Burning Bridges
Will I ever look back with regret?
Yesterday I shared my goal to break ties with someone who has been actively and passively hurting me for quite some time. I did what I said, communicated a strong no. I informed the other party there was an end and we had reached it.
I'll walk the rest of the path on my own.
The response was twofold.
First came the gaslighting with the intention of shaming. I was informed my experience wasn't that bad and that I was causing them pain and trauma by blaming them for their actions. They tore me down and attempted to cut me off. However, I took the upper ground by owning my own part in how things went badly and agreed not to contact them anymore. I would MUCH prefer zero contact.
Unfortunately that is impossible. The internet is a tangled ball of yarn.
So they responded with another classic technique, straight out of the playbook: manipulative kindness. Faking sincerity in order to cultivate trust that can later be exploited. To this, I did not respond. And I will not respond, no matter how many messages, pleas, judgments or attacks. I refuse to out of respect for myself and their request.
I feel really bad.
Not guilty. Not sad. Not ashamed. I know the shoes will keep dropping and am 1000% confident this is the right action for my personal safety. I am anxious and exhausted. It is hard to hold onto something you don't want. Today I see it can be even harder letting go. Why? Because in letting go I am also releasing my control.
Sometimes a release of control decreases vulnerability. I no longer feel like this is breaking me. I feel confident and capable and like I may feel safe again, possibly even soon! And I'm very happy to be able to process this with writing and feedback instead of in the vacuum abusers prefer.
This will not be me any longer.
Still, I am empty and tired. The truth is I would rather have had a friend and stayed in a trusting, loving relationship than end a relationship and lose a friend. But I was not the one who chose to do the hurting. While I still do not feel safe, what I do feel is proud of myself for creating and expressing a strong boundary.
I had a "best" friend of over twenty years before. I dumped him a few years ago.
I didn't even bother having a proper fallout with him. I just blocked his number and his social media profiles.
That may sound bitchy on my end, but I've had it. Enough was enough.
It's a triumph to me because I stick to my values. Without going into detail, he has basically crossed the line several times before. I just have to remind myself that this is not somebody I'd consider as a friend. I stand by it very firmly and nothing and no one will ever sway my decision.
Yep. That's it. Just sticking to what I believe in.
This is both sad and inspiring. It is excellent that you made the best choice for yourself. It's sad that things can turn even after so long.
I also went through something similar recently. A relationship that was not going anywhere, and it was not doing any good for neither of us. I just love how you said this "It is hard to hold onto something you don't want". It is tiring to let go, and it needs a bit of time to heal. The body needs to recover from all those intense negative emotions. Just know that by letting go of something or someone you do not want, you make room for what or who you really want to come forth. You just had to release that mental space first. Congrats on having the power to say NO.
Thank you! I am very happy I did, although today I am a nervy mess.
Setting boundaries has been the hardest, yet most rewarding, thing I have ever done. Relationships are so hard and complicated sometimes. Good luck as you continue to learn and grow and thanks for sharing what you've learned. :)
Thank you!
My perspective on the question; I still have trouble figuring out if it was necessary. I don't think so. They were just a hurt person to begin with. Worse thing he did was not be there when I needed someone. Not call when he said. Or provoke me when he felt unworthy.
"It's complicated"
I couldn't help my anger. And my fear at his mental state. The bizarre nature of this relation, and the inherent subjectivity, complexity immolates me from within. When I thought it was behind me.
Triumphed? Not yet. But I'm using it as inspiration for fiction. The emotions it permits me to convey, and the story it allows me to tell, will be the triumph.
As now I find that, a year later, I've been in denial to myself; told myself I was over it. It's probably healthier to address. There was a really negtive effect on my persona the loss of this relationship had. I fear the same for my counterpart. I don't know if they are dead or alive. Death is a likelihood for a person such as them.
I had never known someone so intimately, and it was the same for him. That is an honor of it's own. Sometimes I think I took it for granted. Other times I think I dodged a bullet. Confused, still I am, Strong passions, never handle themselves well. Now I know I need an outlet.
Thanks for this post. I like your openness and I like that it prompts me to respond in kind.
Wow. I feel this to my core! Thank you for sharing. I think this will be lasting for me for sure, but I hope the easier feelings begin soon. Right now I feel sicker than when I had some modicum of control, but that is for reasons I think I need to write out in a broader post.
Share away.
I felt hesistant after writing something personal like that...but I realized the only people who will remember it, in a significant way, are the ones who relate. And thats a good thing. When somethings a bit personal it can feel like its the only thing thats got bright lights on it in the darkness, like a convict escaping in a prison movies. lol not the case.
