ANXIETY on STEROIDS - PTSD
I didn't write in the #challenge30 yesterday because I was having "a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" (Judith Viorst)
My mind was constricted and not from writer's block or blogger's brain.
I had feelings of being unsafe and was on danger alert.
My poor body was purring with alarm bells and on call for action.
On the outside, no one knows. I look normal. I dress well, have a decent hair cut and wear makeup. People say I am a bright light and I smile. Inside though, that is not the person I see or feel.
Inside I feel stuck.
My body feels either like it won't move at all or that I am going in slow motion. My sight is affected - pixelated, like still frames from a camera and I can hear the ratcheted sound a sprinkler makes as each frame passes. My hearing is heightened to the point of needing a quiet room or ear plugs. It's exhausting to be honest. I smell burning paper and it swirls inside my head making it difficult to think straight.
My mind constricts. I think of it like an hour glass, tight in the middle and my thoughts like the sand–squeezing through the tiny opening. My emotions are incredibly heightened which causes pain somewhere in my body I can't always pinpoint. In these moments, danger, 911, emergency, rings through my mind and the feelings are all I can pay attention to.
The body remembers what the mind forgets, so I feel things in my body before I can register them in my mind.
The anxiety messes up my ability to process what is happening around me or what people are saying to me.
I find it hard to process words. Things get jumbled when I read, words seem to swim on the page. The harder I try to concentrate, the tighter my brain becomes.
My memory suffers. What I see or hear or read one moment is gone the next.
What triggers an attack is sometimes unknown. I do have known triggers and I try to work with those but I'm not always able in that moment.
A core belief that I need to challenge constantly is that I am flawed, bad, ruined, unwanted. I feel like I was born with a target on my back and that's all I'll ever be. High alert is all I know.
I was diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) at age 50. I thought I was a calm person. No, I have an anxiety disorder - anxiety on steriods!! I have been attending dialectical behaviour therapy for a year and have a marked control of my life. I still have a long way to go and I'm no longer at the total mercy of this disorder. The work I am doing right now is helping me learn how to deal with the distressing emotions which in turn, will help me through the upcoming trauma therapy.
For years I refused to admit I had this disorder. I thought I didn't deserve to have it; I wasn't a war vet or a front line emergency worker. I didn't see the carnage or know the fear they had experienced. I wasn't brave. I didn't lay my life down for someone.
What I was told though is that trauma can happen to anyone, anywhere - the body and mind don't care where it comes from.
source
photos by Pixabay.com
@countrygirl
This was a very authentic post - a rare quality in today's world. You under-value yourself, countrygirl. You are a very good writer and your post is beautiful - excellent images. A certain amount of angst comes with being authentic, but so does a great deal of humanity, and you have that in abundance :)
Exactly what John said. <3
Oh, you are clever, mere! I should try that next time you give advice to @countrygirl...What she said!
LOL
Tsk, you two! Wordsmiths with wit all in one package.
lol, how bout I jump in and say ... What they said! I also made another comment.
Glad today is better! I also wrote today about a label I have. also 4 letters. I was just thinking about labels - and groups - and identities - funny that we posted at the same time. :) Though - my label is on the opposite side of the spectrum as yours. Mine is an unusual one - for sure. But - sometimes having a label helps us to associate with others - find some comraderie, stand on common ground, link arms with others who fight the same battles. I'm glad that you were able to see that it's not about deserving the diagnosis. It's about acknowledging what you're going through and getting the help you need. I hope you have some peace today :)
Thanks @dreemsteem for the hope of peace today. Brought tears to my eyes. You understand the camaraderie of like minded people.
Hope never disappoints :)
Toward the end when you said:
My first thought was - this sounds like a kind of survivor's guilt. You don't need to see carnage - but there is definitely war -- War with time, gravity, situations, loss, heartbreak. War against our mind and body from internal (biological and/or chemical) and external forces.
My husband's PTSD is not nearly as bad since he's finally begun talking about his triggers and really taking a hard look at the root of them. As for me, I need white noise in the background to get rid of the humming in my head. I also wear earplugs or stick paper napkins in my ears to dub certain sounds. I don't know if it's a placebo effect, but I've been taking St. John's Wort and I do feel calmer too.
That all being said - you honesty and willingness to share a part of your dark place is wonderful. We definitely need more of that and more writing from you! XOXOX
It's hard to know how much to share without sounding whiney.....you know what I mean Vern? My purpose was to "teach" about what PTSD feels like to a person who has it and hopefully try to destigmatize a bunch of the symptoms that are usually dismissed, made fun of as a human weakness and to stop the fancy quote platitudes thrown around - as if pulling up my socks will make things better.
I think writing about it helped me with clarity. Thanks for your X's and O's :)
I know what'cha mean, Ernest. LOL
And I would definitely say your post was informative and nowhere near whiney. I've seen hubby transported to a different time and place while he was standing in front of me. I've also had to duck from some wild swings when he's sleeping/dreaming/"back in the suck".
