"S-B-D" >>> Poem Recitation Contest: 25 SBD (Minimum) ... ComedyOpenMic #40steemCreated with Sketch.

in contest •  5 months ago

This is a Contest ... and a very serious one at that.

A bit of history. I recently published a post, 10 Random Things About Me ... French Foreign Legion, Fatherhood & Flatulence (give it a read, it's funny). In it, I mentioned that I have no sense of smell. I also included the next bit in an attempt to be humorous:

Alas, I am undoubtedly the only poet in history who has never been moved to muse by the fragrance of a rose. Of course, I'm probably the only poet in history who has never experienced the fragrance of a fart ... although, I have noticed, that these are only rarely the subject of poetic renderings.
This strikes me as being an artistic oversight, especially considering the sheer banality of much of modern-day poetry. The Fartphobia of the olfactory-privileged. And so, I've decided (right here and now) to make Flatulence the writing prompt for an upcoming Poetry Challenge.
I WILL NEED Sponsors.


I wasn't being serious.

I have a good friend in Australia, @girlbeforemirror, who I've been mentoring in poetry. Her name is Marg, she's a spectacularly talented writer and poet ... and she's bloody cheeky. Marg immediately called my bluff and sent 10 SBD in Prize Money ... and then announced publicly that she'd done so.

Damn.

Male egos being what they are, I couldn't let the woman have the last laugh, and so, I decided to counter-call her bluff ... and actually do it: Create a Contest about Farts and Farting. And hence ... this Contest.

Poets are a haughty and snotty lot. Some of us (not me) may pretend to be nice, but the truth is we look down upon all you commoners who can neither read nor write in anything other than the most simplistic of prose. And, part of the whole haughty snotty thing is never explaining the poem. If you can't figure it out on your own, then you don't deserve to know.

This attitude may well explain the whole 'starving poet' phenomenon.

In this particular instance, though, I'm going to make an exception to the rule. At the end of this post, I will explain the poem. But no cheating: Read the post from beginning to end and in the order I've laid out ... it's important.

The Contest ... What To Do

Recite the poem, "S-B-D," on video.

Post your video on your own blog BUT ALSO in the comments section of this Contest Post (not links, the video itself). You DO NOT have to be sober while reciting. Indeed, I encourage you to get liquored up. This is a poem about farts and farting ... so let's not pretend it's Shakespeare.

The video can be of you reciting the poem, or, you can employ other visuals with a voice layover. You can use background music if you like, or not. I have no preference, just be creative ... and have a good time.

Prize

The Prize will be, MINIMALLY, 25 SBD, provided by @girlbeforemirror and myself.

What I'd really like is to bump it up to 100 SBD but this will require additional Sponsors.

If you are interested in becoming such an additional Sponsor, bless your heart. Send me a DM and a wallet transfer. I will edit this Contest Post and prominently include you as a Sponsor, and, you will be listed as a Sponsor on a second Contest Winner's Post at the end of the Contest. I reserve the right to decline certain users from Sponsorship at my discretion.

The Rules

  1. Participants will ReSteem this Contest Post and agree to ReSteem the Contest Winner's Post and the end of the Contest.
  2. Participants will upvote this Contest Post, and agree to upvote the subsequent Contest Winner's Post, at 100% Upvoting Power.
  3. Entries will be accepted until Post Payout on this Contest Post.
  4. Participants agree that their videos, winning or not, may be included in the Winner's Contest Post, and/or any other post, at QuillFire's discretion.


OK, that's it. Here's the poem, first as an image and then in text:



S-B-D

Think not that it strange, some words we derange,
Torture what once did impart,
Too words, they disgraced; as if they unchaste,
Such word, I’d argue … is ‘Fart.’

It’s strange but it’s true, we launched it a coup
Mutiny, rebellion, revolt,
The king we deposed, new words we composed,
As ‘Fart,’ we sought to demote.

We began to Pass Gas, out through it our ass,
Began, to Cut it the Cheese,
Began to Break Wind, as other’s chagrined,
For blowing ... a Backdoor Breeze.

