A Few More Army Stories (Comedy Open Mic Round # 30)steemCreated with Sketch.

in comedyopenmic •  2 months ago

A month ago I put together a little collection of Army stories for my #comedyopenmic entry. Since I'm judging this round, I thought it would be appropriate to just phone it in with a second drop of stupid stories for everyone's reading pleasure. Today I'm gonna focus a bit more on myself and my time as a cadet. I joined the Army by way of ROTC, and let me tell you what: putting a uniform on a bunch of over-educated and under-achieving college kids turns out about exactly as well as you might think. But first, a quick story from my active duty time that I forgot from last time:

The Spider

We had been out in the field for a training exercise for several days. Luckily, I wasn't in a unit of savages infantry, so we had porta-potties on site to do our business in. Hey, if taking a dump into a hole in the ground is your thing, I hear they are always looking for more 11B suckers. I like deliver my bowel movements in the comfort of a sweltering urine soaked plastic sewage box, thank you very much.

Anyway, this did not happen to me personally, but once it happened, word of it spread faster than you all heard about the Byteball airdrop. A soldier had gone to use the latrine in the dark of the night. As he was seated, a spider crawled out from under the rim. You can guess what happened next.

Anyway, he ended up being fine. As far as I know he can still father children, and for a few days he achieved what many pills sold online can only claim to do. I think the funniest part about it was that everyone knew within an hour of it happening, and everyone gave him a hard time about it for weeks afterwards.

Cadet Shenanigans

For one day a week all throughout college, I donned a uniform and played Army-man for a few hours. Poor decisions were made before, during, and after these hours.

One day after getting out of training late we all decided it would be a good idea to go to the club together in uniform. We had the presence of mind to take off our ROTC patches so no one would know we were only pretend soldiers, and so we wouldn't get in trouble. Unbelievably enough, none of us got in trouble.

I used to ride to training on a motorcycle. One day, one of the other cadets asked if he could ride back to school with me as a passenger on the back of my motorcycle. I let him ride under one condition: he wear a helmet. Since I had only brought one helmet with me, he ended up wearing one of those old Vietnam era Kevlar helmets (K-pots). We were both in uniform, headed home in rush hour traffic down the beltway, and he had a combat helmet on and was holding on to me for dear life. I can't imagine what that looked like. I wish I had a picture.

Summer Camp Delirium

In the summer between your junior and senior year, ROTC cadets have to go to a 40 day training and evaluation course. It is the closest thing we do to basic training, and the schedule is just as brutal. Up at 6 AM, training until 10 PM. No breaks. No weekends. It's a great stress simulator, and people react to it in different ways. Most people just go the old "chin down and grunt it out" route. A few people quit or have a nervous breakdown. But me, I went full joker. It was so hard for me to take anything seriously, that I just stopped trying. By the end of that 40 days, I had skirted the edge of getting punished more times than I can count. Here's a few examples of what I'm talking about:

We had to use camouflage facepaint while we were out in the woods. I thought this was ridiculous, as we were well inside the borders of the United States with nary a Taliban in sight. So when forced to apply my man makeup, I used a dark color to paint cat whiskers across my cheeks and big raccoon eyes across my face. They made me wipe it off and re-apply it within the first few minutes of spotting me walking around the camp like some kind of militant furry. Again, I wish I had a picture of this.

But I tell you what I do have a picture of! During one of the many security halts we took during training, I decided to augment my professional facepaint camouflage with some natural foliage. My results were phenomenal, and I am happy to report the enemy was unable to spot me in my elaborate disguise.

1930337_534498021372_1153_n.jpg

Oh, that is the same kind of helmet my friend wore when I gave him a ride on my motorcycle.

Another time, we had just come off of hours of room-clearing drills. We were so sick of staking up and running into rooms that we decided to have a little fun and pretend to clear the smallest room of all:

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Staying Entertained

Training gets boring. So you do what you can to stay awake.

Once I went for 4 hours straight in full-blown Robert Downey Jr. from Tropic Thunder character during a mission. I had an unlit cigarette hanging out of my mouth the entire time and did a pretty good rendition of his accent and mannerisms.

Once when I was running a training as a senior in ROTC, I had to man the "TOC" (headquarters) overnight. To stay awake, my friend and I put on a movie on the laptop. For some reason, the only movie he had was Marley and Me. About 30 minutes into the movie, one of our Sergeant's walks in and goes "Oh is that the one where the dog dies?" Spoiler alert. I think we turned the movie off.

