A Retreat Journey: #3 On Nature, Independent,and Interdependence

macchiata (70)in #blog • 6 years ago

19 December, 2018

11.59 am

As from the previous rules I made, this morning I read it back and thought some were too rigid. I started to question, ‘ was I really addicted to my phone’ or ‘ the social media that was on my phone?’ Perhaps both. For a while it hindered my productivity and was the reason of my anxiety. The daily constant novel information, the natural disasters, the riots, the political turmoil- I can’t change any of those, yet. I admit, I was once wanted to change the world.But, overtime I realize, change starts within us. So, as today, I am actively pursuing self-improvement. I constantly forgive myself for all the ‘lulz’ I did in the past. It still haunted me till today but as I forgive myself, those no longer haunt my dream or myself when I suddenly awake at 3 am.

This morning, I walked to the lake which actually belonged to my university complex. I never explore that area with the kind of curiosity I had this morning. I always pass by just through the outer part and never really explored until the end of the complex. I was walking with my landlord’s daughter, who was more than willing to accompany me and be my guide. W explored the ruins which seemed to function as an archery site. Then, we walked on the lake sidewalk and spotted some goose.

The lake was surrounded by some ruins, green houses, tiny garden, a hill, a small river, some statues, miniature of Indonesian traditional houses, some lamps, flowers, orchid green house and bridges After circling around the lake, we climbed the hill. It was not a steep climb but I have never seen my university and the surrounding through that hill. I looked up to the clear blue sky and spotted a plane flying above me, I looked to my right to the small jungles and old trees which almost made it look like a small jungle, then I looked to my left; typical busy and crowded street. It was captivating. I think captivating was too simple to describe my contentedness. Then, my landlod’s daughter, Rafa asked me a thought-provoking question. She looked at me and inquired ‘ Do you think all of this is natural?’ while pointing her finger and moving it through the track we started until above the hill.

‘ I don’t think so’ I told her. But then, no trying to ruin the moment and be grateful, I added ‘ this is the closest natural thing we can find around here’

Let’s rewind a little bit.

When we walked circling the lake, I was disgusted with the rubbish laying around the complex. It was a wet morning and I was unprepared to walk around wet leaves, plastics and cigars. In short, I was just wearing a flip flops. The track was narrow so I had to walk in front of her and she walked after me. As we walked, I asked her ‘ what do you think can be improved here?’

‘ none’ she said briefly.

I was little surprised and further asked her ‘ why?’

‘ I think all of these falling leaves and branches covering this track create an illusion that we’re on a jungle, having an adventure. Don’t you think?’

‘ I think so’ I hesitated. I was thinking that the place could be cleaned and modernized. I think the lake can be cleaned and maintained. ‘ Why do I want it to be modernized anyway?’ I asked myself again while we both walked in silence continuing our little adventure.

It was ironical. I crave to be in touch with nature yet when I saw the seemingly ‘ real’ depiction of nature, I want to change it, to polish it.

Then, halfway, I spotted a mother and two of her children. They seemed to have a little picnic as I assumed from the food container which the mom carried. As I walked closer to them, the little girl who was wearing abaya and head covering was running from her brother who chased her. She looked happy and free. As I walked closer, I smiled while passing through them. I miss being like them, carefree and happy. The road was getting busier as vehicles started to crowd the street. It was around 7 am when we decided to go back to home.

As I reached my room, I made my coffee. Then, I went to sit in the terrace to finish a novel I was reading, ‘ the peculiar kid’. Then, I went back to my room and tried to entertain myself with videos I collected earlier from Tim Ferris. I think I like him despite he might just be like any other self-help guru out there. His life journey is inspiring because he graduated from East-Asian studies but pursued a career in Tech. So that’s something I can relate and can become a motivation that anything is possible. I watched a few videos until I decided to close my laptop.

Then I decided to meditate. It was still around 9:30 when I sit in a meditative posture. It was the first time, that I think meditation was working. For the first few minutes, I let myself and mind do whatever it wished for. It was telling me ‘ face your fears, aren’t you ashamed of yourself, shouldn’t you be looking out for your dad?’ these were things came out. Then as I sat still and let those thoughts flowing in my mind, I began to see purple lights. It was looping, circling and took me further in. I had no idea why was I scared. It was something foreign and I was afraid that it would take me to a place which I was unprepared for. It flashed until sometime and my breath was inconsistent. I felt like I was running from something while I was just in my meditative posture. The purple light began to flashed so rapidly and I couldn’t hold it back. In the end, I opened my eyes.

I was afraid of things I was seeing. So I rushed to the terrace and writing this journal to calm myself. Then, I was looking at the blooming dandelion. It was beautiful.

Around 5:49 pm

I am not sure. I don’t know the exact time. I am relying on my intuition to judge about the time based on the sky color. I think it’s remarkable how nature works. You and I these days, rely on artificial lights to help us with our activities. Sometimes, even when it’s dark and we are supposed to be sleeping, we’re still working. I looked back to agricultural society in the past, the people work in the morning and gather with their family in the evening. They seem to be still efficient, despite only working form the dusk till the twilight tells them, ‘ it’s time to go home.’ These days, many of us work in front of our devices while actually doing something else. I call this fake busy. Often we say ‘ I am working’ but actually we’re not doing what we supposed to be doing. Anyway, I’ll not go further. I will focus with now.

I am hearing the muslim prayer calling, the crisp sound of water fountain in the fish pond, a chatter in the distance, an old rusty motorbike, motors, motors again- this seem to dominate the sound today. Actually almost everyday because my neighborhood can be quite busy except when there’s break in universities.

This afternoon after meditating, I picked a book from Ronald Aronson, Living Without God. I know, the title can be intimidating but actually, the content is thought provoking and applicable to even believers. I think it really is, we need our common sense, to love the nature and to be less selfish.

These are the current excerpts which I found to be intriguing and worth to share :

“ We, human beings are one of nature’s end products. And that we have evolved, through natural selection,in relation to the rest of nature and with the brain capacity and disposition to understand and transform it. Nature maybe indifferent to us. But our survival by depending on it and understanding and consuming it, indicates that evolution contains profound meaning-human life.”

“ Our daily survival and functioning depend on dozens, hundreds of links.”

“ In our survival and every activity we are utterly dependent on people, relationships,and structures across the world and these can be mapped.”

I used to think being independent means being a lone wolf. Eventually, I learned even I need micro organism in my body to function and services provided by others. If you find yourself saying ‘ I don’t need anyone or anything’ you might want to think about that again. So, I learned interdependence. It was something I wrote in my previous essay too, interdependence. We can be independent human being but it only completes when you acknowledge, you still need others and even micro organism to function.

Notes :

This was the complete day since I started my retreat. I wrote the journal from the terrace at my place whilst also reading books and teaching myself German. I think it was relatively easy because I was still excited to do it.

On another note, I was slowly reducing my food intake. I started to eat just once a day, just enough to fill my cravings of food. Then from the following day and on, I started to eat less and less until abstaining from food. I will also talk about cheat days which I actually did due cravings of things.

Stay tuned for the next following days. If you want to read the previous journey, check out the links below:

Signed, M.

#spirituality #philosophy #experience #journey