How Different Are You?
Hey Steemians,
Today is one of those days I suppose. A day where I question my own worth to society. A day where I question my worth to Steemit. A day where I question my worth to those of you who may be reading this. I often seek to improve myself. I always feel as though I do not measure up, or that what I do, no matter what it is, is never good enough.
I'm not exactly sure why I carry the burden of this corrosive thought pattern, but I internalize everything, and really, what my role plays in others input towards me, or lack thereof. If the input is good, I question if I really deserve it or not. If the input is bad, I wonder what I did wrong, and what I can do to possibly improve a lacking aspect of myself. If I get no input at all, I feel as though I just fucking suck at life..
I am constantly questioning my worth. Am I alone? Or can anyone relate? Should I feel guilty for deciding to just rant on about it on Steemit, considering it's probably about one of the most worthless, valueless posts that I will ever put on the blockchain, or should I care? Because really, what does it matter? Whether I get an upvote, or a comment, or a fuck you, it really doesn't matter. The truth is, I will never stop being critical of my own existence. It's just what I do, it's who I am, and it's probably what has held me back in so many aspects of life.
So fuck it. I don't give two flying shits what anyone thinks. Here I am just saying it. Because at the end of the day, my hard work amounts to me getting maybe 20 views a post, and if I want to get paid, I end up boosting my posts up with useless bots to gain visibility. Well fuck that too...I am not going to bother. Because its terrible for the Steemit economy anyway, and it doesn't make a bit of difference. It's quite obvious that my writing is shit. To me, this is whats perceived. So tack, wittiness, creativeness. Fuck it all. I'll just uselessly ramble because that is how I feel right now. Brutal honesty. I feel, most of the time that I have a fucking ghost following. I can count on one hand the amount of people who will likely comment on this, despite the countless Steemians I interact with and support on Steemit.
So what am I ? Chopped fucking liver??? That's how I feel. Not because of people on Steemit...This is how I have felt my entire life, and my most in depth, researched, and edited posts get the least amount of attention. So is that a problem with steemit, or a problem with me? Probably me. So the hell with it...Ill just write whatever comes to my head, not even bother fucking editing it anymore, and just watch complete lack of reciprocation. Do you care? I don't fucking care anymore...What a joke.
So lets look further into futuremind's lunacy.
According to the Briggs/Myers personality test, which I have taken a multitude of times, with the same results year after year, I am an INFJ-T.
What is it? go fucking look it up, because I will not bother wasting my time for an underpaid post, I add no value to Steemit right?
Here are my analytical breakdowns according to my most recent test.
Personality type: “The Advocate” (INFJ-T)
Individual traits: Introverted – 93%, Intuitive – 78%, Feeling – 61%, Judging – 63%, Turbulent – 78%
Role: Diplomat
Strategy: Constant Improvement
This is the rarest of personality types, making up less than one percent of the population, and probably, the most internally conflicted
Now I'll go think about how much I suck, and uselessly comment on people's posts who will either not even bother answering back, or if they do, probably never even take a gander over to my page.
What a narcissistic world we seem to live in....
BTW, I will still continue to support my small circle of Steemit friends, because I love you guys and girls. You add meaning to my life , and help me stay sober everyday. Whether or not I get paid doing what I love to do doesn't matter. I should be more grateful, because at the end of the day, I do better than many people on here, but I still feel undervalued and underappreciated. If I offended anyone, or made anyone feel like I'm a crybaby.. Well, I don't really care...
Much love,
There's tremendous self-expression here @futuremind, delivered with humour (even if it's a little dark at times :) - you've done the fuckit-don't-care thing and rocked this baby up and, it's a pretty damn good post too! You know, just before reading this, I came across a comment of yours which, to me, totally demonstrates worth .....it's the one you made to a depressed and dejected @moderndayjester, where you demonstrated to him in a very kind and encouraging manner, that not only was he doing better than he thought, but that he has the support he never thought he had! You gently pointed out the drama he was caught up in and IMO, you clearly offered him a the possibility of a positive perspective on his situation.
Easier to do it for another than for self eh? :D
It seems like the devil lurks behind comparisons. If we are each unique expressions, what is the function of comparison except to mislead? I don't see any basis for comparison that is not a superficial falsity (looks, wealth, followers, relative 'success' and blah blah blah).
Statements like It's quite obvious that my writing is shit are negative fantasies. You are just setting up yourself for an imaginary fall - it's inevitable, so let's get the worst case scenario on the table so it's outa the way .....kinda thing? ... what are you basing this pre-judgement on except for fantasies and negative feelings? You see this I'm sure and how it just closes off your options..........it also looks like an example of an auto-self-put-down - a result of years of reinforced conditioning!
