Toward the end when you said:
For years I refused to admit I had this disorder. I thought I didn't deserve to have it; I wasn't a war vet or a front line emergency worker. I didn't see the carnage or know the fear they had experienced. I wasn't brave. I didn't lay my life down for someone.
My first thought was - this sounds like a kind of survivor's guilt. You don't need to see carnage - but there is definitely war -- War with time, gravity, situations, loss, heartbreak. War against our mind and body from internal (biological and/or chemical) and external forces.
My husband's PTSD is not nearly as bad since he's finally begun talking about his triggers and really taking a hard look at the root of them. As for me, I need white noise in the background to get rid of the humming in my head. I also wear earplugs or stick paper napkins in my ears to dub certain sounds. I don't know if it's a placebo effect, but I've been taking St. John's Wort and I do feel calmer too.
That all being said - you honesty and willingness to share a part of your dark place is wonderful. We definitely need more of that and more writing from you! XOXOX
It's hard to know how much to share without sounding whiney.....you know what I mean Vern? My purpose was to "teach" about what PTSD feels like to a person who has it and hopefully try to destigmatize a bunch of the symptoms that are usually dismissed, made fun of as a human weakness and to stop the fancy quote platitudes thrown around - as if pulling up my socks will make things better.
I think writing about it helped me with clarity. Thanks for your X's and O's :)
I know what'cha mean, Ernest. LOL
And I would definitely say your post was informative and nowhere near whiney. I've seen hubby transported to a different time and place while he was standing in front of me. I've also had to duck from some wild swings when he's sleeping/dreaming/"back in the suck".
So if pulling up your socks or painting your toenails makes it better, I say go for it! ps - I found a boogie man trap for ya. ;)
I love the baby footwear.....I gotta get me some of those to dangle over my bed and on my car rear view mirror....then all will be well. How do I know? Ernest said so, that's how.
Also, the only socks I pull up are my Punky Brewster socks....now those are some fancy feel better mood socks, know what I mean?
Ernest as a baby cracked me up......what a great little video...I'll have to save it for when I need a laugh.
Thanks lady!