fear and dreaming
I woke up this morning certain that aliens had invaded my brain. My head felt swollen and sore, a sure sign I'd slept incorrectly. I suffer from degenerative disc syndrome, which means my neck is constantly crooked and fatigued. Place on top of that a bad concussion I recieved two years ago when I fell flat on my back when I slipped on black ice.
I can't remember all of my dream last night, but I think that I dreamt of my grandmother. She was born in Harrington Harbour, Quebec, a remote fishing village in Canada, and came to the United States when she was 19. She lived to the age of 94, as did her mother before her. Except that unlike her mother, Nana had Alzheimers for the last twenty some odd years of her life.
My mom took care of her that whole time, in our home. I remember her sitting in the living room when I was younger, asking me who I was, or yelling at me furiously for some supposed infraction, like stealing her spoon. She would often babble incoherently in made up languages. Eventually she stopped talking. Instead she stared blankly into space, rarely present in the moment - as if she was wide awake but dreaming.
Alzheimers is a degenerative brain disorder. It affects one's memory, but also affects emotional balance, concepts of time and planning ability. Opinions vary on how much genetics has to do with the risk of developing it. Head and spinal injuries are a big factor.
I guess I'm hyper aware of the possibility ever since my concussion. Like any rational human being, I fear losing my mind, of being unable to care for myself ten or twenty years into the future. Whether that fear clouds my emotions, or the instability of my emotions clouds my perceptions, I'm not sure.
The fear is very real however, and I struggle to control it at times, like this morning when I awoke. I know that it's probably not grounded in reality, and if I had any money or common sense, I'd go to a local clinic to get myself diagnosed. It's a strong possibility I will. I often think I'm grasping at reasons to explain why my attention span is so vapid lately, why I struggle to create a simple post, why my emotions are always so raw. It could be as simple as lack of exercise, or battling depression.
I read through a couple of early onset Alzheimers sites this morning to see which signs I might have. Then I realized that I was probably not the best judge of me. I feel so out of balance lately. Everytime I glance at my steemit wallet, it seems to have increased another $20 - it's like a strange dream that I'm going to wake up from, and be depressed as I emerge into the reality of needing to find "a real job".
I seem to alienate people at the drop of a hat with my anger, and they are shellshocked, because I know they take my goodwill for granted. People tend to tell me things like "just network more, put out more content", never realizing how much I struggle to do what they take for granted. I no longer know what is my dream self and what is reality.
The one thing I read that stands out is to stop worrying. Eat right and get exercise. The other is to challenge your brain. This I don't worry about. I'm challenged here every day on Steem, to learn facts, to get along with people without having a meltdown. I feel like I fail there a lot. I love it here, it's my home, but I fear being left behind because I can't keep up.
I know I need to deal with this deluge of fear and anxiety that seems to have attacked me in the last few weeks. I'm not sure I know how, but the one thing I do know is that I need to face it, and be open about it, even though I cringe at exposing myself so openly. To those of you that know me, and care about me, please be patient. I'm struggling.
Going out for a walk.
above photos by torico
My friend it is interesting that you should write this post today. I am writing a post as we speak about why I find myself crying in front of my keyboard regularly while "steem"ing and why I find myself so much more emotionally open and raw than I used to be. I am going to have to add your post to the examples I am providing in my post - I teared up reading this.
I have come to a different conclusion than you perhaps about my emotional rawness and vulnerability of late and I do not want to turn this comment into the lengthy affair that my post is in fact going to be, so I will just direct your attention there when I post it.
I have said this to you before when we discussed the relative "merits" of authors' various rewards here. I believe it is a mistake to look at Steem as a work economy - you will always find examples where "work" was put in but "wage" was not received. Steem is (or should be - not convinced the vote sellers have not actually put the lie to this) a gift economy. The reason people keep saying network, etc., is because the ultimate measure of success here is in how much you can help other people. And the ones who ultimately succeed are the ones who help others the most, and that is always rewarded in the end (assuming the person does not give up on the platform in the meantime). I am starting to reap the rewards of always acting in a selfless and giving manner on this platform - that is of course not why I have conducted my affairs here on this platform in this manner, but I can tell you that staying the course you are on is the thing to do.
You rock. You are a great curator. You are a great supporter of sustainability. You are a great presence in chat communities. You are a great poster. As hard as it may be - try to focus on these positive things and let the worry and anxiety go. Easier said than done I know. Maybe draw a little on the love and support I can lend you and your other friends here can lend you. I know without a shadow of a doubt that your present path is leading to bigger things for you here on platform - don't get off the train!!!
