Steemit is Changing Me [Repost from June]
I posted this back in June and tbh I feel it was my breakout piece. And by breakout piece I don't necessarily mean monitarily (still waiting for that, actually.) What I mean is, it got the creative juices flowing in my head, allowed me to vent, didn't pressure me to be positive when I didn't feel like it, and reminded me that I can't keep running away from my problems. In addition, it helped me start to express myself better in my writing and while speaking.
I'm still struggling with depression, as anyone who read my post last week can easily tell, but since I've been expressing myself through writing more over the past couple months, I'm able to pull out of my slumps faster and for longer periods. I really think this piece kickstarted the healing process for me.
Here it is:
Photo source: pixabay.com
Being positive, for me, is often an ironic experience because I am not naturally an optimist. The truth is, I’m a dark, dark person and I’ve always been afraid to admit that – especially to myself.
I’ve written a couple articles here that present me as an upbeat, happy, forgiving person; probably one of those obnoxious people who always seem to find the good in everyone and everything. You know, a person who will gladly turn the other cheek after getting slapped; a person who will forgive even the most unforgivable, devious actions.
At work, I’m the one who showers everyone with a warm smile and good morning greeting, even on my worst days. I’m the one people ask for advice because, they say, I have my life together. They think I know all the answers. They never ask how I'm doing, probably because I must be doing great, judging by my smile.
What they don’t know about me is not hurting them, but it’s hurting me.
What if I’m a weak, passive-aggressive introvert who can’t stand up for myself? What if I do the opposite of what I tell everyone they should be doing? While I try to spit out positivity to everyone I meet, what if the truth is that I’m a hypocritical, cynical liar? Why am I wearing a mask?
I’m still trying to find my voice here on Steemit and with that quest has come immense internal struggle. Not because I’m frustrated that whales don’t upvote my posts. Not because people leave comments when they clearly didn’t even read what I spent valuable time and headspace writing. (I’m too nice to downvote those people BTW). Not because most people on here know all about cryptocurrencies and blockchains when I have no clue how they work. No, not any of those things. Those things will probably change with time and effort, I guess.
My time so far on Steemit has catapulted me into a darker place because it’s encouraging me to dig into who I am and ask myself what I’m doing with my life – in order to create quality content. It’s causing me to face things I have spent a lifetime avoiding. After all, I can’t just post cat memes and expect to be rewarded. I’m not a cat person anyway.
This dark place is uncomfortable and paralyzing. Why is it that a goddamn social media site is forcing me to face the demons in my head and work through them? Since when did social media become therapy?
I see how the platform works in general. It rewards hard work. It rewards excellence. It rewards passion. It rewards hobbies, talent, and skill.
What if I have no hobbies, talent, or skill? I can’t decide if I’m being dead honest with myself or if it’s my depressed ego talking. <-- That is just an example of one of the crippling, self-demoralizing thoughts that have been going through my head lately. Yeah, it sounds ignorant that I would think such a thing, now that I see it typed out in front of me.
If I’m honest with myself, I have so much to work through internally before I can finally blossom as a person, not to mention on Steemit. I can feel the pain of my past gushing from the pores in my skin as I type this. I’m ridding myself of the toxins that have built up during the past 32 years.
If you’re reading this, you will probably have to put up with several more awkward posts before I get into my stride and act like a normal person. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm not a normal person. I've always been told to fake it until I make it and to stop being so negative. Well, I haven't made it yet. What now??
While I'm figuring all that out, I hope you enjoy the dark side. Fuck you, positivity.
My experience is that as you grow older (in your thirties and onwards) you just have to learn to appreciate the "calm" months or years. There's always some shit thrown at you. A parent dies, you get a kid (which is not shit, but it means constant worry) , you find a lump somewhere and you are sure you will die of cancer. Your back is hurting, you work to much, etc etc. There's just a constant stream of shit being thrown at you. That is life. How you deal with it determines your life quality. The parent dying is easier than you think, your kid is OK, the lump was probably something else, and money isn't that important.