The above expression about shit writing - as written - is at a refined state, it has been given form through outward expression. You can catch (or trace) the thought/auto response at an earlier stage before any reaction or outward expression. Question is: is there any positive value to expressing negativity? ... if there is a choice, why give any expression to the negativity whatsoever (inside or out). All the little statements you (possibly/probably?) add to your sentences to put yourself down - do you see them? Do you need them? What are they doing other than adding to the sense of overall heaviness? Will it make a difference if you slowly start cutting them out - just dropping them from your personal self-talk!!!!!! Sure one may feel it rising, but we don't have to be enslaved - there is a point at which one has a choice. Can you spot this when it is live? The choice may be to engage or not to engage with this little bud of a thought/feeling - to not feed it. I saw you had mentioned being bi-polar. I think it may be possible that mindful awareness - especially at times when you feel (spot the signs of) the dip coming on, can mitigate, even turn, the tide!
Just my thoughts in response to your sincere and very expressive post!
Total respect my friend, I'm now following you and it's not coz you are 'moaning' about nobody giving a shit - you are straight-up, and I really like that :D
🚣
Just do what you love - don't think about anything else. And don't think about being undervalued and underappreciated. Less expectation is always the best happiness.
Thank you @sanmi
I think you have an idea of what gives me passion. You pay close attention. And I believe that you possess an innate sense of "knowing", and a great deal of balance and wisdom. I always appreciate your feedback my friend. Thanks for being there for one of futuremind's more unbalanced moments.
Much love.
@futuremind
You know I had old feelings like this until one day one of my friends told me this "Everyone in the world has feelings, for some reason you don't seem to understand that". I'm saying this cause you remind me of how I use to think. It's nothing bad but give that quote some thought, analyze it. It's something that can't be told you just need to figure it out. Either way, I like your deep mind, you don't seem like the type who likes to have small talks. I think that is the reason why I followed you in the first place one post way back when must have caught my attention.
@jason7282
I certainly am not the small talk type! That is another aspect I struggle with, is so many's short windedness, and unwillingness to engage in lengthy conversation. I feel slighted many times throughout the day, when other's demand my attention, then cut it short. I often feel as though it takes away from (what I perceive) as not having enough hours in the day to complete, and organize my thoughts. So I start to get frustrated.
I like this quote. It's very direct, real, and to the point. I will ponder it a bit, and try to be mindful of the implications it suggests, because after all, it is true..
Thank you for taking the time to read, and comment. That means alot to me bro, I'll take a look at your blog, because I am not sure when the last time was that I actually did, but I do recognize your name, which tells me I have looked before. I always examine individuals I have interactions with.
Much love,
@futuremind
I appreciate it, and the fact that you actually wrote great feedback shows your character. It grinds my gears when I write a comment like that and all I get is "Interesting". I look forward to reading more of your blogs!
That shit grinds my gears too bro! for sure.
That just made me think of family guy in the episode where Peter is like:
Lol, have you seen it? Definitely one of the funniest damn cartoons in my opinion!
I actually read that in his voice !
hahaha nice.
Haha, your far from alone! I get it, and time and perspective change everything. From your last paragraph I think you are on the right track, but then again what do I know? Hang in there, you will eventually have something to be proud of, if that is even what you want. I was always told attitude is everything, and while platitudes are not always true, I would suggest quit thinking you suck, and work on something. But really your writing, as far as this post I thought was funny. Haha!
Indeed, it is, and I probably do have some things to be proud of. I just have an overly critical view of myself sometimes, and feel I fall short on many aspects. I do recognize it as a corrosive way to think.
Attitude is everything, it really plays a massive role in dictating your personal emotions. I will try to have a more positive outlook.
I really didn't expect to get any reception on this rant. In fact, I even thought perhaps, it may be derogatory to the messages I try to portray to others on Steemit, and is even contradictory in many aspects to them, but I am not the sugar coating type, and I believe realness is a more respectable trait. So, I don't think this is the first time I've had a rant on here, and it probably won't be the last.
Ps. I am happy you derived a bit of humor out of my jests in this post. I was hoping maybe someone would. I am feeling better already! Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read and comment.
Much love,
@futuremind
For sure, I thought there was a chance it might piss you off more, but thought I'd be "real". I think your as normal as they come, life is mountains and valleys. Its late here future, you have a good night.
You too man. Thanks for stopping by. Good night.
I understand your frustration, and maybe we are all focused too much on results, here on this world / platform.
Perhaps we should really engage in the things we love, and not look at what is being said about our "inner art". But let go of old pain, negative criticism, sometimes I think, what am I trying to do here ... attention for my posts? Or is there really a future to earn money with steemit?
My friend @sanmi put it in terms that I understand to be realistic. If we lower our expectations, it lowers the margin for disappointment. And I will follow my passion, which is music. I will continue to write, and blog, but as far as expectation is concerned, I will do it just for me, and if I get interaction, I will consider that an added bonus.
I think that's a healthy attitude :)
Thank you! I'm bi polar so it will probably change by tomorrow hahaha
keeps life interesting :)
I know right! Thats probably why I gained followers so quickly. They were like:
haha