You Aren't Alone, Things Can Get Better & I'm Still Here For You if Needed.

in suicide •  2 years ago  (edited)

In light of recent tragedy involving the death of one of our prominent community members it's become clear to me that we've got to shape up the way we deal with and perceive mental illness within our growing community.. Simply put the passing of @lauralemons should never have happened, although to paint yourself with guilt over it is a zero sum game.

We spend time on here, interacting with each-other, creating new friendships, sharing thoughts and ideals.. But is that really enough?

While I'll not glorify depression, suicidal thoughts, troubled minds or terrible past happenings in ones life, it's to be said out loud that nearly every human being I've ever got the chance to know "in real life" or online has battled with 1 or more of the listed above at some time in their life.

People we interact with here every day who seem to be content with life may actually be suffering the most. Without someone they feel they can turn to for support they may very well try to ease their own suffering, sadly the bravest of the sad folk may remove their own player from the game of life.. Wasting their potential and ultimately leaving us here on earth to deal with the sadness they were overwhelmed by.

It's Natural to Feel Sad Sometimes

Feeling low or being depressed isn't a sign of weakness of character or mind, if anything it may just correlate with a persons intelligence. No remotely intelligent being could look upon the state of our planet and societies without being filled with some form of sorrow or grief.

Our earth is a violent battle of survival, no matter where you look there is always something terrible happening: Wars, floods, famine, poverty, exploitation, predators and general disregard for the value of human life are a theme on every continent.. Often manifesting in different forms but none the less widespread in all countries, religions and societies.

While the above paragraph may seem far fetched to those living in safely gilded cages it honestly is how the world is. Often I've pondered why humans seem genetically predisposition'd to mistreat eachother.. My belief now stands that while our species and societies have started evolving away from "tribal" mentality it is still very much a part of our programming. Racism, homophobia and misleading news sources are all prime examples of this primitive tribal gene/code expressing itself in modern times. It can be completely engulfing at times to see all the pain and sorrow in the world... there is hope still, you'd not be here otherwise.

Reach Out When You Need It, Please

Statistically speaking most people who suffer from depression and end up taking their own life will go silent days before in an attempt to detach themselves from their emotional connections, mainly to ease their guilt of creating sorrow in their wake. They know that the sadness they feel will be magnified into their friends and family. They cut all ties and quietly go end their suffering in the only way they figure will fix it for good.

While I've not publicly shared this yet until now I too once succumbed to the sadness and took a shot at offing myself. Would have been 6 years ago now, the girlfriend at the time was bitching at me fiercely, my life seemed pointless and I was done trying.. so I casually set up a noose in the closet, then calm as a bomb proceeded to hang myself. While not an advocate of self harm or suicide while I was hanging there drifting out of consciousness the most overwhelming sense of peace came over me.

Rather than the darkness I'd expected to see, dazzling lights and colours began to dance in front of me. Wasn't my eyes that were seeing these colours, no.. They were being seen within my own mind but just as vivid as the reality we inhabit now, it was at that point my now ex-girlfriend heard me gurgling, came to see what I was doing and cut me down. When I came back to this realm I was no longer sad, rather than feeling the overwhelming sorrow I'd felt prior it felt like I'd been reset.. I told her calmly "I was at peace" as she wept and scolded me for being selfish and trying to kill myself.

Since that fateful day years and years ago hanging in my closet with my soul or whatever headed to disco heaven I've have not tried to end my life. Could have just as easily died that day, but was saved by a woman who would later go on to crush my heart.. Do I have a purpose on this planet?

Fuck if I know, but what I do know is that I'd try and help anyone here on STEEM who reaches out to me with a troubled mind. I cannot judge any person, because at the end of the day I've either been through it, been exposed to it or keep an open enough mind enough to accept another persons struggle and try to comfort them.

I'm Still Here, But it Ain't For My Benefit

I may not always have the right words, advice, analysis or picture to help people through their own self created hells. But I promise you I'll try everything within reason and power to aide in relieving your anguish.