I just think I've gotten so much better at parry (parrying?) all the shit that's thrown at me. Sure, I get anxiety sometimes, even depressed. But the more you talk to people about profound shit like this, you realize that every-bloody-one goes through the same shit. We're all out there in the shitstorm that is life.
It's stressful at times, scary and even paralyzing sometimes. But sometimes it's just mellow and quite too. I've learned to REALLY enjoy myself when things are calm. That way I have strength when the shit is raining.
Imagine, EVERY person you every see, with no exception, will at some point in life feel exactly as you do. Everyone will lose someone close, everyone will get some sort of disease and die (some lucky bastard will probably quietly die in his/her sleep at 100 years old, but I wouldn't count on it).
You're still fairly young, and the process you're in now where you feel you're cleaning yourself is going to continue. It is indeed a healing process from all the abuse most people have been going through in a sick society that we've been adjusted to our entire life.
I am so grateful for your comment, @scandinavianlife.
I think amidst the desolation we feel while depressed, we tend to forget that we are all going through this life together and facing the same types of challenges.
I was "let go" from my last job because the new owner wanted all of his employees to be 'joyous'; read happy shiny positive smiley outgoing. I don't believe in being fake, and I'm not a good actress.
In my field of work, which i have been in most of my adult life, any other job skill I possess is now quickly becoming secondary to an ability to act like an extrovert. Socially, it's sort of there too. I feel like who I am is not good enough, somehow not ok, that from now on I will only be tolerated and rewarded for extroverted qualities.
If true, that scenario screws about thirty percent of our population, if not more.
i'm half convinced that the pressure to do this - to be a happy, positive, warm, outgoing person in public, to pretend to emotions we don't have and suppress any negative emotions on a daily basis just to meet our basic needs - this societal expectation is what leads people to depression and anxiety. especially if a person happens to be slightly or momentarily mentally unstable, emotionally fragile or heaven forbid, introverted.
this mentality of positive conformity, where we are expected to be positive and happy all the time, to act like we have it together when our private lives fall apart, sets a dangerous precedent because it tells our internal self that business is more important than happiness, that money is more important than honesty, that who we are, what we feel and believe, doesn't matter to others. this is untrue.
i'm not saying being gloomy all the time is ok, no one wants that. but it should be ok to be human, to have a shit day once in a while. when everyone goes around denying emotion, we forget to process. we become the walking wounded. we smile and nod and zone out, forget to listen because we are overwhelmed. we can't handle any more pain. we forget how to let ourselves feel, how to deal calmly with inner and outer conflict because we are too busy and too inundated with expectations and trying to survive to process a decade of emotion.
No let's not talk about resolution or compromise, because you might have a different opinion. we might become angry. Let's just bomb or sue the hell out of each other and call it quits, let the grand kids clean up the mess.
~
"What if I have no hobbies, talent, or skill?" I have felt this a thousand times. You can write, that's a start. develop skills. focus on what you want to do, EMBRACE the huge f-ing learning curve, because ain't nobody gonna do it for you. they will help, if you ask the right person. be punk. do the best you can do as long as it is honest and passionate and heartfelt. go on an adventure to discover who you are, who you want to be. be you!
positive thinking is ok, being dark and moody is too. as long as you allow yourself to feel and heal.
my advice? fuck expectations, even your own, and anyone else who tells you that you have no right to feel or be who you are.
It sounds like we should be going into business together. :)
Which part of Colorado do you live in? I lived in Denver for 17 years and Colorado Springs for almost a year.
outside of boulder. with the goats and the chickens :)
Nederland, Longmont, or somewhere around that area? I used to go to all those places all the time.
Screw being normal, just be whatever feels natural. I don't consider myself an optimist, but I feel much more optimistic and at peace just being who I am and not worrying about what other people think or want from me. I don't necessarily reject criticism, but I don't let it eat me like it used to. Just be authentic and if people like it, they'll stick around, if not, you don't want them around you.
I agree; screw being normal. :)
I second that!!
