The Weight of Quiet: 15 Minute Free Write
I was going to write something else today,
but it didn't feel like what I needed to write today. The main reason I blog is for my own benefit. That does Sometimes means pushing my writing by engaging topics that can feel a little like work. But I want this to remain a hobby. This should not burden me. So, I put my planned writing aside for today. It'll probably come up later.
I calm myself.
Put on This Will Destroy You. The full Young Mountain album. I seek a state of clarity in order to take my personal inventory. I’m reminded of the Fourth Step. Maybe even the Tenth. I want to know myself. Not just facts about myself. I want intimacy with my whole self.
I am so physically tired. My emotions feel overdrawn. This is not a complaint.
My life is full. Full of so much goodness and beauty and love. My wife seeks to know me, my kids want me with them. I am known by friends who accept me.
I'd be dead without these things. The weight of quiet reminds me of this. In that, if that is all, I still die.
As I turn myself inward, I see my stained whipping post. The place I so regularly try to satisfy my anger. If I don't look at his face, it is easy enough to forget he is human.
Pull him out when you need him. When other vices come up short. Beat the shit out of him, then back to the steamer trunk.
Put your face back together so they don't smell the blood.
How long can this routine continue before the boy is utterly destroyed? How has he held on for all these years. Two decades without the kiss of sunlight.
You will always be searching and stealing until you look in his eyes. Bring yourself the freedom that has been bought for you.
Let your kid know your kids.
Be blessed,
~Sam
Image Source: Young Mountain, Boy.
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Opening up to ourselves is hard enough imo, opening up to others, fully opening up, has been one of the greatest difficulties in my life. It's like, I just wanna be me, but sometimes I fail to be authentic and spontaneous in the moment.
Nice write, I should check out that album and do one of these myself
There are so many things that keep me from being authentic in the moment. And sometimes that is fine. Like, I don't need to spill my heart to the random person in the elevator who reflexively asks "how's it going?"
And some people are completely unsafe. My in-laws are not going to be my confidants. And that's fine. The problem I get myself into is when I never turn that off. With myself or others.
And you definitely should check the album out. If you can jive with instrumental at all, it it near the top of my list.
I get chills every time by :32 and often feel the wave of emotions around 2:20. Not sure what it is about the music, but it takes me somewhere.
Gracing us again with your depth and way with words. If only I were as blessed, my clouds would behave better...
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