Don't suffer in silence and think that ending your life is an option to escape the pain. You've been given the greatest gift this planet has to offer, life as the apex species here.. While it may be overwhelming at times to be bombarded with all the hate and evil in this world, if you EVER need someone to talk to.. I'm still here.

Let us Mourn, But Also Celebrate @lauralemons

In my family when someone dies we have a party celebrating their life, sharing fond memories of the departed and recalling good times.

Laura deserves the same, because let's face it, Steemit is more than a community.. We're a large, sometimes dysfunctional family.

If you've got any fond memories or instances where Laura impacted your life in a positive manner please share them below, I know it would help me a bit, maybe it will help others as well. May whatever deity she chose to put her belief in guide her to a more comfortable place to rest until her respawn timer spawns her back onto this planet.

Rest without pain or sadness Lovely, You'll be missed.

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  ·  2 years ago (edited)

One fond memory of Laura I have was one of the earlier times we'd chatted. I was being all flirtatious and whatnot, you know, joking around with sentences like "Ever been with a top Witness baby? ;)"..
(my game is weak)

Rather than telling me to fuck off and leave her alone she played along with it and entertained my somewhat terrible attempt to hit on her..

Wasn't really that long ago now that I think about it.. Man.

Anyways, She was a wonderfully complex and vibrant person! The very fact she played along with my somewhat laughable novice attempt to try to pick her up will always stand out to me. I remember her as the girl who didn't make me feel bad for using bad pickup lines.

This one is for you Ms. Lemons! May your legacy live on in our hearts, memories and blockchain.

I just read about Laura, and I shocked .. also sad to know. A person like her just passed away. Many steemians who know about her, will miss her present in the future.

Honestly, I do not know about Laura. I think, she is a wonderful person... I should check it about her. :)

That comment cracked me up a lot. You're more charming than you make it appear to be and you know it and that's part of your charm.

I'll miss her too. I used to talk to her too. This week was one of the most interesting discussion we had.

This one is for you Ms. Lemons! May your legacy live on in our hearts, memories and blockchain.

Thanks for the reply and letting me know you got a giggle out of it. That is the point of sharing our good memories of her. Far better to have tears in your eyes but be laughing than just sad.

<3

That really is some weak ass game..

I figured throwing my prestige at her would have melted panties.. But alas she was far to smart to fall for my terrible pickup line game..

Well it happens... good news is there's more fish in the sea... mostly us minnows..

Well, you are kinda cute I guess Dave.. ;)

And hung like a prize field mouse

lmfao. Thank you for the laugh sir. +1

Que buen post, sigue así amigo!

@kyle I love your courage in sharing your story here alongside of @lauralemons. I just read a couple of her posts for the first time and am grateful to be here myself after several of my own suicide attempts. The purpose I see for us is to make Steem a divine gift to the world that helps with healing, forgiving, and reconnecting. What you shared here is exactly why I think Steem is amazing. Thank you for the inspiration! tip!

Thanks for the comment Jerry! I realize you're an extremely busy man so seeing your comment here means a lot to me. Your mention in the latest post of yours was sweet and the $10 SBD tip was a kind gesture. A part of me hopes that maybe someone out there sees this post and reaches out to someone rather than game over'ing themselves..

We're still here, not sure if by some divine intervention, luck, fate or higher purpose... Either way each day is a blessing of sorts. Even when going though your own hells there is always some way to feel ok again. I'm not a great writer, artist or rolemodel... But I'm willing to share my experience in hopes someone doesn't have to go through the lows that I did.

Cheers Jerry.

Call me old fashion, but if you commit suicide... Fuck em.

I looked through her posts. Seems like quitting quit drinking 36 days ago... moral of the story: Don't quit things you love or life might not be worth living.

RIP. It does suck though, but shouldn't be glorified or treated like it is "OK".

Less people would kill themselves if they knew no one would pay attention to them.

