The Colbert Report is now on Steemit with a -= Steemit Exclusive Report =-
Hello Steemit, welcome to the very first episode (on Steemit.com) of The Colbert Report.
Brought to you by Richard Colbert (aka @venuspcs).
Since this is the first video report I have ever done, I thought it would be fitting to start with the hardest report I will ever do.
For those of you who have read "My Life Story" on Steemit.com you know that my life hasn't always been easy. You will also be painfully aware that my mother had multiple personalities and all of them were crazy and abusive in one way or another.
But what you don't know, what I haven't released publicly until now is this:
About four and a half months ago my mother had a stroke and would up in the hospital in Rome, GA. While there they found out she was riddled with both Lung Cancer and Brain Cancer. She was at Floyd Medical Center for roughly a month before I was able to get her into a Nursing Home in Buchanan, GA. Several times over the following 2 months I went to visit her.
On my last visit to her two and a half months ago she begged me to pull my gun out and shoot her.....to end her suffering. I got so outraged and angry that she would ask anything of me, especially that....that I stormed out of the nursing home. That would be the last time I saw my mother alive.
A week later she called me and begged me to come get her out of the nursing home and take her somewhere, anywhere. I knew what she meant, she wanted me to drive her somewhere and kill her. So I told her I couldn't.
She never spoke another word after that phone call. Then on 4th of July, 2016 I got the call, the one I had been waiting on for almost two hours. I woke that morning knowing she was gone and sure enough she was.
Now all my life I swore I would throw a party when she died, but when she finally did I felt nothing but shame, regret, remorse....which then turned to anger and rage. I was furious that even in death she could destroy me, have power over me.
I felt guilty for not being there when she died, especially seeing as I drove within 10 miles of her 2 days before her passing, but because I had a military load on my truck that couldn't be left unattended I kept driving.
Fast forward to the 6th of July and I arrived, in the semi truck, to the nursing home to collect her possessions. What I found will haunt me for the rest of my days. In her night stand was numerous pieces of paper. For the last 3 weeks of her life, every time someone would come in her room she would scribble "help me" over and over.
I know in my heart that there is absolutely nothing anyone could have done to help her, legally, but the thought of her laying there for weeks begging for help is absolutely destroying me.
So for the last 6+ weeks I have been carrying her around with me in the semi truck, her ashes. Even though I couldn't be there when she passed and I couldn't put her out of her misery. I am determined to fulfill her life long dream.
For years before she died she begged me to take her on the truck with me, she wanted to travel. And numerous times through out my life she told me that when she died she wanted to be cremated and "fed to the fishies", her words!
I know after all she put me through, that I should feel nothing and I wished that was the case, but sadly it is not.
So I am sitting her now, in the semi, in Florida on I-95 on my way to the Port of Miami to deliver a load.
And I am praying, hoping, that tomorrow when I get there, that I can find the strength to spread her ashes, as she wished, in the Atlantic Ocean.
The one thing she gave me in life and perhaps the only thing to be honest is an insatiable survival instict. She made me stronger than virtually anyone alive. I had to be to endure her and I believe I will survive this as well.
Now the reason I am doing this report, for my first Colbert Report is two fold.
1.) I am hoping that sharing my story, my pain and my sorrow with others will, finally, help me start healing.
2.) I want to make sure that everyone who sees this video or reads these words knows that no matter how screwed up your family is, how badly they have treated you....you need to reconcile with them while you can. Trust me when I tell you that if you do not, when they die....it will be you that is left with the pain, the heartache and having to suffer for their mistakes in life.
The pain I am feeling defies all logic and the sorrow, regret and remorse defies all reasoning.
So whatever you do, make peace with your family while you can. Don't wait until tomorrow. Don't wait until "later"....DO IT NOW!
Because if you don't you will know heartache far worse than anything they have ever done to you once they are no longer alive.
You will get the strength. Yes, it will be hard. Take time. A lot of time. If it takes you an 20 minutes, or an hour and 20 minutes, that's fine.
Good luck.
Remember, scattering ashes is not scattering her soul. You're scattering only ashes. Her soul and memory lives on.
I still have my mom and dads ashes . Even though my dad left us when I was 5. My brother and I just never decided what to do with them. Its like there together now that their dead. Weve had them over 12 years now! But we did spread the ashes of my step dad, he loved the ocean, so thats were he now is. May they all rest in peace... Amen. 😇👼believe me when i say once you spread her ashes, you will be at peace...
I so hope you are right, cause this is excruciating!
