Finish The Story - Week #46
FUENTE
Esta es mi primera participación en el concurso convocado por @bananafish:
Benjamin empujo la puerta de hierro, su oxidada cerradura emitió un sonido discordante que le produjo un escalofrío. Introdujo la mano derecha en el bolsillo de su pantalón y apretó con fuerza la cruz que llevaba en él, implorando protección a Dios por el encuentro que tendría y perdón por lo que haría.
Sus pasos resonaron secos sobre la grava de entrada, mientras avanzaba hacia la oscuridad impenetrable. Pasó junto a la tumba de sus padres, muchas veces había jugado a recorrer el camposanto con los ojos cerrados, así que la oscuridad no era impedimento para desplazarse, sin embargo vio una luminosidad relativamente cerca y se dirigió hacia allí.
Tal como lo había sospechado: Melinda le esperaba con su horripilante traje negro y no sola sino con su tribu de magos oscuros. Sobre una piedra las velas de color negro también ardían. un parabán protegía las llamas de la brisa para que esta no las apagara.
Un fuerte olor a azufre se sentía en el ambiente, pero Benjamín lo adjudicó a su imaginación.
Se acercó aún más, Belinda, con su fiera mirada le preguntó:
- ¿Traes el oro?
- Por supuesto, haría cualquier cosa con tal que el nombre de mi familia permanezca limpio, lejos de todo el barro que quieres lanzar en él.
- Bien… ¿Sabes lo que es un sacrificio?
- Claro que sí – Su voz tembló un poco-.
- No tengas miedo…es sólo un salto adelantado del que todo tenemos qué dar al otro lado. Ten, toma el líquido de esta copa y nada te causará dolor. Ja, ja, ja, ja.
Entonces Benjamín entendió que Melinda no solo quería su oro, sino que además le arrebataría la vida como ofrenda para cumplir con su amo.
- Entiendo, pero a los condenados a muerte se les permite un último deseo. Déjame fumar una pipa sentado allá, sobre esa roca.
- Está bien.
Benjamín se acercó a la roca. Se sentó en ella. La luna trataba de salir, pugnando contra las grandes nubes que la rodeaban y tapaban. Lejos escuchó el ulular de un buho, como presagiando muerte.
Introdujo lentamente su mano en el bolsillo, sacó la pia y la bolsita en la cual guardaba la picadura de tabaco.
Todos sus movimientos eran vigilados por la mirada incisiva de Melinda, como si temiera que él pudiera huir. Sacó las cerillas, encendió la pipa. No podía evitar el temblor en sus manos.
Pensó de nuevo que era el momento de conocer a la familia. De encontrarse con sus antepasados. Su sacrificio lavaría sus errores, acabaría con ese amor maldito que le había llevado a ser una piltrafa en manos de Melinda, además impediría que su apellido fuera vilipendiado.
Con cautela y un movimiento que pasó desapercibido a Melinda que en ese momento prestaba atención al chisporroteo de una vela, acercó la humeante pipa a la mecha que se extendía tras la roca que le servía de asiento.
Esa mañana temprano se había tomado el trabajo de colocar los cartuchos de dinamita alrededor de ese lugar, espacio que era el más idóneo para esta reunión. Una sola chispa bastó para encender la mecha. Antes de cinco minutos habían volado todos: La tribu adoradora del demonio, juntamente con Melinda, y él.
Durante un mes en los periódicos no se leyó noticia de otra cosa. Luego otras informaciones reemplazaron a estas.
Benjamín logró su cometido: El apellido Leitner siguió siendo símbolo de honestidad, respeto y decoro.
*This is my first participation in the contest called by @bananafish:
Benjamin pushed open the iron door, its rusty lock made a jarring sound that made him shiver. He put his right hand into his trouser pocket and squeezed the cross on it, imploring God for protection and forgiveness for what he would do.
His footsteps echoed dry on the entrance gravel, as he moved toward the impenetrable darkness. He passed by the grave of his parents, many times when be child he had played to cross the cemetery with his eyes closed, so the darkness was not an impediment to move, however he saw a relatively close luminosity and went there.
As he had suspected: Melinda was waiting for him in her gruesome black suit and not alone but with her tribe of dark wizards. On a stone the black candles also burned. a parabán protected the flames of the breeze so that it did not extinguish them.
A strong smell of sulfur felt in the air, but Benjamin attributed it to his imagination.
He came closer, Belinda, with his fierce look asked:
You bring the gold?
Of course, I would do anything as long as my family's name remains clean, away from all the mud you want to throw into it.
Well ... Do you know what a sacrifice is?
Of course. - His voice trembled a little.
Do not be afraid ... it's just a leap forward that we all have to give to the other side. Have, take the liquid from this cup and nothing will cause you pain, ha, ha, ha.