Later during that same exercise, a few of us were using chewing tobacco to stay awake. Now, for those of you who've never tried it, it comes on strong. The buzz you get the first time you use it is like smoking 20 cigarettes at once. So when our friend who had never tried it asked for some because he was having a rough time staying awake, we warned him. Didn't do any good though - 15 minutes later he was in the bathroom puking.

The Radio

Shortly after I joined the real Army, I was the OIC (officer in charge) of a day at the shooting range. One of my responsibilities was to call in to Range Control on the radio to request permission to begin firing. It was my very first time on the radio ever, but I was confident I would make it through. Flanked by my two most senior NCOs, I called up range control. Everything was going nearly picture perfect until the very end.

Range Control: "Acknowledge all, you are green on Range 46. OIC confirm with initials"

Me off the radio: "Uhh... what does he mean?"

My NCO: "You just need to give him your initials and then you're done."

Me off the radio: "Riiiight. Got it."

Now as anyone who has ever seen a movie knows, us military types are very fond of our "Alphas, Bravos, Charlies" and so forth. You would never get on the radio and say "A B" if your name was Aaron Burgess. You'd say "Alpha Bravo". Well, I could not for the life of me remember what the correct word for my letters were. Time was ticking. Range Control was waiting for a reply. My NCOs were staring at me, barely concealing their smirks at my visible discomfort and certainly not about to offer the information unsolicited. Finally I keyed the mic:

"July... Violet."

Range Control paused for longer than I would have expected and finally came back.

"Roger Range 46, out."

My NCO's then burst out laughing. They didn't let me live that one down for weeks. "JV" is supposed to be "Juliett Victor".... not "July Violet".

Don't mess up on the radio. People will make fun of you.

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This was my entry for Round 30 of the Comedy Open Mic contest. I nominate @bengy and @papacrusher.

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@DollarsAndSense is a father, veteran, participant in the rat race, freelance writer, and volunteer EMT. He also tries to be funny sometimes. Want to read some of my previous comedy entries?

Unless otherwise noted, all text and pictures in this post are my own and may not be reused without my permission.
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Hi dollarsandsense,

Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
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THIS - this cracked me up. Plus I keep reading the sign as "Snookum" - thinking this must be another @snook #snookMadeMeDoIt moment.

I'm thinking July Violet could be your porn handle, no? Sounds kinda porn star-ish to me.... except I guess you'd have to be in drag.... hmmm better rethink this...

Thanks for the laughs Capitan, Seargent, Major, General, ?

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Hahah, yeah I'm not touching that one either.

I got out as a Captain but now I'm just a fat civilian. Glad you enjoyed my reminiscing!

!pancakes

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Thanks for contacting Pancakes Express!

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If you would like to order your own pancakes, just make a comment !pancakes anywhere on the blockchain and we will send you a menu.

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Told you so. Now let's go program !beer

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@corpsvalues, your pancakes are ready!
Source

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oh maaaahhhh GAAWWWWD gimme that shit

Now you know how you look image

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Hahaha, it was considerably less sexy.

Only the bravest of soldiers would clear a room labeled "Skookum Sanitation".

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Each platoon had to come up with a motto for when they were called to attention in formation, and our sister platoon picked "Dook 'em in the Skookum"

I actually heard that two cadets couldn't keep it in their pants for 40 days and they got down and dirty in one of those things...

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Hahaha that's awesome. And disgusting...

Don't mess up on the radio. People will make fun of you.

Now, that was funny! Not only did you not get the phonetics right, you should not have used them to begin with.

Keeping the non-coms in a good mood, were you?

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Sure... It was intentional :P All about keeping morale high :D

I figure there is a rule somewhere that says a butterbar is actually required to make a few mistakes, just to keep the stories coming.

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a butterbar is actually required to make a few mistakes

Well, I just assumed it was play-acting and remaining in character. So ROTC still taught that in "Expected Behavior 101"?

Oh boy... That's a great and funny read! Hope you keep your mouth closed on real missions! Your teeth ruin the camo effect!

Thanks for the nomination... I will have to think on the fight... See if I can remember where I stashed my funny bone!

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At the risk of offending some of your followers, I figure you could post some of the most head-scratchingly weird answers to your weekly question. I figure that post would write itself, and we'd all get a great laugh out of it too!

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Haha... yes that would be definitely possible... but I have something else in mind, but I'm not sure if I can make it funny!

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Just as an update!

I have featured you and your post for a curation contest here:

https://steemit.com/curation/@bengy/-fuyx5b39jp

You can join the fun here:

https://steemit.com/payitforward/@pifc/week-24-pay-it-forward-curation-contest-d6ec752200cd1est

I'm sure you have many rated R and NSFW stories as well!