Love - Carl
I loved your description of how the Steem economy should/does work. It really articulates it so perfectly. I try to keep that in mind, that even if a post doesn’t make much money at all, it will add value to others’ lives. It’s hard sometimes not to get caught up in the money, but I think it all works out as long as we create this community of sharing.
Exactly and well said. Love you brother - Carl
I hear you. I think a tough part of being here is knowing that I have been giving, perhaps too much. Yet for all I give I feel like people keep on asking more, expecting more, comparing me to others who have given so much more without thought of self. Then I see someone doing the same thing as I am, but doing it so much better, and I wonder how much do I actually help?
There are days where my boundaries disappear and I feel like people don't even know I exist, feel like I am fading into obscurity - some kindly bot tool that people rarely consider because it's no longer of use in their rise to the top.
I am told to be patient and kind and diligent while I wonder how much longer I can afford to pay rent. I see other people like me, the introverts, working behind the scenes, here every day, who don't earn a half of what they need to survive. I hear people who talk about community, how to make things better by paying to bring in hotshot success stories from the outside, while they overlook the very people who keep things running on the inside. It frustrates the hell out of me.
Thank you so much for your words of support. sometimes this is really all i need to keep going - knowing that someone cares and notices what I do. Look forward to listening to what you have written. hugs
Comparing oneself to others can be a dangerous thing. Compare yourself to yourself. Ask yourself if you are doing what you can do, if you are being a good @torico, if given your physical and emotional and mental and financial state you are doing everything you can, and if the answer is yes quit beating yourself up :) Honestly from the outside looking in, you are doing great. I know you don't feel that way yourself, because you have said that here in this post and elsewhere. I am telling you my perspective - from my vantage point, @torico is awesome and is already doing some serious good here. I very much respect your curation abilities and your eye for talent and quality. I love the area you are choosing to focus on and I love your original posting. I know maybe I haven't personally been as supportive of your posting as I could have been, and I could say the same about many of my friends who I have kind of neglected while focusing on curation and looking for new authors. But I want you to know that I am 100% there for you. I appreciate your friendship.
Love - Carl
this is a bad habit of mine, both comparing and beating myself up. oh and judging. i'm a horribly mean person to myself.
" I hear people who talk about community, how to make things better by paying to bring in hotshot success stories from the outside, while they overlook the very people who keep things running on the inside."
This! So much this!
"sometimes this is really all i need to keep going -
knowing that someone cares and notices what I do"
You are not alone, not unnoticed, @torico!
Thank you for posting this - your words are very timely for me.
thanks for reading, and i'm happy my words could be of benefit!
AMEN!!!!! I literally had one of my friends who I brought to the platform tell me today that he was about to give up on Steemit because his posts weren't making anything. But then somehow the Universe came through and that same day his latest post got curied and is now making almost $100!!! :O And now I have to convince him that networking is key...
the problem is that not everyone is good at networking. i get told to be me, so i do. but i am an eccentric cranky ass emotional mess. so what they really mean is, be yourself with party manners and sunshine. its not a natural thing to push ourselves into. i network in my own quiet way but going onto some whales post and saying anything usually gets me ignored, or blasted if i state an opinion that is unpopular. i hate it. it happened to me a few times so i just stopped commenting on whales because it feels too much like ass kissing for a vote. i want people to like me for me, not what i can do for them, nor for how well i can complement them. i know it seems stubborn but i dont like silly rules that people make just because a person has more crypto. its so old school. i'd much rather give a nice comment to someone who really needs it than someone who never reads it among the 101 other comments. at least im me.
I really can't say it any better than this.
Hi @torico
Are you a finder on curie now ???
I have one question ???
How to be like you ??
I have one post about art, I want it to be posted in curie ..
I'm sure it will work ..
if you can help me to increase my post it ???
hi agmalirsadi. I may be a finder soon, but I am not yet officially there. my advice is to not be like me. be like YOU! write what is in your heart, what you know. read other people's posts and leave them a comment about their work. if you need help writing, ask for help in the PAL writing channel. I will look at your post and give you my suggestions. if it's good I will try to help with an upvote.