Then Benjamin understood that Melinda not only wanted his gold, but also that she would snatch his life as an offering to fulfill her master.
- I understand, but those condemned to death are allowed one last wish. Let me smoke a pipe sitting there, on that rock.
- It's okay.
Benjamin approached the rock. He sat on it. The moon tried to leave, struggling against the great clouds that surrounded and covered. Far away he heard the hooting of an owl, as presaging death.
He slowly put his hand in his pocket, took out the pipe and the little bag in which he kept the tobacco sting.
All his movements were guarded by Melinda's incisive gaze, as if he feared he might flee. He took out the matches, lit the pipe.He could not avoid the tremor in his hands.
He thought again that it was time to meet the family. To meet with his ancestors. His sacrifice would wash away his mistakes, end the cursed love that had led him to be a wreck in the hands of Melinda, also prevent his surname was vilified.
With caution and a movement that went unnoticed to Melinda who at that moment paid attention to the crackling of a candle, brought the smoky pipe to the wick that stretched behind the rock that served as seat.
That early morning he had taken the trouble to place the dynamite cartridges around that place, the space that was most suitable for this meeting. A single spark was enough to light the wick. Within five minutes they had all flown: The demon worshiper, along with Melinda, and him.
During a month in the newspapers, news of something else was not read. Then other information replaced these.
Benjamin achieved his mission: The surname Leitner remained a symbol of honesty, respect and decorum.
Sabes, realmente puedo dar un comentario dedicado a esto y tratar esto como el resto de las entradas de @bananafish FTS como antes. Sin embargo, quiero relajarme en eso un poco, ya que me concentro en algo que rara vez veo. Prefacio que no celebraría esto en absoluto, sin embargo, (y esto que compartimos con todos los demás) siento que hay una rareza de entradas "no inglesas" en cualquier concurso de ole en general (salvo algunas pocas que Lo sé apagado). Y, entonces, quiero darle a urah que esta es mi primera vez (en bastante tiempo, esto puede haber sido una cosa en el pasado también en otros idiomas) que veo una entrada "no en inglés", punto.
(You know, I can actually give a dedicated comment to this and treat this like the rest of the @bananafish FTS entries like it before. Yet I want to relax on that for a tiny bit as I focus in on something I rarely see. I do preface that I wouldn't at all be celebrating this, yet I (and this I we share with everyone else) feel that there's a rarity of "non-English" entries in any ole contest in general (barring a few ones that I do know off). And so I want to give urah to that this is my first time (in quite a good while, this may have been a thing in the past with other languages as well) that I see a "non-English" entry, period.)
Pero le doy un aplauso más profundo, no por ver eso - fácilmente podría forzarme a ingresar a Internet según sea necesario. Aunque ciertamente ese es un problema real: no hay incentivos para promover entradas no inglesas combinadas con entradas en inglés. Por una serie de razones económicas, ambos podemos enumerar por qué esto no es algo popular en áreas predominantemente monolingües (que están pobladas de manera hipócrita por personas con tendencias multilingües): el inglés es el idioma base contingente de Internet, la ansiedad de ver otro idioma (¡qué bueno! ¡No debería estar siempre cómodo leyendo algo, debería desafiarlo a pensar y reaccionar a él, no a leer ciegamente!), que los jueces del concurso se preocupen por que las personas lean entradas que no estén en inglés etcétera y así sucesivamente que afectan a una gran cantidad de cosas que aún se están descubriendo a pesar de que vemos Internet con nuestros propios ojos. Por lo tanto, me alegro de que la comunidad @bananafish pueda ser tan segura para los escritores que desean escribir en otros idiomas, siempre que lo hagan en inglés también. Da la oportunidad de practicar no solo la lengua materna, el español, sino también la posibilidad de perfeccionar la sintaxis-y-gramática inglesa. Y les da a los lectores la oportunidad de ver un trabajo en ambos idiomas y considerarlo como una buena forma de aprender un idioma si es que estudian español.
(But I give a deeper applause not truly for seeing that, I easily could force myself to go into the internet as needed. Though that certainly is an actual problem: that there's no incentives to promote non-English entries paired up with English entries. For a slew of economical reasons we can both list off why this isn't a popular thing in predominantly mono-lingual areas (that are hyprocritically populated by people of multi-lingual tendencies): from English being the contingent base language of the Internet, the anxiety of seeing another language (which good! You shouldn't be always snug reading something, it should challenge you to think and react to it, not be blindly read!), that contest judges worry over people reading entries not in English and so on and so on that affect a whole slew of things that are still being found out despite us seeing the Internet with our own two eyes. Thus I am glad the @bananafish community can be this safehaven for writers that wish to write in other languages, as long as they write it in English as well. It gives a chance to not only practice the mother tongue, Spanish, but also a chance to hone in on the English-syntax-n-grammar as well. And it gives readers a chance to see a work in both languages and consider it a nice way to learn a language if they so happen to study Spanish.)