We’ve replacements galore, like the Ol’ Rump Roar,
Butt Yodeling, for those in the know,
Bend from the knees, for a good Butt Sneeze,
The gift’s in the giving, bestow.

You Toot Your Own Horn, though never forewarn,
You blast your Buttock Bassoon,
Your O-Ring Oboe, it has a good go,
Artisté, you carry a tune.

But what of old friends, on those we depend,
Old friends … no better than Fart,
Seductress, a vamp; you’re off with your tramp,
While breaking … your old friend’s heart.

In place of a mystery, with Fart you’ve a history,
With Fart, you know what you get,
It’s easy to spell … and easy to smell,
And works, when even it’s wet.

Remember, recall; when once you were small,
The fun you had with your Farts,
You called them by name as played you your game,
Before … you learned of upstarts.

But now you are old, and soul you have sold,
Now, you’ve much you desired,
Behave as you ought, forgot how you fought,
By what … you once were inspired.

From whence came the flame that brought you acclaim,
From whence, did come it the spark,
Where found you your brawn, to fight carry on,
Imprint, that left it it’s mark?

Not all do agree, what means S-B-D,
Acronym … what was it, the source?
@ned, he’s a coder … cheese pizzas, an odor,
… Silent But Deadly, of course.

So do what you will … but I have a Quill,
And stand, I will for my friend,
I’ll draw it my sword, and fight it the horde,
Though lone, I stand at the end.

Interpretation

Go back and re-read the poem ... but this time, replace 'Fart' with 'Steemit.' All those other names for farting are metaphors for other crypto-based social media platforms: Minds.com; WEKU; Narrative, etc.

No one has been more critical of STEEM/Steemit Whales and Witnesses than I have. I have written numerous articles and God-only-knows how many comments and replies on the subject: The systemic cheating, game-rigging and self-dealing that they, out of self-interest, refuse to correct. I will include a list of articles at the end of this post.

But it's not just them, is it?

Cryptocurrencies are in a bear market. STEEM is struggling to stay above $0.30 and has now dropped out of the Top 50 cryptocurrencies by Market Cap. What are you doing in response?

You've stopped posting because the payouts aren't large enough. Perhaps you're creating 3-4 crappy posts per day in an effort to trigger the auto-upvoting-bots that follow your account. Despite the low price of SP, you're not maximally powering-up post payouts. You delegate whatever SP you possess to every game-rigging mechanism that the game riggers can concoct, but not a cent to supporting Great Content Creators or Great Manual Curators. You open one account after another on competing crypto-based social media platforms, hedging your bets by playing the field.

What you won't do is fight for Steemit. You'll whine and complain, bellyache and blame ... but you won't even try to do anything constructive. You're OK with anything ... so long as it costs you nothing. You'll pay no price, make no sacrifice.

Would you even recite this poem? It's a silly poem, but it's fun and, in the depths of depression and despair, a little bit of levity can go a long way. It would require no skill and very little effort and, the silliness aside, it's a very good poem - remember that haughty snotty thing ... I don't write crap. Would you sponsor this Contest, or any contest ... for even 1 SBD? Would you ReSteem? Or is this, too, too much to ask?

Scroll though my posts of the past couple of months. How long do you think it took to create any one of them? Now take a look at the post payouts. Do you think I'm happy with the reward-for-effort ratio? But I'm still fighting for Steemit, in whatever ways that I can, for long before I was a poet ... I was a soldier. And, if there's one insight I understand better than all others, it is that: "That for which no one is willing to fight ... dies."


So do what you will … but I have a Quill,
And stand, I will for my friend,
I’ll draw it my sword, and fight it the horde,
Though lone, I stand at the end.