That being said... I'm always here to attempt to talk you out of your Japanese Schoolgirl sad moments bb! BUT if you actually do it... then fuck you too! <3 :D

(this is why I don't go to suicide funerals suicide funerals.) shuts mouth

  ·  2 years ago (edited)

... * shakes head *

I respect your right to have your own opinion on the matter bb. However I don't view people who off themselves as something that should be scolded or disregarded. People kill themselves because they are in pain, to dishonour or neglect this fact and look down on them because they opted to try to fix it once and for all.. Well, makes a man look insensitive and rude.

Regardless of how you deal with suicide bb, this ain't a "fuck em" situation. We lost a person who essentially laid the foundation for a lot of things that are common practice here now. :/

  ·  2 years ago (edited)

Laura and I got along fine if I didn't offer her advice, she was full of rage and pain, all I could do is listen. We both struggled with autoimmune disease and pain from sexual abuse. I have so much experience dealing with the struggles and coming out healthy, I didn't give up, which so many times I wanted too. It took me 25 years with no help from the medical community, they wanted to give me pills, pills don't fix external problems like addictions, negative conditioning, dysfunctional relationships with self and other, the causes of my health problems.

I tried telling her don't give up, live to be healthy....I understand why she left. For those who are contemplating suicide please don't commit suicide with a troubled mind! Find balance first and when you do, you will find the pain and loneliness isn't so bad and you can live to help others who are struggling to find balance.

I also gathered from my talks with her that she was heavily effected by her past abuse, carrying it around like dead weight. Knowing you reddust you did what you could to cheer her up and free her from the sorrow she'd kept with her so long.

You're 100% correct about the pills. I've tried mood stabalizers and antidepressants myself.. Great way to dull yourself out and be high as shit on the doctors sponsored meds.. But at the end of the day it's ultimately yourself that decides if you're going to try to be a survivor or let the past destroy you.

Proud of you reddust. You're an inspiration to myself and many others here.

The antidepressants wrecked my digestive system and I suffered from weight gain along with malnutrition. Which made everything worse. I found out the system makes profit from my illness and does not practice health medicine only symptom management.

Thank you @kyle, I hope others will explore why they are ill and find balance. Many of us will never be totally healthy but we still can find balance even when our world is full of rage and pain. I have seen so many people find their health, if not health, they find ease whilst they are dying through disciplining the mind, developing healthy relationships and diet.

If anyone needs to chat with me, I will dump my aversion to chat rooms and give you my ear to listen and the use of my shoulder to cry on....and if you give me free rein I will drown you in meditation and nutritional advice <3

We grief for Luara, but we need to move forward. She is happy now with God his angels. She feel no pain and no sadness now.

If she went to the disco heaven I caught a glimpse of when I tried to "an hero" I bet you're right.

Great post my friend! I have an incredible amount of respect for you sending this message. You have modeled this personally by reaching out during some of your toughest times. You are a good man to try and help others through your experience and caring. Seriously man. This is why I love steemit. This is how a COMMUNITY acts. Trying to pull each other up when they need it.

(Insert more words about how awesome and kind this is because I am too emotional to think right now).

<3 Thanks for the feedback an perspective man.. I guess I do reach out for help here when I get to dangerously low levels of mind. Steemit clan has always been there to pick my crazy ass back up, brush me of, smack my ass and put me back out on the field. Can't help but feeling that I failed this girl though. She was there for me when I needed it.. Just wish she'd of let me know she needed it before going and wasting that beautiful soul of hers.

We are family here. All of the "old timers" around here have been interacting for a year basically and creating bonds.. The feelings, friendships, failures and fumbles are all real, and felt by us all.

<3

Sometimes I have thought about commiting suicide (just a vague thought that only lasted a few hours or minutes) The main reason that make me reject that decision is I won´t be the only victim, I would harm my familiy and my friends too.

However, I do not judge people that commits suicide, your own mind can become a terrible enemy, and fleeing from him it is impossible .

I think most intelligent being play with the idea atleast once. You are right though, it's not you who suffers after but the ones who cared about ya.

The mind can be your greatest ally or worse nemesis.. All depends on what side you choose to feed.

I really like your posts, maybe I'm interested in your post, I wait for your next posting

Normally they aren't this emotional.. Generally has more whale balls.

Amazing, Great Blog...Than you from all my heart...

