Tumbleweeds & Crickets

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Time Keeps On Slippin'...

It's the strangest feeling, really; to be simultaneously aware of the swift passage of time while also having no idea where it went.

My last post was more than a week ago. In it, I explained a bit about why it had been a week since I'd posted anything. Seems I'm making a habit of that.

Somehow the days just keep passing. When I wake – as I review the dozen or so forever-running 'to-do' lists in my head – I consider the possibility of finding a few moments to draft a post. Each night, as I crawl into bed, I half-heartedly regret my failure to do so.

Before I know it, those days of silence stack against each-other, like bricks in a wall...or flapjacks on a plate – grown cold and unappealing.

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The Shiny New Thing

When I first joined this platform, I experienced an intoxicating creative revival – a triggering of inspiration that had long been laying dormant – a renewed sense of purpose and belonging.

I'd already broken my social media habit, having realized its exceptionally negative effect on my emotional well-being. I'd become hyper-aware of just how anxiety-inducing it was, just to log on to FB. (I know I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating.)

What I'd noticed, more than anything, was how inadequate I felt – increasingly incapable of 'keeping up' with the endless flow of information – the ceaseless barrage of details about the daily goings on of thousands of lives. I felt lost beneath it all – starved for breath that didn't carry with it the obligation to say and do and share something interesting and worthwhile.

As dramatic as it sounds – it really did feel as though I was choking on obligation – shut up by the pressure to speak louder – immobilized by all the subtle and not-so-subtle demands...to keep growing my following, maintain my reputation and increase my influence.

I just couldn't do it anymore.

Rather than erasing myself entirely, I simply stopped engaging. It was surprisingly easy – like hopping out of a skipping rope without disrupting its rhythm. The hungry machine just kept on moving – no one even noticed I'd gone.

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Obligation Creeps In

I can't say precisely when it happened. I imagine it was a slow creep – a dulling of that alluring luster – an unconscious stumble, back into those well-worn ruts – as excitement gave way to ennui.

Somehow this place; my brilliant escape from the burdensome weight of expectation, became yet another stone in the sack – one more line on that endless to-do list – each day of silence adding a stitch in the quilt of regret that drapes so heavily across my shoulders.

I suppose it's indicative of my personality – a symptom of the deeply entrenched, impossible to live up to standards I've always held myself to. Somehow, the combination of my own internal pressures, coupled with all the external reminders of my failure to measure up, effects a kind of paralysis in me.

It's a conundrum; I sincerely care about and want to know what my friends are up to – I want to read posts and comment and recognize others for their significant efforts. And yet – it's the accumulation of all those notifications – the impressive consistency in other people's ability to post daily, if not several times per day – in contrast with my cold stack of pancakes...that I'm finding difficult to endure.

My blog could be a lively wellspring full of vibrant imagery and philosophical musings. Instead, it's become something of an arid desert – all tumbleweeds and crickets.

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And The Truth Shall Set Me Free?

Perhaps this rather verbose confession will ease things somewhat. Something about... acknowledging the elephant, in hopes it'll kindly excuse itself from its unwelcome perch on my exhausted chest.

I still believe in this place – my gratitude for this platform and the incredible people it's led me to is as strong as ever. I just have to find a more balanced way to maintain my connection, lest I reach that point of overwhelm that results in my disappearance – just as I did with FB and Insta and all the rest.

I care too much about the communities I'm part of here. I won't be vanishing any time soon. But I might not be as active as I could be...at least not while I'm in the process of restructuring my off-chain life.

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Spending Time With Myself

In general, I'm trying to limit my interaction with technology – to trade screen-time for me time. As it is, I have projects on my desk that require I spend many hours each day working on my laptop. In those few, precious moments away from my work, the last thing I want to do is...well...this.

I forgive myself for that. I'm learning how to take care of me first – to pick up my guitar and not feel guilty about playing for an hour or two, even if it means I neglect things on those glaring to-do lists.

Perhaps I'm not sharing as much as I have in the past, yet it feels important to allow my life to be uncharacteristically quiet and unobserved – at least for a little while longer.

Thank you for being such lovely people – for your patient forgiveness of my inconsistency – for not abandoning me and my tumbleweeds.

Smilingly,
xo • Zippy

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