Otra de la mano, adviso a escuchar a @dirge y la otra gente de la communidad de la @bananafish (pescado plátano!~). Saludo rojo!~
Hola @theironfelix, me agradó mucho lo de Da la oportunidad de practicar no solo la lengua materna, el español, sino también la posibilidad de perfeccionar la sintaxis-y-gramática inglesa. Escribo desde Venezuela y necesito practicar lo que se de inglès y aumentar mi aprendizaje en este sentido...para mì fue un reto. Gracias por visitar mi blog.
Hello, @theironfelix, I liked very much your phrase the opportunity to practice not only the mother tongue, the Spanish, but also the possibility of perfecting the English syntax-and-grammar. I write from Venezuela and I need to practice what I know in English and increase my learning in this sense ... for me it was a challenge. Thank you for visiting my blog.
Me gusto mucho tu final y como Benjamin acabo con todo incluso con el mismo, dejando intachable su apellido.
El titulo de la historia es precisamente "Leitner", así que debería ser ese uno de los pilares fundamentales en la historia. Claro, podríamos darle toda esa importancia a Benjamin Leitner, pero ya en la primera parte nos hablan de antepasados y de la importancia de este apellido. Incluso la primera linea de la historia describe el peso que el mismo tiene. Por eso me parece bastante coherente que Benjamin se sacrifique por mantener su apellido limpio.
La forma en que describes la situación y creas la atmósfera es muy buena, buen trabajo.
I really liked your ending and how Benjamin ended up with everything, even with him, leaving his surname blameless.
The title of the story is precisely "Leitner", so that should be one of the fundamental pillars in the story. Of course, we could give all that importance to Benjamin Leitner, but already in the first part we are told about ancestors and the importance of this surname. Even the first line of history describes its weight. That's why I think it's quite consistent that Benjamin sacrifices himself to keep his surname clean.
The way you describe the situation and create the atmosphere is very nice, good work.
Hola, @darthgexe, gracias por visitar mi blog. Me alegra le haya gustado mi trabajo. Aunque me gusta mucho la narrativa, este género de misterio no lo he trabajado mucho, fue para mí un aprendizaje el participar. Me gustó mucho hacerlo. Es un excelente concurso.
Hello, @darthgexe, thanks for visiting my blog. I'm glad you liked my job. Although I like narrative a lot, this kind of mystery I have not worked hard for, it was for me learning to participate. I really liked doing it. It is an excellent contest.
This post has been manually selected, curated and upvoted by CI mod staff team. Supporting all posts that are in high quality and don’t get enough recognition.
This post was submitted for curation by: @theironfelix
This post was voted: 100%
Thanks, @co-in, for your support.
Welcome for the support, I shall read yer story soon enough! ~^^~
That's a wonderful line. Throughout the story you create this atmosphere of gloom. We can feel the death around us. Very well done.
agreed. I liked the atmosphere of this story
Thanks @agmoore, for your visit in my blog. I 'm so happy you liked my story.
there's a lot of great lines here. I think next time you should consider using dialog tags, " " when characters are speaking. Like this:
It makes it easier for the reader.
I liked the ending. It caught me by surprise! He placed dynamite to blow them all up! This version of Leitner has him be an honest witch-hunter. RIP
Thanks, @dirge for your words, next time I'll do it so. Thanks again. And abour Leitner...yes, RIP.
This is such a good ending, his anxiety and hesistance comes across, and on the first read, he seems afraid, uncertain, but then when it all comes together at the end, it was not fear for himself. He had his plan in place,it comes across as a more tender caring, in not wanting it to come to that. The way you bring in his memories of visiting the place as a child give the character a sense of depth and consideration, and adds to the power of her having chose this place to meet.
There is so much great language here, the way you describe the lock, tying it into asking for forgiveness, and the foreshadowing of the owl, but this line really got me
gives a sense of his feelings, reflected in the moon. This just perfectly captures how people project, and see themselves in the world around them., Benjamin, equally trapped, surrounded, knowing he cannot leave, looks to the moon and sees it fleeing where he knows he cannot. His sense of honour comes through so well.
The moment he asked for a smoke before he died, I knew something had to be coming, but I had no idea what, and you kept me waiting right up until the fuse was lit, a great ending, and then how it pulls on Melinda asking him if he knows about sacrifice, unaware he was there, steeling himself to make the great sacrifice of all.
~ Calluna
Thank you, @bananafish, very much for having carefully read my participation. I really liked this contest, it stimulates creativity.