After Sunset

Face your life,
its pain,
its pleasure,
leave no path untaken.
― Neil Gaiman

Some years ago, I was talking to my friend Gary. I was wearing my sunglasses as I tried to hide my tears from him. He knew very well what I had been going through. He could understand the pain. There are good things waiting for you, you'll see, he assured me. I understood that my pain was nothing compared to his. But still, I couldn't manage to talk straight without breaking into tears or pretending to stare at the beach. I still didn't know what he meant that time. Suddenly, I found myself alone in paradise. I watched the sunset every day but everything was gray. The beauty of it all lost its meaning.

I was just traveling around this island called Phu Quoc. I was here to wait and see, then I waited and saw.

Gary's wife passed away in Australia who happened to have the same name as me. He was planning to sell his house and decided to move to this island. But people just come and go here. Gary was the only expat I talked to as he frequented the bar. He is a very nice man and he met a Vietnamese woman on the island. The Aussie owner of the beach bar was kind of judging him as he carried this typical stereotype of an old white man with a young Asian girl. But man, I wouldn't judge him. He needed someone. He is actually very wise, respectful and a good friend to me. What I like about him is that he didn't really care what others say. When I got into the Vietnamese staff nightmare as they really hated me, he told me, Come on, I'm sure you're old enough not to worry about what these people say! But they distracted me. It was all good. I needed all kinds of feelings.

I was waiting for someone. We met while we were traveling then we lived together. We made plans to live in this country, carry out our dreams to do some travel business, surf, travel together and all those adventurous things. But then he said that he was not going to come back in that month he promised. He needed to work more. Long distance relationship didn't work anymore. So I finally made a decision - I let him go.

At least there was someone I could talk to during those painful moments. Gary was my only friend.

Did I do the right thing? I can't put my life on hold anymore, I asked him.

I cry whenever I remember that phase of my life. Not because I haven't moved on but I can still remember how painful it was. It would have been better if I'm surrounded by friends or family or I was somewhere not so romantic. It would have been better if I had a lot of money to just easily move somewhere else and forget. I still had to finish my work for 2 months more to get my money. All those dreams and plans vanished in a snap. I walked on the beach to watch the coppery sky and pretended that I appreciated the lovely sunset and the stunning beach. But I was lying to myself. It was hard to smile while serving margaritas and mango daiquiris to couples. I guess my job taught me how to hide my feelings but at least I got some distraction. I dreaded after work because it meant retiring to my torture chamber. I stared at the white walls of my bungalow thinking why things had gone wrong. My hobby was to cry every night.

The wife of the owner went back to Australia because she needed to undergo some operation. The boss got depressed and drank every night. I complained that there was a leak in the ceiling and my bed got wet when there was a heavy rain. The bungalows were part of his beach bar. He said that that there were a lot of bigger problems in the world. Yeah, he was a bit of an ass. But Gary already knew that so he helped me moved my heavy bed away from the leak instead.

Unfortunately, the owner was contributing to my suffering. One night he tried to knock on my door. He said he was very lonely because his wife left. He wanted to sleep beside me and promised that he wouldn't do anything. God, I was so nervous so I shooed him away. Good thing he didn't break into my place. He really became an ass after that incident. I left that horrible place as soon as I had gotten my wage.

To make matters worse, I was already part of this #100daysofhappiness bandwagon on social media. I started posting a photo of what made me happy every day. Then somewhere in the middle, I ended a relationship, I was hated by my coworkers then almost got sexually harassed by my boss. How could I still continue this madness? I just thought that it would make sense to continue the challenge because I didn't want to give up. I thought that it would be very timely to seek happiness in the simple pleasures of life. So I finished that challenge however difficult. I really posted 100 happy pictures (3 months).

That time, I didn't resort to drugs or alcohol abuse. I sat on my feelings and made a map around it every night. I continued staring at the walls and let my tears flow before I go to sleep. I faced every single dreaded day of my life in this paradise. I didn't force myself to appreciate the beauty around me anymore. It was the worst time of my life but I did not resist it. I went through it all because I had no choice but to be strong.

Gary what's in store for me?

This is why I have known very well that the beauty of a place is nothing if you don't have anyone to share it with, like a friend, lover or someone. Then I met people on this island who really changed my life...Gary was one of them. He did not have an email address. Before I left, he just gave me the address of his empty house in Byron Bay but I wasn't really headed to Australia. I actually didn't know yet where I was going. I couldn't get a hold of him anymore but I just want to say to him right now:

After meeting you, a lot of things have changed. I changed. I became fearless. I learned how to live my life to the fullest. I traveled and hitchhiked in South America alone. Oh wow it was dangerous, I almost got pounded by a hammer. But I had escaped all that danger. I stared at the devil's throat of the Iguazu falls in awe. I know how salty the salt flat is. I walked around the glaciers. I hiked Patagonia. Brazilians received me in their homes and made me drunk. I had nowhere to sleep. There was a Bolivian dog that protected me through the night while I was out in the cold. I walked through the darkness just to see Machu Picchu. I scuba dive with the hammerheads in the Galapagos, that was a big dream for me. I am writing all of these now but I'm not done yet. There are just too many stories. But I know now what you meant when you told me that there are good things in store for me - I still believe that to this day. I am rebuilding and pursuing my dreams with all that I have learned in my journey. I still believe when you told me that I would meet someone I deserve though. Thank you.

That was such a big turning point in my life. Whenever I feel sad or whenever I am going through a difficult time, I always remember that island. Every upset emotion, every bad thing, every concept, every adventure, every good thing, every predicament, every happy feeling, every thought will all pass.

This too shall pass.