Quill



The Articles About Reforming Steemit:

  1. Jerry Banfield, Down-Voting & Freedom of Speech
  2. "Down-Voting as Censorship" - A Series About Fixing Steemit - Part 2
  3. "Derivatives" - A Series About Fixing Steemit - Part 3

And the Nuclear Bombs:

  1. "Central Premise & Proposals" - A Series About Fixing Steemit - Part 4
  2. FOLLOW UP: "Central Premise & Proposals" - A Series About Fixing Steemit - Part 4


Contest Sponsors

I would like to thank the following Sponsors who generously donated SBD to make this Contest possible:

@girlbeforemirror ... 10 SBD (Great writer/poet)

@quillfire ... 15 SBD (Shakespeare wanna-be)

@fionasfavourites ... 1 SBD (Persuadable girl and astonishing chef)

@hlezama ... 1 STEEM (Best Literary Critic on the blockchain)

If you'd like to become a Sponsor, please DM me on Discord. Thank you.


You guys know the drill. Be verbose ... but articulate.

And remember ...

Go Love A Starving Poet

For God's sake ... they're starving!


Authors get paid when people like you upvote their post.
If you enjoyed what you read here, create your account today and start earning FREE STEEM!
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Hi quillfire,

Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
This will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied. (That being said, you are free to adopt any position you wish - we can recommend pantsless with beer in hand.)

Judges:

If you have any questions or queries please feel free to contact one of the judges or come say hi in discord: Click Here

Click To Vote @ComedyOpenMic For Witness And Disrupt The Steem Blockchain With Laughter!
Support COM Banner

Thank you to @matytan for the great banner

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@steemcomedyclub,

Thanks as always for the support. This one could be fun. :-)

Quill

The things I'd do for my starving poet friends!
As not-promised:

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@hlezama,

Hmmm. A non-video video. I've always said that the Power of Prosody is in the Pause ... but I think this takes things beyond what I had in mind. :-)

Quill

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Sorry about that. Unintended. Try again

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@hlezama,

H ... I laughed my ass off. How you managed to keep a straight face during that is beyond me. There's something about the Spanish accent ... reciting it, seriously, like you were an intellectual in a 1700's Paris Salon. I expected Benjamin Franklin to stroll by in the background.

Well done.

Quill

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Hahaha. Thanks. It was fun.


After a generous interpretation of the rules, I figured this was acceptable :P

The video can be of you reciting the poem, or, you can employ other visuals with a voice layover. You can use background music if you like, or not. I have no preference, just be creative ... and have a good time.

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Hahaha. This was awesome. Hawkins had become a known characters for us via The Big Bang Theory, one of my daughters' favorite shows. They loved it. They thought it was a sketch from the show.
Best of luck

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He was actually a really funny guy with a great personality. If you get the chance to watch the latest biopic about him called The Theory of Everything I highly recommend it.

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Sure, we watched that movie. Starring Eddie Redmayne. Very revealing. Well, a guy who was interested in black holes and big bangs was meant to recite a poem about farts. It makes sense. :)

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Quote From @dollarsandsense's Post:

@dollarsandsense,

In the military, there's a tradition that if ever there is a misunderstanding of the orders, it is ALWAYS the fault of the commander. While this video recitation stretches that tradition to the limit, it demonstrates a level of 'creative insubordination' that can only be admired by anyone who was ever 'other ranks.'

And hence ... it's qualifies.

D, I laughed my ass off ... Stephen Hawkins ... I DID NOT see that one coming. :-) Touche.

Quill

I love this and the parody/allegory. I doubt I shall participate - not really good at this camera/video thing. Don't even do selfies - very often. And then it's usually with a feline.... On a serious note, I have read and contributed to your thread/discourse on Steemit and, like you, am here for the long haul. Check your wallet for an insignificant contribution to the contest.

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@fionasfavourites,

I doubt I shall participate - not really good at this camera/video thing. Don't even do selfies - very often.

I anticipated your camera-shyness:

The video can be of you reciting the poem, or, you can employ other visuals with a voice layover.

... and hence, deprived you of the argument. Much of the history of humanity involves guys talking girls into doing things they think are bad ideas. :-)

Thank you SO MUCH for your Sponsorship contribution. I will edit the post and include you in the august group Sponsors.

One might argue that such small amounts are insignificant.

What do you call 10,000 men with swords?

10,000 men with swords.

What do you call 10,000 men with swords ... that act as one?

An army.

It is the coordination of efforts, many of which are, in-and-of-themselves, insignificant ... that is transformative.

