A Retreat Journey: # 7 Sanctuary and Conversation with Dandelion
21 December, 2018
I spotted several women in their mid forties passing by in front of me looking presentable. It’s still around 7 am. Then, I look into myself and wondering if I am the only lazy woman in this society who doesn’t give a shit about my appearance.I like simplicity and minimalist looks. So as long as I am dressed, everything is secondary. I got called out by my family members in the past due my lacking sense of fashion. I shrugged it off and eventually, they understand. Well, it’s not that I don’t want to put any effort. When I put effort, it’s either all or nothing. There has to be a motive too. I will put effort and be glamorous while attending an event held by the people I like. I will put effort to something I like and something I care about. If I don’t put effort, it means I don’t care about it. And by the way, that applies to everything in life.
6:44 pm
Sanctuary. I don’t know why that is the first word comes to mind this evening. Perhaps, it’s because that word explains, I am looking for that. I vow this year and the next year, I will not seek sanctuary in the pub downtown, on the street or airports. I don’t think there is a place where I can run from my own mind, my head because it’s attached to me. I and we(my mind, my soul and my brain) live inside my physical state- my body.
I don’t think isolation fits me. I don’t think hermit lifestyle fits me. Why should I punish myself for something that isn’t under my own control?
Am I not too young to be so pessimistic about life? Isn’t this supposed to be my prime age of exploring the world?I think there is so much I have yet to explore.
I am still reading the book by Ronald Aronson, living without god,I am compelled with the idea that once we take responsibility and be accountable for our action, it can be a burden. We have none to blame but ourselves. We should not blame anything to higher beings or whatever is there. I might be wrong but upon closer observation towards people around me, they have tendency to blame higher beings for their problems. They are so careless in life that they think, one day, if they do something bad, they will be forgiven. To me, that concept is strange. Should that be justification to be reckless? To surrender ourselves completely to fate or destiny? Don’t you think our micro options is what make us the person we’re today? if we are fat and suddenly being thinner, are we destined to be that way? No, rather our micro actions and options help us to do so.
I spent the day thinking and observing my choices, especially my past choices. Well, I have to admit that living without internet is getting more impossible. From checking balance to calling family(these are cost effective using the internet). I thought during this journey, I’ll be able to make friends with trees or the dandelion I’ve been observing for the past three days.
Well, they are a good listener but I crave feedbacks. That’s what I realized when I speak to dandelion,
‘ Halo, ich heisse macchi.Bist du neu hier?’
‘ Wie geht es ihnen?’
They were silent. So, I said Biss dan, dandelion.
Notes :
I went back to my room that night and I start having trouble falling asleep. I did another meditation for 30 minutes but it didn’t help. So, I started sleeping way past my sleeping hours.
Stay tuned for the next following days. If you want to read the previous journey, check out the links below:
- A retreat experience, what is it like living without internet connection ?
- A Retreat Journey : #1 The Why
- A Retreat Journey: #2 The difference between Seek and Find
- A Retreat Journey: #3 On Nature, Independent,and Interdependence
- A Retreat Journey: #4 Cheat day
- A Retreat Journey: #5 Share your favorite things !
- A Retreat Journey: # 6 Voluntarily Exchange and Confession
Signed, M