Believe me im speaking from experience! The only way for you to find hapiness in life and move on, is to forgive and forget! Once you properly say your goodbyes as you release her to the ocean, and she is then gone .you will feel the freedom lift from your soul and you then find the peace you seek , in order to finally move on! 😉😇
hey man, listen i read your post and this is the first time we have spoken, but your post was amazing, just upvoted and i can tell you that what you talk about is so important !! I made peace with my mother just before she died , also of this God damned cancer. But it was the best thing i ever did i tell you, things were never that good between her and me. So listen you did the right thing concerning the gun, you are alive now !! How would you have felt seriously to have shot your own mother. Man this story is soooo tough as indeed you were not in a position to succeed either way !! Just get her ashes to her Ocean like she wanted. You are now her own Ferryman, but before you do. Just tell her that you loved her and explain your feelings on all of this terrible mess, tell her you understood her need, but were angry by this strangest of requests as you could not possibly do it. Believe you me she likely to be with your right now !! You don't see her, but believe you me she is there !! So make Peace with her and especially through this system yourself. Strength and honor to you from afar !!
Oh but that is just it, I do see her and hear her....I haven't slept in over 6 weeks because every time I lay down she starts raising cane wanting me to get it done. Hopefully, this all ends tomorrow and I can move on with my life.
well im sure, yes !! Tell me, you believe in spirits man??
just written a story on it give it a read if you like , it tanked here, too long i think and no pretty eye candy !! let me know !! positive protective thoughts are what you need right now !! find the words and the feelings, put them in your heart !! Come out the other side ok !! Life is beautiful, Death is probably better ! ; - ) take care on that road FerryMan !!
I see dead people!
No but seriously, ever since I was about 6 years old I have seen the dead, ghosts, trapped spirits that never moved on. I have helped a few "cross over" and recently even, while I was in Michigan, helped a fellow steemian talk to a lost loved one in Houston, TX that had just passed away.
go to @gomeravibz. please and read my story, you,ll see that we are both knower,s then indeed !! nice to meet you here anyway ! , - ) you seem like a good nut like me, a bit rough, but then us nuts always are on the outside eh?? be good to yourself you hear !! bye for now FerryMan ! : - )
Booom the Colbert Report is in da house!
that right there is Big Bad Steem ??
I hope you find peace, too. I once heard that holding bad feelings against another person is like swallowing poison and hoping that the other person will suffer. I agree--don't hold onto bad feelings.
Thanks for sharing this, Richard. It will get easier, I promise. I hope that your experience helps a lot of people.
Thank You!
May you find the peace you seek. Thank you for sharing.
Hopefully, tomorrow I will! Thanks for the vote!
Heavy shit venus.
Sorry your mother wasn't as good to you as you deserved.
No need to feel guilt man. You're good and at the end of the day you can't really do anything about this sorta thing. Chin up dude. As everything in life this too shall pass.
@klye: I am persona-non-grata on chat so would you mind posting the 2nd episode of "The Colbert Report" on a few of the rooms for me? Please!
Link: https://steemit.com/blog/@venuspcs/the-colbert-report-steemit-exclusive-episode-2
as someone who was raised in a family that has many on going battles with mental illness I feel for you, I feel no matter what happened in the past you must forgive her in your heart... some people don't get to chose to be who they are. Mental illness is hell for everyone involved .
At 36 now I haven't spoken to my father in over 10 years and have barely spent a few days worth of time with him since I was about 12 years old. I had to forgive him and make peace with our past long ago or it would have forever haunted me. Once I did my own battles with my own chemical imbalances (anxiety/depression/diet etc) where so much easier to deal with as they were no longer getting triggered as often by the stress of him being mentioned or father/son stuff on TV etc. Years later now my chemical imbalance has less and less control over my life compared to the wreck I was before I had found the strength to forgive my father... and myself . It was neither of "our faults" and accepting that was a huge part of what allowed myself to start move forward in life.
Thank you for sharing yourself like that and I hope you found some peace through the process, I know it always helps me deal with life.
Love to you
I forgave her years ago, guess I should have mentioned that.....but in the end (her end) it didn't mean jack diddly because I wasn't there for her....I couldn't help her.....she laid there for weeks unable to talk or move anything but her right arm and scribbled "help me help me" over and over whenever someone was around.....How am I supposed to deal with that, to get over that.....or for that matter, why in the hell is it bothering me in the first place.
So far making this video hasn't helped me. I feel worse now than I ever have and am terrified that come tomorrow I will be paralyzed, unable to even get out of bed much less drive this semi truck or spread her in the Atlantic Ocean.
PS - I haven't stopped crying for the last 3 days, ever since I found out I was finally heading to the ocean I have just kept hurting more and more.
I hope your doing alright and found the strength to spread her ashes and say good bye, I understand the guilt of not being there, or being able to help (as you said there was nothing you could do) Emotions can be unexpected... it's bothering you so much because you care, maybe all the emotions you've bottled up over the years are bubbling to the surface... Cry my friend... let them out.
@fonzerrellie: The Colbert Report Episode #2 - "Burial at Sea" is now up!
Wow,I didn't...know,but you are strong,you will overcome this moment.
No one did!
I almost skipped over this.... the title. I didn't....... I am so glad to have you back man. I don't have words right now... but you always do, and they are beautiful.
Thank You! If I can find the strength to get tomorrow behind me I think I am going to do a second "The Colbert Report" and show report from the Port of Miami as I feed her to the fishies.....but that is a big if as I am kind of f'ed up at the moment and it just keeps getting worse.