Quill

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Bwhahaha!

... and hence, deprived you of the argument.
Well you almost had me, until
Much of the history of humanity involves guys talking girls into doing things they think are bad ideas. :-)
I'll probably still decline ;)
What do you call 10,000 men with swords ... that act as one?
An army. It is the coordination of efforts, many of which are, in-and-of-themselves, insignificant ... that is transformative.
Very kind. I hope you do get another 9,999
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@fionasfavourites,

Much of the history of humanity involves guys talking girls into doing things they think are bad ideas. :-)

I'll probably still decline ;)

Guys talking girls into bad ideas is a process. We learn patience at a young age. "Probably" ... leaves open the door to yes.

My 'favourite' (notice that I spelled it 'your way' ... that's called charm ... which is part of the process) statistic in the world is: 'On average, men speak 7,000 words per day ... women, 20,000.'

But that's the average. Clearly, I'm on the HIGH END of the Bell Curve for men. I do 20,000 words in a reply-to-a-reply-to-a-reply-to-a-comment. How are you, realistically, going to survive that? Sooner or later, Nature is going to kick in and you're going to start thinking, "Hmmm ... maybe I would like to make a recitation video. If so, how would I do it?" It is inevitable so you may as well get cracking.

And 26 SBD (so far) ... in this day and age, that's a pretty good Prize.

Moreover, have you noticed that a number of whales have already upvoted this post (including Curie). I got a DM last night and, while I can't mention names, I'm told that one of them is looking for that 'perfect South African accent' to articulate his next White Paper.

Fiona ... opportunity knocks.

Quill

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After a couple of white wine spritzers, four hours without electricity (in 2 hour slots, known as loadshedding - I kid you not), getting my dates confused, I may rise to the challenge.

The deadline?

It all depends on the aforementioned electricity and Sunday Supper.

As far as the perfect Saffa accent, I am sure there are others more imminently qualified since I have, at different times been asked if I am British and/or Australian.

I shall not offer an opinion.

Over and out. For now. :D

Posted using Partiko Android

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@fionasfavourites,

After a couple of white wine spritzers,

I TOLD YOU the booze would help!

I may rise to the challenge.

You are most definitely in. This is ALWAYS the kind of language women use when being talked into a bad idea by men. It's part of the transition of making it sound like it was their idea in the first place.

Now, how do we get @jaynie in? Better yet, how do we get the two of you tanked up and collaborating? You know how competitive she is ... if Steemitbloggers' reputation is on the line, and the job practically requires getting tipsy ... I'll end up with a video that will go viral, and stay that way, for a month. Ah ... boots! Jaynie, this is your opportunity to show off your "boots of ill-repute." You can blame the whole thing on me ... I didn't give you Shakespeare ... I gave you farts. What choice did you have?

What do you think @lynnecoyle1 & @lymepoet? Surely you're not going to let those South African girls steal your thunder.

Quill

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Hahaha! @jaynie and I getting tanked a doing something together would have been possible - still is - but we live nearly 200km apart, so you will have to wait for that. Don't die of antici-p-a-tion: it could take a while and would definitely not fit the format of this competition... 🤭

This "persuadable girl" is not going to succumb to your eloquence and step out of her comfort zone. Instead, I will retreat to my kitchen and continue with my cunning plan to entice you to visit South Africa and then you will see just what @jaynie and I can get up to!

Posted using Partiko Android

please forgive
A. appalling video skills (first time making one ever)
B. not thinking to turn camera (again, no clue here)
C. my face dear god (I could've at least put make up on, brushed my hair, some shit, there is no obligation to actually look at this while listening to it)
D. my minor change of words (this is the best of a lot more, and I kept saying a couple of lines wrong, in the end, I went with this one, i just couldn't stop my mind auto changing just the tiniest bits, i hope it doesn't get me disqualified.)
E. everything else

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@calluna,

Absolutely charming! The accent adds oodles.

"My face dear God ..."

I don't know what you're talking about. You look gorgeous.

And, of course, a post is not required ... your 'video recitation' as a comment is qualifying.

Thanks for your participation. Great job.