You are most welcome sir.

I just saw this announced today; @ned had resteemed it.

Much the same thoughts had occurred to me; I assume our friend was in a lot of pain. I won't be too quick to judge, but I hope everybody else knows this is a great place to find someone to talk you through and it does not have to go this way..

Well typed surfyyogi. She'd had a pretty rough upbringing and seemed to carry that pain with her. I wish she'd let one of us know she was considering the escape of life.. Not much we can do now other than honour her memory, personality and charm. She was a good STEEM author, great woman and an incredibly strong person to put up with the shit she had to go through. While I'm sad she chose to go I can understand and hold no anger or malice towards her. Cheers man.

Just beautiful, and heartfelt. This is is very difficult world to live in and you are a soul who makes it a little better.

You made me cry damnit! @KLYE isn't supposed to leak salty eye water. ffs, get a grip on yourself @KLYE.

Thanks onetree for reading the post. I'm not sure who I wrote this for to be honest.. It's always been soothing to try and type out the chaos of thought going on within me.. Hopefully this message helps someone who needs it. Dunno if I can deal with losing more family any time soon. :/

<3

No grips needed <3

lol, if I didn't keep a grip on this maniac lord only knows the fallout. :)

Thanks for the love onetree.

Sorry to hear about Laura...
I resteemed your post because it is So important not to suffer alone but to share your struggles. For everyone to know it's ok whatever you are going through, you can share, and you are not alone in this. Even though it can feel that way you really are not alone.

I'm very transparent about my past and recent suffering and have turned to our community here a few times to help get past times that would have otherwise taken me to my worst. Thank you for the resteem

To sum it all up I guess: Depression isn't something to be ashamed of, and plenty people here will gladly help people through the dark times if you let them know what is going on. Cheers Cryptomam.

  ·  2 years ago (edited)

I did not know Laura but RIP beautiful artist. I do remember seeing her work awhile back. Its a shame, she was a very talented and reading her comments, she was very nice as well. A good creative soul. Very bold of you to share what you have been through as well kyle. More people should be aware of depression, it affects more then people may realize. On the outside they could look and act perfectly normal, but behind the scenes struggling to get through the day. Like kyle said if anyone ever needs someone to talk to you, I am also around for any of you steemians out there. Just hit up my blog or DM me on discord chat (same as my steemit name). RIP @lauralemons

resteemed, to help spread the word

My past is a pretty rocky tale to be fair! Always found it better to be honest about who I am and where I've come from than to try to bullshit and pretend to be something else. Not everyone has the balls to admit they were once hanging in a closet. No shame in it, sharing it feels better.

I'm blessed that I've got cyclical manic and depression cycles. Some people just get the depression bits.

Appreciate your reply and willingness to take on others problems to help them through the rough patches. You're a good man.

She was a gem here on STEEM, her blogging career cut waaaay to short in my opinion. Hoping Ned or some other speaker at Steemfest this year takes a minute of silence to remember Laura and the other Steemit users we've lost over the past year.

Godspeed man.

Well said, that goes for you too dude ever need to talk hit me up. It's nice to see the Steemit community come together from all walks of life. Steem on my friend.

This is a great and helpful article, Kyle! We had a suicide in our family several years ago and it is an awful and on going pain. It shocked our family to the very core as this person was smart, successful and beautiful. She had many friends but had hit a rocky spot and seemed to isolate herself and dwell on her problems. She began having health problems and was prescribed several powerful medications that were supposed to help. It seemed a "trial and error" situation and things only got worse.

She was seeing a therapist and followed some of his advice but not all of it.

We think the prescriptions caused more depression but none of us are professionals in this field.

Thoughts and prayers go to @ lauralemons family and loved ones.

They leave the pain behind for us. Understandably in some cases though. Life can be absolutely hellish if you've not developed the proper coping tools or made peace with the past. There is a reason they say never go to bed angry, that negative emotion or energy gets bottled up and numbed.. But slowly eats away at the psyche.

It's always the ones you never suspect that go and pull a ticket to the next realm. Part of me envies their balls to commit to it, part of me shudders at the fact I look up to those who've left us by their own hand.