I was just thinking the same thing today about "when did social media become therapy" it definitely has been for me as well.
It's a new age we are living in. :)
I don't mind at all reading about your "dark side" and negative thoughts. I think it's brave of you to share your struggles and I hope many others will be inspired to do the same. Writing down the problems you've gone through and maybe getting some genuine comments about them is a excellent kind of therapy in my opinion! :)
There is no need for trying to be someone bubbly and positive and posting about your talents (I'm sure you have some even if you don't think so yourself at the moment), there are plenty of people doing that. The world needs more people who dare to show their true self and talk about their problems. Everyone has a dark side and some negativity but if everyone would be open about it then I think people would get better at dealing with their negative emotions. Being honest is maybe not a talent but it is a great feature that you definitely do have! You're awesome just the way you are :)
Do you have any friends or family that you've been able to talk about your feelings and depression with? Or is this the first time you're opening up about them?
Take care and thank you for being brave, honest and helping others struggling with similar things!
My closest family members know what's going on with me and most of the time don't make me feel bad for being how I am.
I've always been the bluntly honest type, which has quite often caused me to ruin romantic moments and such. Now I find myself looking back and laughing at my awkwardness and cynical nature. :D
I think a lot of problems could be solved by people simply being more open and honest without being condescending or judgmental. It's such a fine line to walk that most people can't manage it. It's an interesting world we live in for sure.
You don't like cats? Wha? Maybe that's your problem? Just kidding of course. You're allowed to not like cats. :-)
I start blogs thinking I'm going to change everything in my life and start writing about it and that will be interesting. But then I don't actually change anything so I don't have anything interesting to write about.
Is it all about the people you surround yourself with? Find more authentic people and you can be your more authentic self? How many people are presenting their authentic selves? Is it even possible in today's world if you are not independently wealthy? When will we be free to say whatever the f#%& we want without facing serious consequences?
I should end this on a positive note right? I think too many of us are hiding out and it's just getting so damn boring. Our fake selves interact with other people's fake selves and it's like watching a bad sitcom or something.
We all need to be a bit braver and tell the truth and your Steemit blog is a great start. :-) Sorry for the gratuitous positivity.
Hehe...my 3 dogs would have a fit if they heard me say I like cats. Really, I don't mind them though. :D
As authentic as I try to be on my blog, I still feel like my persona here is somewhat manufactured. There are a couple family members here who follow my blog and on some level, that limits what I'm able to communicate. The other problem (for lack of a better word) is, other people (mainly whales) have to approve of or somehow appreciate our posts in order to give an upvote, which means that as writers, we're encouraged to conform to others' interests and points of view so our time and efforts see $ rewards.
If I posted absolutely everything on my mind without caring, well, that would be extremely interesting. I've thought about signing up for a separate account without connecting myself to it to see how that would go.
Yes, attaching your name or picture to a blog is always a bit of a risk. I have found that those blogs that are a little bit too honest eventually wind up disappearing or show up privacy protected and then I am left forever wondering what happened to those people. I guess the blockchain is forever, that's a bit scary.
same here. But I am using reverse method:
Every time I realise that situation is shit, I'm just imagining how can things go worse, much worse, like 140% bad =)
Believe me or not, the situation that I'm in, normally turns out to be really cool and I normally become happy that it's only this tiny bad that could happen =)
I'm one of those obnoxious people who always sees sunshine and it drives people insane and they want to punch me or think I'm lying. I have a really hard time understanding depression because I'm so darn optimistic and busy expecting good things to happen - even at the worst of times.
But! Writing like this exposes everyone's demons to a degree. Mine too, for sure. We are not used to communicating so openly and so deeply until we start blogging.
The good news is that here on Steemit, we have people to interact with. Imagine a person starting their own blog - like I did 6 years ago. It takes a long time to get any traffic out there. Here we have a community - not fully functional, but still.
I'm glad you are working through things, my friend. Going through it now will help you in the long run even if it's not too fun right now.
Depression is the worst.
Yes :(