I really enjoyed reading this, @byn, because so few people put things like this out there. It sounds like the real you. And my heart goes out to you. I don't think you're alone in this at all. In fact, I think everyone has multiple sliding scales:

• Comfort level in very small group situations
• Comfort level in larger group situations
• Comfort level standing up in front of a crowd

When you think about the fact that each of us is at a different place on each of those sliders, it provides some insight into the fact that were are really complex beings. For those of us who are off the charts on any of those three things, our anxiety under certain circumstances can shoot through the roof.

Here's my story. I had the same feelings you described last week after standing up and speaking for a few minutes in front of an assembly of people from my company, including being on camera for all of our remote employees around the world. This happened three days ago, and I spent two days feeling sick to my stomach every time I thought about it; I am still recovering. I actually force myself to get up in front of people and speak on occasion, because one of my life goals is to get OVER that horrible feeling of the earth falling away beneath my feet each time I have to do it. But on the sliding scale of comfort level with standing up in front of people, I am off-the-charts NOT. (So I envy you for that!)

I read once that a lot of stand-up comedians are introverts. Isn't that interesting? These are people who have no qualms about standing up and entertaining a crowd, but at the end of the day they need to recharge by being alone.

You used the word "energy" several times in your post. Introverts get their energy from being alone. This does not mean they don't need people or are anti-social. They just need to recharge by being away from people, and feel more comfortable when they are not in big group situations where they are supposed to engage.

Extroverts gain their energy from being with people. This does not mean they are all social butterflies and running around in crowds with jazz hands. They (we) also need alone time. But we tend to get depressed if we don't regularly interact.

I have often called myself an introverted extrovert. I am a social person, and I like time with friends or with small groups of people but I need a lot of alone time. Again, we are not simple creatures. Understanding how we operate and what fuels us can be a lifelong process, but I think it's so important to do it. Then, if and when you do have to be in situations where you feel extremely uncomfortable, you don't ask yourself, "what's wrong with me?" Instead, you take care of yourself, and limit your exposure. You bow out when you realize those bad feelings are your subconscious warning you the saturation point is near.

I guess I would just say that you are the unique person you are. And knowing what fuels you and what makes you feel like a fish out of water (or perhaps in hot boiling water) are key to happiness. You don't have to be like anyone else, or like the one-line-slinging people on Discord, to be a good person.

I think it's amazing that your shared all this, and I have a feeling that anyone reading it will feel like they "get" you.