Thanks for sharing!

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Shhhh 🤫

Satute of limitations on some of that stuff is 10 years or more 😂

For phoning it in this was a great piece of work Julie or Vicky or Violet, or what ever name you are going by now.

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Well I was “Hardcore 5” while deployed, so if I’m allowed to pick I’ll stick with that 😛

Thanks for stopping by, glad it was a fun read.

oh brother, you did NOT July Violet on an open com line. HAHA
LMAO the whole way through this post, awesome share.
I think someone had a really intimate bonding experience with you on your motorcycle it sounds like... it would be interesting to hear his side of the story, whether it was the elation of going fast or the trepidation of where the appropriate place to hang on to a commisioned officer, butt-to-nut was

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Glad you enjoyed, figured you would :P

Hahaha you pervert. We were both cadets at the time. Everyone knows there is zero hanky-panky that goes on in the ranks of ROTC. Zero.

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hahaha. I'm trying to imagine what would happen if I had asked one of my USMC officers if I could ride on the back of their motorcycle. Yeah I think I missed the part where you said it was during ROTC but it made the story so much funnier to me imagining this happening after you were commissioned.

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Hahaha that would be a whole new level of fraternization...

howdy sir dollarsandsense! hahaha! very good sir, it reminds me of that movie with Bill Murry called Stripes, did you ever see that? those guys were always clowning around too!

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I think I've seen bits and pieces of it on TV but never the whole thing. I'll have to put it in the queue! You can't go wrong with Bill Murray!

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haha! well if you've been in the military it's hilarious otherwise people wouldn't understand how funny some if it is but great post!

Ha! That last anecdote was my favorite. My boyfriend is a military guy and often uses the alpha bravo charlies himself. It always takes me a minute to figure out what the hell he is talking about. :-)

What kind of enemy did you catch in the sanitation? Brave raid, huh! At least you did not say Jogging Violently for JV. How could you not know the military phonetics when you are already in the army? Aren't you suppose to have memorized that by heart from ROTC days? 😂

That was a fun read! I came across your article through @bengy who featured it on his post as an entry to Pay It Forward Curation Contest. The contest is open to everyone so feel free to join us.

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The only thing we managed to catch was E. Coli :P

ow could you not know the military phonetics when you are already in the army?

I know, I know, I know, alright! :D It was a total brain fart.

Glad you enjoyed, and glad you stopped by! Bengy is great, one of my very most favorite Steemians. I will definitely have to stop by the PIFC and drop my own entry.

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Hahaha! That's cool. It really made me look for what E. Coli is.

Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria normally live in the intestines of healthy people and animals. Most varieties of E. coli are harmless or cause relatively brief diarrhea. But a few particularly nasty strains, such as E. coli O157:H7, can cause severe abdominal cramps, bloody diarrhea and vomiting. - Mayoclinic

See you at PIFC. 😊

Love the outstanding makeup technique! XD

Hola @dollarsandsense! excelente publicación te felicito, llegue a tu post por @bengy, te presento en su entrada al concurso, Pay it Forward Curation Contest, estas invitado a participar.

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Gracias, mucho gusto! Pienso que hazlo.

Dropping by and supporting your post @dollarsandsense, due to the entry of it, by @bengy, into our Pay It Forward Community's weekly curation contest.

”... and people react to it in different ways. Most people just go the old "chin down and grunt it out" route. A few people quit or have a nervous breakdown. But me, I went full joker. It was so hard for me to take anything seriously, that I just stopped trying.“

You sound like a very interesting Steemian! Glad to have you around to liven things up!

All the best to you, moving forward, as we all work together to add value to our Steem blockchain.

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And the harder it gets, the more jokes I will make and the less seriously I will take it :D

Thanks for stopping by! Glad you found it :)

😂😂😂😂😂😂 there's nothing to comments in this post.. let me laugh out loud😂😂😂 I wish I could find the ROFL emoji.

Hi @dollarsandsense as you know @bengy featured you in this week's @pifc's Pay It Forward Curation Contest.

I just love this post. I think rumors spread faster in a military unit than with jr high school girls LOL. Ex-husband is a 'retired' Marine. I would hear things from the guys before he did LOL. I was lucky enough to be selected as point-of-contact for the wives. I gave the CO's wife a bit of trouble over it LOL. No way I would have done that had I not gotten along with her very well. I got along with him very well too. The guys would actually get upset because I could joke with him on some subjects and he wouldn't let them. He even told them one day if there were ever rude or disorderly with me, that the next time they went into the field the would have to do a 5-mile night hump LOL.

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