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Why?

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17 December, 2018

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Last night, After reading another chapter of Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, I felt sense of pain, sorrow,and discontent which made my stomach twisted and turned. I shared the struggled of the protagonist, Siddharta who seek inner peace and enlightenment. For a moment, it felt like I was reading my own life except I was the modern version of that.

These were some of the excerpts which moved me :

“ He had begun to suspect that his worthy father and his other teachers, the wise Brahmins, had already passed on to him the bulk and best of their wisdom, that they had already poured the sum total of their knowledge into his waiting vessel; and the vessel was not full, his intellect was not satisfied, his soul was not a peace, his heart was not still. The ablutions were good, but they were water; they did not wash sins away, they did not relieve the distressed heart.”

“ But even he who knew so much, did he live in bliss, was he at peace? Was he not also a seeker, insatiable?”

“ Siddharta was deeply horrified. So that was what he had come to; he was so lost,so confused, so devoid of all reason, that he had sough to death. This wish, this childish wish had grown so strong within him: to find peace by destroying his body. All the torment of those recent times, all the disillusionment, all the despair, had not affected him so much as it did the moment the OM reached his consciousness and he recognized his wretchedness and his crime.” - Siddharta by Herman Hesse.

I have read the book couple times but it never affected me in any way until I re-read that again after finishing one of my final assignment. Siddharta journey from being a curious young boy, led him to live with the samana who spend their life in the jungle without any possession, then it led him to be a successful merchant and learned the art of love with a woman named Kamana, then he felt discontent and lead him to the final path of living in moderation.

Today, I finished it and I made a decision. I will practice the ascetics teachings. I want to break from being a slave to my device and impulses. I want to teach myself self-control, humility and discipline. Those are my goals but I am sure we will find other interesting findings along the journey.

There are several rules which I need to follow as listed below :
Waking up at 6 am, make the bed and clean the surrounding
Meditate for 20 minutes after getting up
No phone is allowed, no internet checking
Go outside and enjoy nature
Read books
Journal and write 5 sentences
Write 5 sentences in a foreign language (I was picking German)
Go to bed by 10pm
Minimal consumption of lights.

Those were things I wrote in my journal prior starting my little experiment. I was still on final so I decided to postpone until the following day. On another note, The book (Siddharta by Herman Hesse)is listed under “ the book that changed me” and I recommend you to check it to have a little peek of eastern philosophy despite written by a German author.

I was hesitated for a while, scared even. I found this meditational practice called Vipassana and Vipassana retreat. But those weren’t something I was ready for. I also don’t think I can do it completely alone, without guidance. But maybe in the future, I am open to try this retreat.

Stay tuned for the following days. If you want to ask me anything, give a feedback, feel free to leave a comment.

Signed, M.

PS : Yes, I am back :-)