Quill

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I had an allergic reaction to face wash last night, i look wrong to myself haha

My mum spent years training me to classically recite poems, in my best very british accent, and i really couldn't resist doing it for this!

Thank you very much for the challenge, glad I made it!

Brilliant idea. Actually Shakespeare was a great fan of bottom related gags... Hope you get lots of farty responses! :)

...

....

Posted using Partiko Android

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@felt.buzz,

Thanks mate.

Quill

Dropping by to see who is in the game.
This is a great idea for those who like to do videos.

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@rebeccabe,

Anyone who has a cellphone ... and a tongue ... is enabled. :-)

Quill

I'd like to hear @tygertyger interpret this.
Either spoken or in any number of her musical genres.
What do you think tyge?

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Right now my voice is shot any singing or longer speaking causes issues but remind me ...

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@girlbeforemirror,

@tygertyger, Marg is right ... get in here and start interpreting away. Anyone who calls themselves a tiger ... twice ... owes the world a roar. :-)

Quill

Amazing!! This #steemitbloggers community won't stop amazing me reaally! I got bit offended by your last paragraph as I don't do anything of that haha :D I've just started one tiny "project"of mine, bought a quite some steem and all I not powered up is to promote the next project I hope to start in 2 weeks or so :D

As far as the challenge goes. I don't know man haha :D singing ain't my thing :D But will for sure enjoy the other subs :D

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@matkodurko,

I got bit offended by your last paragraph as I don't do anything of that ...

You have my salute. Poets provoke ... it goes back to Homer. When you're addressing a crowd, you have no choice but to 'speak in the abstract.'

As far as the challenge goes. I don't know man haha :D singing ain't my thing :D

"Reciting' isn't 'singing.' In actuality, it's just 'reading' (melodramatically, perhaps, but then again I encouraged you to get liquored up, didn't I?) ... but haughty and snotty poets cannot reduce themselves to such mundane endeavors and so we bullshit and call it 'reciting.' And, as I mentioned to @fionasfavourites:

I anticipated your camera-shyness:

The video can be of you reciting the poem, or, you can employ other visuals with a voice layover.

... and hence, deprived you of the argument.

Anyone can read a poem into a cell phone and throw the sound file into a PowerPoint presentation. I run an advertising agency ... what I'm looking for is creativity. And creativity is about brilliant ideas, ideals and insights ... not the variability of vocal chords.

I WANT YOU in my Contest!!!

Quill

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I'm still not persuaded. Although it's tempting to use Deep Purple's Smoke on the Water to drown out my voice! LOL

Hey, @quillfire!

Thank you for your contribution to the crowd. We are the Steemit project dedicated to empowering The Wisdom of Crowds. You can find more about us on our official website or whitepaper and you can support us by voting for our witness and joining our curation trail on Steemauto . We are also inviting you to join Crowdmind Discord server. Don't forget to use the #crowdmind hashtag and happy crowdsourcing!

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@crowdmind,

And thank you for your commitment to rewarding contributions to the crowd. I'll go have a look at your website. It sounds like an interesting project.

Quill

Well done, both poem and interpretation!

I do not even get why we should be upset
by fart's natural lows as we may.
One cannot fart all day but when you've something to say,
best rely on this old-fashioned way.

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@manoldonchev,

Kudos, sir ... a poetic rejoinder. Brilliant. I hope to see you as a Contest Participant.

Quill

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Ah, videos, my nemesis... #23134714 or something. I will probably do it but after the deadline. Waiting for the right moment and place ;)

We are SO proud to have you as a member of our
FANTABULOUS @steemitbloggers family!
uvoted and resteemed!

❤ MWAH!!! ❤

interested in joining the Steemit Bloggers Community?

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@steemitbloggers,

As usual, thank you guys.

For those not in the know, Steemitbloggers is the Premiere Group of writers on the blockchain with a commitment to, and history of, creating the extraordinary.

Our Commander-In-Chief is @jaynie who is an iron gauntlet in a velvet glove. She is enabled by @zord189 who possesses the unusual quality of not needing any sleep, as evidenced by the fact that he never sleeps. Our group has the good fortune of being supported by @bluemist (@appreciator) who graciously puts arrows in our quivers.

