Forgive & Forget: When To Forgive & When To Let Go
Matthew 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you
This was a bible quote my own father instilled upon us from an early age; way before the days of my attending catechism as a member of our Roman Catholic Church. LONG before my Communion and Confirmation within the church.
The second was the Golden Rule about do onto others, as you would have them do onto you.
Over the years I have been involved in many toxic situations whether with family members, friends or co-workers. At some point in those disagreements and differences of opinions; one or both people engaged in the argument had choices to make.
- Forgive and make peace
- Forget and move on
- Make peace but agree to disagree
- Continue the dispute
Most recently I have been struggling with repairing a strained relationship with both of my daughters. We work at it every day. We text each other. I send pictures of my day, garden and crafts. They send pictures of my grandchildren. We meet for lunch every so often and chat, laugh and sometimes, cry. But in the end, we are all healing. Slowly... but we are healing.
My daughters and I touched base on all of these:
- Forgive and make peace
- Forget and move on
- Make peace but agree to disagree
- Continue the dispute
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Forgive And Make Peace
This is where we are at now in our relationships. Granted not every day, or every conversation, leads to healing. We still have our moments of stubbornness, attitude and the desire to be right... but we just say, We need to talk later, and we stop texting or talking. We both need a moment to cool off before more hurtful words are said.
Forget And Move On
Will any of us every forget words said in the past? No, doubtful. But, as my father always told us, be the better person.
Some days I think back to the hurtful words I said or that were said to me... I shudder, shake it off and think of all the happier times we have shared at lunch. The fun holiday pictures with Santa that the girls sent to me of the grandchildren.
I feel if I hold onto those words from the past that negativity will seep in and overtake me. It can perhaps ruin all the positive work we have accomplished in the last year. It was a dark place and I have no intentions of going backwards.
Make Peace But Agree To Disagree
We did this. The topic of the disagreement is not allowed in our texts, chats and meetings.
Did we just sweep it under the rug? No. We dissected the issue and topic way back when we all met up last summer. We yelled at each other. We cussed a little at each other. We pointed the fingers of blame. Eventually we cried, hugged and promised no more mention of the topic would enter our lives and time together. We put it to rest.
While we all feel we were correct with our own reasons; we have agreed to disagree and decided our mother/daughter bond and unconditional love is WAY more important than being right.
Continue The Dispute
We did this in the beginning and you know what? We lost about two years of our lives together. I missed my youngest granddaughter's birth. I missed out on holiday celebrations. I missed first birthday parties. Was it worth it? There is no way to answer this question.
I was stubborn. They were stubborn.
What's done is done and there is nothing that can bring back those memories and moments in our lives. So we have all chosen to move forward. We have dedicated ourselves to making a new relationship with each other. We know we can never go back to where we were prior to the main issue, but we also know we can repair what we have to hopefully create a new, maybe even stronger, bond.
So I have to ask... if you ever had a family falling out, what did you do to either repair it or move on?
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Communication is so important! It is key!
I wrote a post about my brother recently that touches on this (not published). In our case we are not in contact and have not seen one another for years. He was much older, experienced things that I didn't ...has a lot to be angry about ...took it out on me. I've forgiven him and even learned to understand why he was the way he was.
The root of all of this pain comes from growing up in a family that sweeps things under the rug and fails to communicate on all things that make them uncomfortable. There is all of this pain, hurt and anger simmering under the surface. My parents are set in their ways and will never change. I'll never get what I am searching for - so I've got to work things out in a different way because I want a good relationship with them.
So glad that you are working together to make your relationship strong.❤
Every day is a new venture with this situation. It's amazing how so many people take for granted a family relationship. We all were in the wrong with handling the original issue and from there it just kaboomed into more.
We can look back now and see how it all went wrong, feelings are still open wounds but we are all working in unison to make it better.
thank you for sharing your situation. It is never easy when family bonds and relationships break down; and the rebuilding is difficult. So much to do, think about and repair.