I sometimes still miss them and wonder what could have been. I was also the one who did the hurting, and in the scenario where I walked away I was the one who lost everything, whilst he only lost me. He was all I had. But a few years on I do not regret my choice, as I am stronger and have learnt to love my memories! I also met some of my now best friends because of it - so my biggest lesson is that soulmates don't only come as partners! :)
That's a hard lesson. <3
@perspective
I broke up with a few female friends. One , my male friend and I called a "yada" because that's one who blabs and talk about other people who I never even met and that fish was caught by her mouth - saying she's tattled about me to others, too. Someone who won't get to sleep and call you in skype or on the phone just to dish, one who uses whats app just to gossip. I hate small talk so I didn't even say goodbye I just stopped every communication there is - even in social media. I would never use viber nor whats app ever again for that very same reason. And no, it's not a loss. It's one huge freedom not to have those apps on my phone.
They would try to irritate you, try to manipulate you by making a friend who is also their friend tell you they're not okay or they've done this and that. I just told that friend - straightforwardly, "I am not interested in that person anymore so don't tell me anything about her as I don't need to know. " That other friend and I are still hanging out and she hasn't talk about that other person since then.
The other one sucked my energy dry, so manipulative and cunning I had to pull the rug from under her. At first, she was very supportive, nice, generous, quiet so I liked it since I hate small talks. As the years fly by, I started seeing that the person is trying to manipulate me already, making excuses about when to go out and where to go - just to get what she wants. To the point of lying about this and that - just to get away with what she wants. It's tiring - all the drama and the "playing me" act. I stopped talking to that person when she started asking me about my schedules on certain things. I felt stalked, spied on not to mention "mothered" and pressured to "hurry do something". The worst part is - when we get together she spilled her own beans saying she delights in irritating one of her other friend's who I don't know and that she does that on purpose sometimes just to get back at that person because she didn't get her whim. How is that healthy?
The mothering came along the way because that seniority complex still exists in my country and it seems that some of our people took it with them here in the West. I already had a great mom and honestly, she was toying with the wrong emotions. I gave the person a cold shoulder and that person has voluntarily backed off.
Am I guilty? NO, never! Not because I'm an insensitive bitch but because I've been brought up with this - "The greatest love of all is to love yourself first."
My Mom always told me that and my grandpa, too. It is only when you love yourself truly that you can then love others . If you can't love yourself - how are you going to extend love to other people?" I was hesitating to call it a "triumph" but then it is indeed because breaking up is never easy to do - it leaves a scar and some hard learned lessons. It would pull out the most courage in a person to even do it but the best price you could get from doing it - is freedom from the shackles of toxic friends.
Oh my gosh ALL OF THIS. Yes. I feel freed to some extent but the ways they are trying to hold onto me and control me. Ugh. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing this because it is very helpful. I actually told them I have to work on myself and that's why I can't keep up the effort of maintaining our relationship.
@perspective Thanks.
Yes, toxic people tend to not understand nor see "burned bridges", they would try to find their way back into you. You must be that important to them ha ha ;) What a loss on their side.
That really sounds tough. I read both Mending Fences and Burning Bridges, and those are two very different things, Perspective. Is mending fences just kind of referring to your own fence, or does that indicate there may be a different kind of mended relationship that's possible with this person? Your essays sounded final (like really burning the bridge). I'm thinking about your thoughtful question ("In what ways..."), and it's really making me think! haha thanks? so hope yr as well as you can be, thanks for writing. :) (not meaning to be too nosy, I've had a few long-term relationships "dwindle" lately, and u got me thinkin' haha)
Yes, the fences were my own. The bridges have to be burned because I am otherwise not safe. I had to go and look through your history to answer because for a moment I wondered . . . I am so scared all the time. I can't stay in this mindset and find any type of happiness, and trust can't be rebuilt. Whatever their reasons for their behavior, it happened/happens still and that is plenty of reason not to trust.
Got it. Hope you are having a good day.. it's hard to start from scratch. can be done, just sucks!
Hi @perspective, I'm just stopping back to let you know you were one of my favourite reads yesterday and I included you in my Steemit Ramble. You can read what I wrote about you here.
I triumphed by having zero contact. That meant blocking all social media account, blocking their number, throwing out all things from that relationship (photos, cards, clothes) etc. that were connected with that person. If necessary, changing locks or moving is also a good idea. The best way to get rid of someone is to completely cut them out of your reality. Then the healing process can truly begin. And in a few years, when you are stronger and happier, some of those walls may come down and you may re-connect on a friend basis. But if he was abusive, probably not. As they say, out of sight, out of mind.
You can still walk away understanding the lesson and using what you went through in a positive way.
It wasn't clear to me what had happened to you but if it was something that was physically (or mentally) abusive, then you had to end it if you are to value yourself. Habit is so powerful that it makes us do things that we don't really want to do. We underestimate it. It sounds like you've done the right thing. If it didn't feel strange right now, then you haven't invested any feeling into the relationship. But the power of the 'habit' will dissipate soon. There is a lag between the action we take, and the habit's withdrawal symptoms. Good luck. :-)