So if pulling up your socks or painting your toenails makes it better, I say go for it! ps - I found a boogie man trap for ya. ;)
I love the baby footwear.....I gotta get me some of those to dangle over my bed and on my car rear view mirror....then all will be well. How do I know? Ernest said so, that's how.
Also, the only socks I pull up are my Punky Brewster socks....now those are some fancy feel better mood socks, know what I mean?
Ernest as a baby cracked me up......what a great little video...I'll have to save it for when I need a laugh.
Thanks lady!
As a science, I don't hold psychology in high esteem, but I must admit that over the past thirty years, they have developed a few kinds of therapy that actually work, and never mind the scientific basis, what works works. These therapies will get you through it, over it, beyond it, or next to it laughing at it, depending on the therapy. Any which way, you'll be fine. I am, been there.
Thanks @ocrdu. It's a long road ahead, but I can see some changes already. Glad you are fine as well.
nice post
Thank you @steemgold
I really liked to read this post, very clear and well writen! Guess anxiety is one of the first world problems, sometimes i think i should look for some help too.
Hey Liliana...yes, anxiety is crappy....it's tough. If you are having it to the point of it making your life difficult to impossible to live, yes look for some help. I don't know what kind of anxiety you have but I'm sure there are therapies that will be good for you.
Thanks for your words!! Hope you're feeling better:)
It seems to me that most of the great artists had to suffer in some form.
It is a commonality that separates them from the rest.
Perhaps this is what you must suffer to be the great writer that you are..
Whilst I would not wish this condition on anyone, I say this to perhaps allow you to view the condition differently, and also yourself.
The episodes are your creativeness whirring away and getting you set up for more wonderful writing. And you are an artist like so many before you dong your best to work it all through.
But unlike those other artists, you have us here at Steemit to help you when it gets tough. :-)
So on the 'bad' days, don't fret. just let it work its way through knowing that on the other side you will still be awesome, still be talented and still be cherished by all of here on Steemit.
Aw...thanks @trevor.george. Those are some very kind and thoughtful words of care. I appreciate it very much.
Thank you so much for your candid and vulnerable post. I have had similar thoughts about myself as well as powerful bouts of anxiety. I have found only one approach to work in times of extreme stress and it's called EFT. No I'm not an affiliate nor do I receive any endorsements from them. In fact they provide all of their information free on a website created by the founder Gary Craig. That is the only source I would trust for this information. He has helped others including myself deal with the anxious responses to our thoughts. He shows you step by step a system on how to administer a non evasive form of emotional acupuncture through a series of tapping on strategic parts of your body. It has worked for me... as recent as 15 minutes ago when I was freaking out about my financial situation.
Here is the website where you can find the information:
http://www.emofree.com/
I hope this helps :)
Thanks for sharing this method and your struggles. Glad it works for you.
In my case, I need to work on accepting my emotions, tolerating them and not being afraid of them. Heading into the darkness and facing them so to speak. Looking at my triggers differently so they lose their hold on me.
"Tapping" would be considered a distraction or a turning of the mind for a time - bringing the mind away from the stressor.
I can completely understand your thought process for I thought the exact same thing before I read the material, in fact I refused to look at it for close to two years. My friend said to me what I said to you and I wasn't as eloquent or gentle in my refusal lol. What I did find when I actually looked at this approach was that it was exactly what I was asking for; it focused on the emotion and helped me accept myself and them. I am not going to push you nor keep going on and on and be "that person" that is preachy and annoying. I've had that and been that way before and it accomplishes nothing positive. I'll keep you in my thoughts and send positive energy your way; battling this isn't easy and I hope that you find what works for you so you can have the peace you seek.
That's very kind of you @commonguru to take the time to re explain and to send me well wishes.
You write so beautifully. I am sorry to hear that you have to go through this, but glad that you have learned some ways to cope and that you can talk about it here on Steemit.
All the best!
Thank you @canadian-coconut. I don't consider myself a writer so it feels good to be validated that way.
They way you articulate your experience truly flows with the experience. DBT is one of the most comprehensive psychotherapies I have seen in action.
You talk about not deserving PTSD but I spend a lot of time with people who have other diagnoses because of sustained periods of PTSD without treatment. PTSD is highly treatable, yet significantly undiagnosed in people who experience trauma - especially from road crashes and traumatic childbirth as well as domestic violence. You are not alone.
Your illustration of this - in word and graphical representation is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for your encouragement @kristyawagner. It is a tough ride through treatment, I'll say that much :)
The ride is tough but it is worth it. The more insight you get into how your body responds to triggering actions and the more you triggers you identify the more control you will find you have over it. It takes time and lots of self-care even when it seems impossible. You are the best information source about yourself so you are in a prime position to get control over this. You will get there.
Thanks for the pep talk @kristyawagner. I appreciate the time you've taken to write this.