Confusing Earth - Chapter 29: Coal

in #fiction3 years ago (edited)

Links to earlier chapters below this chapter!
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Chapter 29: Coal


Jack got home with his adult movie. He got in the house to see Max, Bella, Liam and Maree watching the TV. He now knew it was called a TV instead of a docu-hologram player as Mike had called it a TV. He looked at his family and announced “I have got something that will explain what sex is to us.”


“Hooray, good job Jack” cheered Maree, “Now we can keep confusing the organisation. I can’t wait to see it.”
“You can’t see it” said Jack. Maree’s face fell.
“W… why?” she stammered.
“I got this from a friend called Mike and he said it is an adult movie. That means you and Liam and Max cannot watch it.”
“What!? I’m a teenager. That’s practically an adult”
“No it’s not Max” replied Jack calmly, “I have observed the teenage being and it appears to still be more child than adult.”
“Well in our planet I’m older than you Jack” argued Max.
“Yes, so am I” added Maree. Liam pointed at himself.
“Yes but we are not on Banbazoia and on this planet, you are too young for such things so go in the kitchen you three and amuse yourselves in there” ordered Jack.
“Fine” said Maree, stomping her feet. She turned around and stormed out as loudly as she could. Max picked up Liam and they left clearly disappointed they could not watch it either.
Jack turned to Bella and said, “This should be good.” He put the movie in the player on the TV and they snuggled close to each other to watch it.


Maree sulked in the kitchen with her arms crossed. Liam did not look very impressed either. Max being the oldest in human terms, thought he should do something to make his younger companions happy. He walked over to the fridge and looked at all the food.
“Okay guys, we can’t watch that docu-hologram Jack was calling a movie with them, but we can learn our own things. Who wants to work out how to cook with me?”
Liam pointed at himself. Maree continued to frown. Max looked at her. He grabbed a piece of celery out of the fridge and he put it near Maree’s face. He made it move in front of her face.
“Hello Maree” he made it say, moving near her, “I’m Mister Celery. Max only knows who I am because he has seen me on the primitive holo-screen. I’m green and I’m mean and I like to sing.”


“Stop it” spat Maree, “I’m not a child. We should be in there”. Liam tried to grab the celery from Max. Max gave it to him and Liam proceeded to make it jump up and down. He giggled. Max then grabbed a carrot from the fridge and got a knife and cut it up. “I’m glad the cooking docu-holograms taught me how to cut things” said Max as he did it. He then got small sticks of carrot and stuck some up his top gums to make teeth and held the others near his eyes as eyebrows.
“Hey, look Maree” he said, “I have a carrot face.” Maree just grunted annoyed at him. Liam burst out laughing. Max turned his head to directly face Liam and Liam laughed at it before pulling a piece of carrot from Max’s fake eyebrow and trying to eat it.

‘She’s still sulking’ thought Max, ‘I’m going to have to bring out the big ray guns.’ He looked through the fridge and found some eggs. He placed them on the bench outside of the container.
“Oh no” shouted Max, “He’s going to jump.” Max threw one of the eggs on the ground. It of course, cracked.

egg on floor.jpg

“Well that wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be” he said.
Maree still sulked. Max tried again and she didn’t respond. Then he did another one and it hit her by accident going all over her clothes. She looked down at it and said “Eww”.
‘Oh no’ thought Max, ‘I’ve made her more upset now’.
Then Maree surprised him by laughing.
“You’re dead” she said. She grabbed an egg and threw it at Max. It splattered all over him. Max put Liam down on the floor to the side as Maree grabbed another egg and threw it at Max. As it spread all over his clothes on impact, Max retaliated by grabbing another one and hurling it at her. Liam laughed this whole time. Maree grabbed an egg, came running up and jumped on Max, knocking him onto his back. She laid on top of him and smooshed an egg all over his face.
“Got you Max” she said standing up and pointing at him. Max spat out some eggshell, sat up and said “You sure did Maree.” Maree laughed.


