to respond because I'm really just flooded with gratitude for your understanding and reassurances.
I don't worry about being like other people, at least not at this stage in my life. I do still wonder sometimes "what is wrong with me" as kind of a default. Maybe not so much 'what' but... 'which of my things is affecting this part of my life and how can I help make it... less stressful.'
I have gotten better at recognizing that I need to take care of myself so that I can better take care of those that I love and care about... but I'm not so great at always recongizing HOW I need to take care of myself.
I feel like we are always a work in progress, but your words are helpful and very insightful. I thrive on few, but very close friendships, but at the same time, I do very much tend to absorb other people's stresses as well. So even a wonderful evening with my kids can drain me so that I need a good solid dose of alone time to recuperate.
I have recently had several close friends tell me that I am probably an empath (something that my husband has been telling me for YEARS) and I'm reading more on that as well. It definitely resonates with me, so I suppose I'm also trying to be aware of ways to pay attention to that side of myself as well.
I truly appreciate your comment and all of your insight. Thank you so so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I wish you luck in your future speaking endeavors and hope that it gets easier for you!
Yes, I think we are always works in progress too. I am also an empathic, and it has caused me an insane amount of emotional pain. Those who don’t experience it just don’t know how awful it is. You can be sitting with perfectly nice people, talking about perfectly pleasant things, and meanwhile all this stuff is going on that you have to hide beneath pleasantries—everything from feeling horribly anxious and/or sick to having an internal fight or flight panic fest. I think you described all that really well, and it’s why I relate so much.
It’s like everyone else’s energy takes on a life of its own. You feel it. And if there are four people in the room it feels like eight, one for each physical presence and one for their personality and whatever they are feeling that day.
I do have some really good news. Like all sharp things, it dulls with age. I can honestly say that most circumstances (other than the story I told before) don’t seem to cause the barely contained panic for me anymore. I may have to give up on the public speaking, though. I don’t seem to be able to conquer that one!
❤️❤️❤️
You described it SO well. I feel like I'm just learning about this "Empathic" thing now and it just... well everything I read makes me go, "Oh wow! I thought that was just a weird thing about me! It's really a THING?" and I feel a little more hopeful about learning to deal with it better so I'm not always so drained from interactions!
Good luck on your journey!!