DAD-Chronicals : Farewells and losses - how children handle it

bembelmaniac (65)in #dad-chronicals • 6 years ago

Farewells and losses - how children handle it

Farewells, losses, deaths - they are part of life. We all know that, but it often hits us unprepared and mostly to the core. Our children are the same. They live in the present and a loss captures their complete thinking and feeling, at least for the moment.

To see the comprehension in the eyes of a child and to experience his pain is hard for parents. Children feel goodbye and loss in their full size and very intense. If this pain is not respected and processed, it sets itself as an empirical value and can negatively impact the psychic life of a person.

Even small losses hurt

And that does not even mean the death of a loved one. Children are deeply sad when their favorite stuffed animal has disappeared or the cat has not come home for days. A school friend moves or a change of school is on. All these are goodbyes and changes that a child has to deal with. Pain is part of it and it's sad too. From these seemingly minor losses, a child can learn to deal with farewells and losses - if the parents help him.

It is especially important to feel and respect the sadness of the child. Phrases like, "It's all not so bad" or "Now do not be so please" help here little. They only lead to a child withdrawing into oneself and losing trust in the parents. It feels guilty and unaccounted for, thinking that its feelings are inappropriate. Sadness is so important to be able to cope with losses and process.

Goodbye again and again

Children with a parent who is a weekend commuter know the feeling of farewell just as well as children with big siblings, who come to visit occasionally. As great as the joy is to see the beloved family member again, so great is the sadness when it comes to saying goodbye. So that the farewell is not so difficult, the adults should behave as undramatic as possible. It is unnecessary to tell the child how sad you are. This does not help him, but only intensifies his own sadness and can even generate feelings of guilt: Especially small children think fast, they are responsible for the pain of the adult.

But also make sure that feelings may be shown at parting. Of course, crying is allowed, hugs and all other forms of affirmations of course as well. If a child can feel the sadness of others, it helps him to classify his own feelings correctly. After the time of mourning - which is usually quite short with young children - the experience is processed, the child has let go of the farewell and the loss that goes with it, and looks ahead again.

Separation and divorce - farewell to the familiar

If the parents divorce, a child has to struggle with a lot of feelings. There is, on the one hand, the pain of one's own, then the grief of the parents and, finally, the question of whether it could somehow be responsible for what is happening. The familiar and secure world collapses, the further life is an unknown quantity and unforeseeable.

Be sure to talk with your child and explain as child-friendly as possible why the separation has taken place and how it will continue. For all their sadness, children need as much clarity as possible and the certainty that the pain will be seen and respected by their parents. The openness in such a situation also encourages a child to trust his feeling that his flair was right. It is also helpful to keep as many rituals and habits as possible after the breakup. As a result, the child senses that many things are changing, but that there is also a lot of continuity.

Dying and death means goodbye forever

Children live in the present and have little sense of future and past. It is difficult for them to understand that a loved one dies and will never come back. The natural feeling is grief, which can manifest itself not only in tears and incomprehension, but also in anger, anxiety, guilt, physical pain and mental symptoms. The pain is so great that the ability to act is lost. That goes as adults as well as our child.

The reaction of a child to death depends to a great extent on his age and stage of development. If a younger child may still imagine grandmother sitting on a cloud in the sky, and consoling herself with it, death can be a deeply dark and disturbing experience for a teenager in puberty. As with all losses and farewells, keep in mind, respect and respect the sadness your child feels and do not hide your own pain.

What helps children with losses

For all forms of loss, you can help your child:

Talk about what's happening and honestly answer any questions the child may have.
Provide the child with a sense of closeness and security through physical closeness and caring and attentive behavior.
Show your child your own sadness.
Let it participate in farewell rituals (such as a funeral or farewell to the train) if it wants to.
Later, allow feelings of anger, longing or pain - not only with your child, but also with yourself.

To deal with losses and farewells is difficult. We have to let go of the familiar and turn to life again. Children can often do that better than we adults. So we should learn from each other: your child from you and you from your child.