Hello... I'm just gonna vent out a bit about my problems, sorry if it pollutes your comment feed.. :/
I've lost my grandmother to Alzheimer's and it has been mostly traumatic to my mother who took care of her for the last couple of years. As she "faded" away, only a couple of moments of her lucidity made that connection that seemed to be lost forever.
I often worry that the same fate awaits to my parents, or myself in the end. But I know that nobody can prepare for that, or any other disease.
I guess, those kind of fears are irrational, and even tho people say we shouldn't let them bother us (since they're irrational), unfortunately we're wired in a way that things that are seen can't be unseen.
Lately I was afraid that I was gonna die, and couldn't shake the feeling of danger that "the nature" will kill me. I know, funny... But, even tho' I realized that I couldn't do anything about it - I mean, if I died, I wouldn't know it, and it would be whatever to me - I still felt a great fear because of the fact that it COULD happen. It was mostly paralyzing.
One side-effect that came through that was the fact that I started really feeling (or became more sensitive to) other peoples emotions and "motives" that radiate through our ordinary communications. And one thing that made me paralyzed again was the fact that I felt that everybody else felt it. That was the worst... I guess that's the ego part of me judging everybody else. I just couldn't justify the presence of evil and pain when I knew that people felt each other's insecurities and fears through empathy.
But in the end, I guess that expecting an unrealistic utopian world-peace kind of solution that is based on fuzzy feelings can bring me to a point of frustration.
Anyways, the reason why I wanted to comment on your post is just to let you know that there are other people who are currently (at this moment) struggling with fears, doubts and feeling like drifting into insanity.
But one idea really gives me comfort about insanity. And that's the fact that nothing that we can't imagine can't happen. Really, nothing worse. And even if our worst nightmare came through, we would react much better because we've already seen it :). Even if I lost my mind to Alzheimer, I would feel that I have my mind together, it's just that the surroundings would be different and lost... It's a mind trick, I know, but it just gives me a perspective that everything around me exists through my prism of perception, and I need to keep it clean and focused, otherwise I will surround myself with something I don't want... Don't know, I think it's worth trying, because there is nothing else to do.
Anyways thank you for taking your time and writing this post, and at least motivating me to vent out about my problems.
hope the walk was nice and soothing :)
Dimitrij
Dimitrij, thank you for writing such a post. I know other people have fears, but we don't talk about these things enough. they get hidden and not admitted to, and when there is an issue with a family or friend, no one knows what to say because there is so much fear or mockery even that someone could be so weak or vulnerable. they dont want to admit that it could happen to them, or they think the other person is imagining things and should stop being so sensitive.
the fears arent irrational. it's a normal fear i think, to be scared of death, the unknown and of potential illness, whether this is physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. it's best to be prepared by facing the fear and maybe not think too much about the "what if", because it drives one crazy, focusing on the fear; that we are somehow damaged or a failure in the eyes of society.
there are so many advances lately with alzheimers that were not there when my grandmother was diagnosed. medicines, treatment, early detection, gene identification. the important thing is to keep ourselves healthy by exercising and eating right, thinking positively. sometimes this is a huge problem if we have not enough money or no support from family, or we are fighting decades of bad habits. but just hearing one other person really understands! this is where we have hope.
thank you for sharing!