Thank you for sharing this with me, @torico. I can't say I understand fully where you're coming from, as I have never had to deal with people going through alzheimer's before...so all I can do is offer my ears/eyes when you need someone to vent to or unload on. It seems to be what I'm good at, anyway, lol. I hope you know that you are not alone in this struggle, you have a wonderful family of friends in MSP who care about you and want to see you experience true success on this platform, myself included! :)
thanks for reading, and taking the time to reply :) i appreciate that. and I appreciate you.
Of course!! I appreciate you too!!! <3
You’ve been a great help to me on this platform. You are doing great work here helping the little minnows through the scary and baffling waters of Steem! Emotions and focus sway and move with the seasons, as the solstice gets closer my nerves, anxiety, and my inability to focus sky rocket. Sometimes we just need hunker down and get through. I as well need to get back into a better physical routine, working at a desk most of the day really weakens your body and stresses your spine. I wish you the best, stay strong my friend.
thank you so much for saying this! I did wonder if it's all something silly like emotional stress from the holidays or mercury retrograde. knowing we are close to the solstice reminds me that i need to ground myself and meditate. very grateful for your kind words.
Hello... I'm just gonna vent out a bit about my problems, sorry if it pollutes your comment feed.. :/
I've lost my grandmother to Alzheimer's and it has been mostly traumatic to my mother who took care of her for the last couple of years. As she "faded" away, only a couple of moments of her lucidity made that connection that seemed to be lost forever.
I often worry that the same fate awaits to my parents, or myself in the end. But I know that nobody can prepare for that, or any other disease.
I guess, those kind of fears are irrational, and even tho people say we shouldn't let them bother us (since they're irrational), unfortunately we're wired in a way that things that are seen can't be unseen.
Lately I was afraid that I was gonna die, and couldn't shake the feeling of danger that "the nature" will kill me. I know, funny... But, even tho' I realized that I couldn't do anything about it - I mean, if I died, I wouldn't know it, and it would be whatever to me - I still felt a great fear because of the fact that it COULD happen. It was mostly paralyzing.
One side-effect that came through that was the fact that I started really feeling (or became more sensitive to) other peoples emotions and "motives" that radiate through our ordinary communications. And one thing that made me paralyzed again was the fact that I felt that everybody else felt it. That was the worst... I guess that's the ego part of me judging everybody else. I just couldn't justify the presence of evil and pain when I knew that people felt each other's insecurities and fears through empathy.
But in the end, I guess that expecting an unrealistic utopian world-peace kind of solution that is based on fuzzy feelings can bring me to a point of frustration.
Anyways, the reason why I wanted to comment on your post is just to let you know that there are other people who are currently (at this moment) struggling with fears, doubts and feeling like drifting into insanity.
But one idea really gives me comfort about insanity. And that's the fact that nothing that we can't imagine can't happen. Really, nothing worse. And even if our worst nightmare came through, we would react much better because we've already seen it :). Even if I lost my mind to Alzheimer, I would feel that I have my mind together, it's just that the surroundings would be different and lost... It's a mind trick, I know, but it just gives me a perspective that everything around me exists through my prism of perception, and I need to keep it clean and focused, otherwise I will surround myself with something I don't want... Don't know, I think it's worth trying, because there is nothing else to do.
Anyways thank you for taking your time and writing this post, and at least motivating me to vent out about my problems.
hope the walk was nice and soothing :)
Dimitrij
Dimitrij, thank you for writing such a post. I know other people have fears, but we don't talk about these things enough. they get hidden and not admitted to, and when there is an issue with a family or friend, no one knows what to say because there is so much fear or mockery even that someone could be so weak or vulnerable. they dont want to admit that it could happen to them, or they think the other person is imagining things and should stop being so sensitive.
the fears arent irrational. it's a normal fear i think, to be scared of death, the unknown and of potential illness, whether this is physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. it's best to be prepared by facing the fear and maybe not think too much about the "what if", because it drives one crazy, focusing on the fear; that we are somehow damaged or a failure in the eyes of society.
there are so many advances lately with alzheimers that were not there when my grandmother was diagnosed. medicines, treatment, early detection, gene identification. the important thing is to keep ourselves healthy by exercising and eating right, thinking positively. sometimes this is a huge problem if we have not enough money or no support from family, or we are fighting decades of bad habits. but just hearing one other person really understands! this is where we have hope.
thank you for sharing!
Interesting post to be sure. I can't tell if it's for real or not. Maybe that's the point of the story.
indeed, it is real, but even taken as a story, if its beneficial to one person than I am content.
Well good luck with that. I hope you figure out something that works for you.