It can be quite a heavy/stressful thing to carry and I'm so happy that you and your girls are working together to mend - there's a lot of love there!
@walkerland, this is so on point
so many of our elders raised us this way and were raised this way. we have to stop this cycle of sweeping everything under the rug. it doesn't create happiness. as GD said above, sometimes we have to get it out, agree to disagree, and move forward with what we can get along with. thanks for sharing your story <3
It's a big topic. Forgiveness, I mean. Often misunderstood.
I learned about forgiving the hard way.
Someone close to me hurt me. The way only someone close can hurt you.
It's different and easier to ignore hurt, or to hurt back when it's someone you have no deep feelings for.
But, a family member... it's deep. It stings. It stays with you and you just can't seem to shake it off.
Some people carry wounds like that in their hearts for years. Decades, even.
But, it comes down to what your father taught you - remembering to be the better person.
Not better than whoever you are having difficulty connecting to. Better than you, in those moments.
Anyway, you forgive to free yourself form the heaviness of carrying that pain around. Almost like there's an invisible steel ball chained to your heart.
You'll know you did good, cause the heavines of the chains will disappear the very moment you forgive.
Your heart will instantly open again.
And you'll feel all that love that's been locked in, bursts out more intense than ever before. 💖
Then whaever the problem was, it won't matter to you as much. Because that love you'll be feeling... it's Divine. ✞ ✨
This is a perfect way of saying it...
I can honestly say I have forgiven myself, my daughters and the words that were shared... I know God has forgiven me too. I am at peace in my soul.
I am hoping one day.. we will look back and say... why were we upset? What was that stupid disagreement about?
I had a falling out with my own mother. It was a long and unhappy situation that lasted for years and years. We eventually moved on. We were both wrong. I apologized and attempted to make amends. Her pride has not allowed her to, I guess... She allowed me to start an email only relationship with her. For many years now, that is how it has been. Email only. Polite and friendly, but not close. Not mother/daughter material, just friendly acquaintances at best. I have not been home in 16 years. I am not welcome there. My mom has never met her grandkids.
It is a heart wrenching situation. I have cried many tears about this and been depressed for a long time about it, but I have learned to move on.
My happiness cannot be dependent upon her attitude toward me. I do the best I can, raising my kids, being a good wife, living my life. I really, really needed a mother's love and understanding during those years, but did not get it, and it has made me a stronger person, I suppose, being forced to do without.
I feel melancholy when I think of my family and parents, but I wont let it suck me down. And I FOR SURE will never do the same to any of my kids.
Thanks for your post! ♥
Reading your post brought me to tears. Sixteen years is a lifetime for some. I can't imagine.
I am so sorry for the situation you have been dealing with.
I have to admit when I met my oldest daughter for our first lunch before I was nervous... I felt as if I were going on a first date. Was I wearing the right pair of jeans? Did my hair look good? It was so nerve-racking!
The thing that really upset me as this turmoil went on was one of my daughter's in-laws told her to just forget about it. Just let our relationship go. All I could think was.. if this were my daughter-in-law or sister-in-law or whatever the relationship was, I would tell her to talk to her relative. Make peace. Sort it out. It saddened me that someone who didn't know me or the entire situation could be so brutal and harsh.
My dad always told me... in every argument, divorce, etc there are three sides to the story. His, hers and the truth in the middle.
Thank you for understanding. I dont talk about it much. Mostly because it is negative and I try to avoid negativity, and partly because I am a little embarrassed about it. Seems like most women have great relationships with their parents...
Good for you trying to make it right and fix things! I think that is important! If they won't reciprocate that and make an effort to make things right, then at least you can rest easy knowing at least you tried.
I cant believe someone would tell your daughter to just forget it and give up on the situation. Especially an in-law! How callous. I know I would also encourage any of my kids' spouses to go and fix things. Life is too short to have negativity and dispute, especially within family.
Your dad was quite right, definitely three sides to every story, and no single person is ever to blame.