Personally I'm looking forward to my natural death. This world is a wild classroom, but on the off chance there is actually some validity to the whole re-incarnation or afterlife thing.. Can't wait to explore it! (Well, I can actually, no sense rushing to the grave, it's already guaranteed from birth!)

Have a gooder fellow STEEM friend.

@kyle, sorry for your loss. Sorry for our loss. I did not know her personally. I say it that way as I can tell that her passing has had an impact on you personally. From what you have said and having read some of her posts I can also tell that she has had a positive impact on many in the Steemit community. I raise my cup of coffee; to @lauralemons, and mourn her passing but also to remind us all to celebrate life, do not be afraid to relive those fond memories and as you say communicate and reach out. There are a lot of ears willing to listen and many willing to help.

It was not my loss but the loss of our whole community. Laura was a gifted artist, wonderfully spoken and overall a woman that help set the bar around here. You hit it on the head Jasonbu. When one of ours is suffering or lost it has ripples throughout the whole ecosystem.

I see your coffee cheers and raise you a tequila and lime. It's going to be a day of drinking, thinking and healing. Coping skills aren't that great, but I figure between this post, a handful of tequila and having the community send their best to her and hers everything will be ok eventually. Cheers man.

Great post bro
I am so sad read your post
I hope you can move on

It's been a sad past day or so but I'll survive. She'd not wanted me to sit here and cry over her departure.

Celebrating death is what many tend to forget.. It really is just the end of a chapter is my thoughts.

Dude! Thanks for sharing your experience. I have heard from many death is painless, it is total peace. Thanka also for bringing some light and love to lauralemons passing. I did not get a chance to know her, but it sounds like she had a rough go and still

I know when I failboat hung myself it was literally like floating into a disco dance floor basically.. No pain, no worry.. Nothing. Not condoning people to go and hang themselves in the closet, but as far as ways to snuff yourself.. Probably the least painless and messy... Granted whomever finds you is going to be fucked up for a lifetime. :/

She was a good woman and deserves to be celebrated, regardless of her choice to leave us all here to bare the loss.

Cheers man.

Well said. Peace!

Hopefully your post reaches that one person.. standing in the closet on a bucket... contemplating ending it.. and they see that suicide doesn't solve your problems.. it just passes them on to your love ones.. suicide is never the answer.. if you think it is get help.. NOW.. thanks for sharing your story @kyle

Lead by example when you can I say. As someone who's dealt with depression and thoughts of self harm since before his balls dropped I can safely say that I understand the nature of the depression beast. While there is no one size fits all cure for it.. I do believe that removing the negative stigma attached to depression and suicidal thoughts is the first step.

If people see me, read my story and realize they aren't in this crazy ass world alone then I've done part of what I've intended to do. We're trained by society over here in north america to be "manly" or "strong" by hiding or bottling our emotions.. Fuck that! Let them flow, I don't feel any less of a man for expressing the fact I have feelings. Neither should anyone else.

This is even more emotional than your degenerated art, kyle.

Thanks for sharing your story and raising awareness!

Since once having also dealt with the inescapable to seem deep sadness of the human mind myself I'd consider mental ailments even more harmful than physical ones as they often go unseen and therefore the emotional support heavenly needed stays away.

May you find peace in another realm my lovely lemon lady

I've not got the emotional energy to properly cope with losing anymore of our STEEM commrades to depression. Hopefully this post is enough to push people towards being open and honest about what they are currently dealing with mentally rather than remaining silent about it while it burns them from the inside out.

<3 Robert.

Thank you for Being my friend. No more losses.

May I love you a little Kyle?

Of course sir, the love is returned as well. We've gotta look out for eachother man.

You sir are like the coffee Rembrandt!

I never talked with Ms Lemons but my wifes mom commited suicide almost 2 years ago and it still effects her and her family to the day.
If you need help find it. If youre worried about someone seek them out. Mental illness is one of the most underfunded diseases especially when compared to cancer, heart disease, and such and it effects just as many people.