“Let’s do some cooking now hey Max?” said Maree, still giggling, “I just got you so bad.”
“You did and yes cooking sounds good” said Max, coughing up some raw egg.
“Here is a book with some instructions on how to construct things that are cooked” stated Maree holding up a book, open at a page that said “Easy Mix Butter Cake”.
Max came and looked at the book.
“Why don’t we make this Easy Mix Butter Cake?” he asked.
“I wonder what that is” said Maree.
“It has a heap of food up the top. I guess they are the bits of food that go in it” said Max, “Can you read them out to me as I get the stuff out Maree?”
“Sure” said Maree, “First you need two eggs.” Max looked up on the bench to see that only two eggs had survived their egg fight.
“Okay got that, what next?”
“125 G butter” said Maree saying the letter G as she did not know what grams were.
“I don’t know what that is” said Max. He looked around in the fridge and pulled out something that had that word "butter" written on it.
“Okay butter” said Max. He looked at the stuff written on it. “Okay it says the whole thing is 500 G so we want one quarter of that. Next.”
“1 cup of sugar”
Max looked around in the fridge but couldn’t find that in the fridge. He soon found some in the cupboard.
“2 cups SR Flour”
Max looked and looked. He could not find SR flour anywhere. He found plain flour and self raising flour but no SR flour. Then he remembered.
“I saw someone use it on the primitive holo-screen while cooking. It was white stuff.” He looked around and pulled out a container with nothing written on it that was full of white stuff.
“Here we go” he said, “Next”.
“Two thirds of a cup of milk” said Maree. Max got it out the fridge.
“Got it”
“Only one thing left: one teaspoon vanilla.” Max looked around and soon found vanilla cola.
“Close enough” he said and put it up on the bench, “Now let’s make it”.


They read the instruction combine lightly beaten eggs, softened butter, sugar, sifted flour, milk and vanilla in a bowl. Max passed Maree the eggs and told her to beat them. She proceeded to smack them with her hand. “They are getting a good beating” she said. Max cut the butter into quarters as they decided before, then put the whole quarter in including the wrapping. Max then got a cup made for drinking coffee and measured out one coffee cup of sugar, two coffee cups of the white stuff he decided was SR flour (he didn’t sift it as he didn’t know what sifted flour is) and 2/3 of a coffee cup of milk. “Time for the punching part of the beating” said Maree and she punched the eggs, upon which point they smashed on the bench and her hands.

beaten egg.jpg

“I think they can go in now” said Max. Maree scooped them up with her hands and put them in. Max then got a spoon and added the vanilla cola to the cake. They stirred the cake, then smacked and punched it together to do the next step: beat on low speed until blended, then beat on high speed for three minutes.



They then had to spoon the mix into a greased tin. Max went into the laundry next to the kitchen and came across a tube which said, “High performance synthetic grease with Teflon.” He squeezed some out the tube and rubbed it along the tin they had found. They were confused by the final instruction: Bake in moderate oven for 30 – 35 minutes. They looked at Nathan’s oven. “Is this a moderate oven?” asked Maree.
“I don’t know” said Max, “Maybe we had better cook it for longer in case his is only a beginner oven.” They put the cake in the oven, Max worked out the controls on it and they put it in to cook for 50 minutes. Once they finished, they sat down on the floor with Max, very proud of themselves for managing to cook.


Nathan came in the door to get a major shock. He walked into the lounge room to see Bella and Jack watching gay porn. He gasped. Bella and Jack looked up. “Oh hey Nathan” said Jack, “Was wondering when you would get back. We have been watching this to work out how to reproduce. Looks like I need you for it.”
“No” said Nathan, “Not me. This isn’t how your reproduce.”
“It’s not?”


Nathan rushed away from the conversation though as he smelled a foul smell coming out of the kitchen. He went in there to see the oven running, giving off a terrible smell and stuff all over the bench, egg fragments all over the place and Max, Maree and Liam sitting in the mess. He rushed over and turned the oven off. He turned to them.
“What is going on in here?” he asked.
“We cooked” said Max.
“Yeah it’s yummy” said Maree licking cake mix off her arm. Liam licked the spoon they used to stir the cake in between beating it with their hands.
“What about the mess?”
“What about it?”