I think some people like drama though. Some people seem to thrive on bickering and strife. I have some in-laws that are constantly doing this amongst themselves, and it really seems like they enjoy it in a perverse way...
Sad that this is where society is heading...
True...
Thank you for this message. I have been carrying a thorn in my heart lately and I feel it digging deeper and deeper at times because of my pride and arrogance of not forgiving and letting go.
It hurts not just me but the people around me and I know I have to make amends and start the healing process but my stubbornness is getting in the way. Perhaps in another day I will find the strength to let go.
Awesome message. This is what I love about Steemit. These golden nuggets of wisdom that I would never probably see in Facebook just for the simple fact that we would have not connected.
Sorry you're going through your situation. It is heartbreaking and I am in awe of how much of it really happens. With the Easter weekend here, and all the family luncheons and celebrations it made me think more deeper into my soul about my own situation. Sometimes, no matter how hurtful, embarrassed or self-degrading you think it is, it helps to share. And honestly after making this post I feel as though more has been lifted from my heart, off my shoulders and I have given the pain to God.
I have had some issues with my own mom; but that is a normal mom-daughter thing. We get mad at each other then within a few days we are back to calling and texting. My parents are in their 70s and one day they will both be gone from this earth. I never want to leave an I love you or I'm sorry unspoken.
I hope you give it some thought and decide to take the step to rectify your own heartbreak soon. It will make you start to smile from deep within.
That must be tough, and I agree on what’s done is done, we cannot undo something. Nonetheless, for the people I love, I do think forgive by having mutual understanding is essential for this kinda situation. We do make blunders in our life and we can always improve on that. People who understand that will always have the patience to go through that dark times together.
Love needs a big heart and understand from every perspective. I am still a learner on this, hope you are doing well :)
Every day is a new day to bring positivity to the situation; and yes, all parties have to want the same end result to make it work.
Yup, sharing the similar vision is important to get everyone together. Similar with a company.
Keep the fighting spirit on :) take care.
Continue the Dispute is so hard to break. I think the rest takes care of itself if you just let it go. So often we forgive, but then we refuse to forget. The forgiveness lacks resolve if you fail to let go of the dispute. Thanks.
Oh so well stated. Such wisdom in those words.
If more people would stop and think like this... turmoil would be less, stress would be reduced and relationships could be saved.
All i can say is i love you for this post. Thamks for reminding us the importance of forgiveness. @goldendawne
I think some people tend to just move on... forget, etc. But this is too important to me; and to the girls.
Forgiveness is key to a happy family life. If certain issues are not addressed, they will not go away. They'll only get bigger and bigger and one day will blow up in your face. Having a good communication with your partner and kids allows you to touch some painful topics and find or work towards a solution together.
I agree... issues of disagreement just fester if you ignore them. This is not healthy for anyone involved.
i have deep seeded disagreements that lead to strife and misunderstandings often (if we let them) with one of my family members. for years i didn't go out of my way to talk to him, or kept it on the surface if i did.... for me, i have learned that we cannot change others and sometimes it's best just not to get into the conversations that cause the hurt, pain and disagreements. we don't have to open up to everyone about our true feelings/thoughts and we certainly don't have to entertain theirs. it's difficult wanting a certain type of experience in relationship and the feeling of settling for what is actually there, but it seems like making due with what you have is sometimes the only option. for me, it was also just a large part about becoming myself and choosing my responses/who i want to be. great post!
So true that you cannot change people who don't want to be changed. Kind of like when someone smokes and you nag them to quit... they don't. They HAVE to want to quit for it to be a success. The more you try and change someone (and their views or opinions) the more they fight it.
I feel like sometimes it is hard to forgive but afterwards I always feel better. However, know when to continue letting the person be part of your life and when to let go.
It can be a fine line sometimes, I agree.
But what happened was no something so traumatic that injury was incurred, or legal issues evolved. Simple misunderstandings that eventually grew to more.