I'm the pillar of support for the most part, or try to be. While the odd thought of jumping in front of a bus or swan diving off a bridge certainly comes up from time to time in the end it would only bring suffering to those who give a shit about my well being.

Can't help people if I'm dead, can't achieve my potential and become a household name.

It's to absolute for me. While I do infact welcome death at some point in my life it won't be by my own hand.

Steemit is my help. This community and the bonds forged with users here has been 100x more helpful than any overpaid psychologist will ever be. Hands down.
(Also took psych 101 in school, which gave me enough of a basis to completely throw off any evaluation..)

Sorry to hear about your wife unit's mother.. I don't think anyone gets away unscathed from that sort of thing.

Thanks for posting.

I think steemit is a great place to express ones state of mind and have intelligent responses. If I am in distress I will seek out here for sure. RIP

This community is the only place I've felt accepted and respected since my early crypto days when I was a degenerate gambling addict. You need someone to talk to I'm generally around here somewhere.. Ad if not online immediately will be no more than 8 hours. I rarely sleep these days, too much going on.

Oh wow. I didn't have the chance to get to know her. I'm so sorry to hear this news, and respect your tender thoughts and heart. It is great to see you offer a helping hand to anyone who may need it in the community. Blessings, Peace and Love brother!

Really great post @kyle and I too think it's really important that we let each other know that we actually care about each other here on Steemit (and elsewhere too of course!). Thanks for setting the example.

Great post couldn't agree more @klye :(

https://steemit.com/art/@lauralemons/step-by-step-drawing-of-an-eye

I loved her artistic efforts. As an artists who has hit several walls, seeing someone with her ability lifted me up to stop slacking and practice my craft. Her subject was the eye, which is often my go to subject if I am bored or want to practice. She had a lovely style.

https://steemit.com/steam/@lauralemons/calling-all-steemians-who-game-on-steam

I wasn't into the same games that she played, but I admire her sharing her love for gaming. I love gaming too and I'll share my battle net gamer tag here in case anyone wants to kick my ass on Hearthstone: Hexar #1438

@lauralemons, thank you for giving so much to the artsy community here.

very nice article

Hi @klye! @jerrybanfield is sending you 10.0 SBD tip and @tipU upvote :)

send tips with @tipU | earn interest in @tipU profit

Thank you for posting about @lauralemons and sharing your own personal experience.
Depression and suicidality touches everyone's lives. We are all vulnerable at some point in our lives.
It is hard when that vulnerability feels like a prolonged period. Holding on or letting someone else hold on for you when those thoughts engulf can seem impossible in the moment.
Please, the intensity of those feelings, even if they remain with you, the intensity will pass.
Talk, keep talking, keep trying strategies to stay in this world. If you don't feel safe ask someone to help you safe during vulnerable times.
I followed @lauralemons. I loved her work, art and the way she challenged us to talk about taboo subjects. She revealed her own struggles and in doing so helped people.
Bless you darling lady. I am ... I don't know how to say a fitting tribute. Bless you lauralemons ❤

Oh my God, I up voted Laura 8 days ago. The post about sugar, now it feels so surreal. That someone you read their posts before, is longer here. Rest in peace Laura, thank you for your bright insight and time.

In my own experience, a friend of mine committed suicide two months ago. He finally got tired of his drug use and it didn't help, his mom committed suicide 5 years before him. His little brother found both his mom and him dead, they both committed suicide by medicine. His Mom was found in her bed, he was found sitting in a chair with his head on the table.

At first when I heard the news, I thought it was a joke. I did not believe it, or refused too. Then later after more investigation and people not giving up on the topic, it became fact. Online you can also find ambulance reports, when they get sent out and to what address. His address was on the list. At first I was at disbelief, then shock, then sadness and grief. Today, I still think about it and memories about how we laughed and what we did still come to me. Depression is a horrible disease, which should not be underrated. There are plenty people I know who suffer from it, who lost a loved one from it. It's the final solution to end the suffering, but not for the ones who you leave behind. You will leave them with a hole in their hearts and soul.

Sorry to hear we lost someone within our community here. RIP Laura.

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