Nathan took a deep breath. He looked at the recipe then at everything around him.
“You greased it with car oil?” he said, “The cake will be poisonous. And you have used salt in the place of either sugar or flour. Oh crap, this is a huge mess. You guys are going to help me clean this up now.”
“Oh” said Maree, “Do we have to?”
Maree crossed her arms and sulked again.
“Well we know someone’s going to get coal this Christmas” muttered Nathan.
“We get a present sometime? Cool!” said Maree, “What’s coal?”




Chapter 28: Smoke:

Chapter 27: Blink:

Chapter 26: Fight:

Chapter 25: Scram:

Chapter 24: Deep:

Chapter 23: Missing:

Chapter 22: Human:

Chapter 21: Fish:

Chapter 20: Broken:

Chapter 19: Flame:

Chapter 18: Second:

Chapter 17: Glasses:

Chapter 16: Spider:

Chapter 15: Sister:

Chapter 14: Sprinkle:

Chapter 13: Jam:

Chapter 12: Rite:

Chapter 11: Lovely:

Chapter 10: Currant:

Chapter 9: Reliable:

Chapter 8: Caressing:

Chapter 7: Shades:

Chapter 6: Wonder:

Chapter 5: Stepping:

Chapter 4: Stench:

Chapter 3: Value:

Chapter 2: Launch:

Chapter 1: Splash :


Birchmark Website / Portfolio:












Please consider commenting, upvoting or resteeming this post if you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading!


Hi @birchmark, I love to read your story. It was so neat and easy to read. A story mainly in a conversation form were easy to read and it still between the story line. When I read how they bake cake, they made me laugh. They were so cute and funny. I love how you put in the image to compliment the story as well. Normally, alien transform in human form always dangerous and scary. But you have changed the impression, these family was so cute and harmless. What a mess or disaster by just baked a cake. I will start read your other story listed in the post.
Glad that I found your story.

Well, on one side it sounds like a lot of fun to have 'people' from Banbazoia at home but on the other hand it requires a lot of patience. I would compare it to having kids, lol.

You made me laugh with that gay porn :D I thought it's going to develop in a funny way but I didn't think about this one.

Your writing is easy to read and funny. You describe the process like you really didn't know how to make a cake. When you can do something, you don't really think about the issues you would face if you didn't know what is flour :) You were able to think like somebody who had no idea. Well done!

Thank you for sharing!

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. The aliens in shows like 3rd rock from the sun were pretty clueless about certain things too, but I just took it a bit further to the point that they wouldn't understand much at all unless they had been taught by someone because to me that made sense really. We'd be confused on another planet if the way they sustained themselves was completely different to food (Banbazoidians inject nutrition into themselves). Human stuff is completely alien to my characters (though they have learned a bit since chapter 1) and if their planet actually existed and wasn't fictional and we went to their planet, we'd be quite lost too. It does take a bit of thought sometimes to work out "wait, would they even know that?" but I don't find it too hard to get in that mindset.
Thanks for reading.

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Hi birchmark,

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I actually scrolled down and see those wonderful photos.
They are all beautiful and so lovely but some as well were weird obviously like the cucumber lol
But all are normal in some ways.
And yes indeed the earth is sometimes confusing.

Thank you. Yeah the cucumber fits what's happening in the story pretty well though.

Oh yeah, the cucumber!
Good for smoothies as well!

Its getting hotter in here now!
Where do you live now?

Hey @birchmark, that is rally a story for laugh, everything sounds unbelievable but that can really well imagine how even adults will have fun from eggs fight, it is almost like water bomb that we love to play outside in summer, but instead of water it is more thick and sticky. of course the kitchen is not really good place for it. Also I can imagine while cooking one can mix sugar and salt until they taste it. I am not a fan for tasting such cake and of course if instead of normal oil they use motor oil then that is really a lethal cake.

Oh of course it would not be a very nice cake, but they are aliens and are pretty new to food in general so yeah they are going to screw up a bit.

And yeah motor oil is definitely the final straw that makes the cake inedible, which they didn't know with their limited knowledge of Earth.
When I made their messed up recipe to get pictures I didn't go that far - I stopped at the mix - but making it did mean I needed to clean my kitchen afterwards too after smashing eggs on the floor and island bench for the sake of pictures too - it did make me give it a good mop though and it was probably about due for it- so I guess that's a win?

Thanks for you comment. I'm glad you found it funny.

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