My thanks to all.

Quill

@quillfire

Love the poem. Love the rant at the end even more. :-)

I'm going to see if I can get Matt to recite this one for you. He is an excellent speaker and may have lots of fun with it. He may even be able to channel some inner Shakespeare...we'll see. :-) In the meantime, fart on!

Mattifer

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@mattifer,

This is YOUR opportunity for GREATNESS. Reciting a poem about farting (which is actually a poem about Steemit), while liquored up ... and while doing a Pants Off, Dance Off. This would win an Academy Award, a Grammy, a Nobel Prize ... and undoubtedly, massive upvotes.

You could probably retire, in comfort, from the winnings.

Quill

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@quillfire

I'm very much looking forward to my upcoming retirement. I'm quite glad you mentioned it, as I hitherto hadn't thought of that possibility.

I shall begin spending my prize monies forthwith on copious amounts of alcohol.

Mattifer

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@mattifer,

Thatta girl!

Quill

I got to say I think you have found your niche here Quill. Well done.

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@old-guy-photos,

Thanks Ol' Guy.

Paul, where's your video recitation!?! For Heaven's Sake ... you've got all the gear and countless hours of experience in making videos. You've still got lot's of time. You could crank out a dozen before the deadline.

Quill

I want to do this, but I am really struggling at the moment, would you accept an entry as a comment?

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"That for which no one is willing to fight ... dies."

This I know as a fact, my friend. Wise and honest words you've uttered here. The poem is hillarious and once you make the substitution, well, it is still funny, but it gains the depth we expect in good poetry.
I'll offer you 1 Steem (I don't have it in my wallet yet, but it should be there by tomorrow, so we still have time to transfer it to you before the post pays out), and i will see if i can recite the stinky poem.
Can't promise it (have been postpoing video posting for months now).

Fart on!

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@hlezama,

Fart on!

That's the spirit Ol' Boy.

H, I thank you for your Sponsorship and am awaiting, on pins and needles, a recitation. BTW, where's @d-pend ... he's always reciting some bloody thing or another. Hell, I bet he'd recite the words on a can of beans.

Quill :-)


This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.
@c-squared runs a community witness. Please consider using one of your witness votes on us here
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@c-squared,

Whales ... where the Hell are you guys? C-Squared is doing the yeoman's work of curation on the blockchain. They ought to have a hundred times the upvoting support that they do. If you want STEEM to go back up in price, the process starts with Manual Curation. Put some bullets in their guns.

Quill

As we discussed on discord, not enough wine in the world buddy! Good luck with this :-)

besides, my son is visiting and we are having so much fun but before you ask, no, we will not do a joint effort haha

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@lynnecoyle1,

It's too bad because if a woman wins this Contest ... she automatically gets crowned, the "Prettiest Girl on Steemit."

That's not nothing.

Alright, here's my modified pitch: You don't do the recitation ... nor do you and your son do a collaboration. HE does the recitation ... you just pour the drinks. We both know you're very good at pouring drinks, Lynn. This will be a ton of fun. He's a guy ... farts are our friends. For visuals: Have him eat lots of beans, squeeze his butt-cheeks together and let rip in front of a candle ... the resultant art is called a "Blue Angel" ... and That's Must See TV. I'll bet he'd jump at the opportunity.

Lynn ... you have to ask.

Don't deprive your child of this opportunity.

Quill

Quill, you are phenomenal! If anyone could have pulled a poem on such a topic and make it sound so eloquent, that would be only you! I loved it! As much as I loved it, I would have to say no to your proposal of reciting it as I am not fond of being on camera. Meanwhile I am hoping to convince my partner to do it . Fingers crossed, maybe he will do it. ;0)

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@lymepoet,

Women! Alright, Lavi, I want you to find @fionasfavourites' comment and read the thread ... but insert yourself in her place. :-)

Quill

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I am sorry, I cannot evaluate your post. This can have several reasons, for example, it may not be long enough, it's not in English, or has been filtered, etc.