I was "let go" from my last job because the new owner wanted all of his employees to be 'joyous'; read happy shiny positive smiley outgoing. I don't believe in being fake, and I'm not a good actress.

In my field of work, which i have been in most of my adult life, any other job skill I possess is now quickly becoming secondary to an ability to act like an extrovert. Socially, it's sort of there too. I feel like who I am is not good enough, somehow not ok, that from now on I will only be tolerated and rewarded for extroverted qualities.

If true, that scenario screws about thirty percent of our population, if not more.

i'm half convinced that the pressure to do this - to be a happy, positive, warm, outgoing person in public, to pretend to emotions we don't have and suppress any negative emotions on a daily basis just to meet our basic needs - this societal expectation is what leads people to depression and anxiety. especially if a person happens to be slightly or momentarily mentally unstable, emotionally fragile or heaven forbid, introverted.

this mentality of positive conformity, where we are expected to be positive and happy all the time, to act like we have it together when our private lives fall apart, sets a dangerous precedent because it tells our internal self that business is more important than happiness, that money is more important than honesty, that who we are, what we feel and believe, doesn't matter to others. this is untrue.

i'm not saying being gloomy all the time is ok, no one wants that. but it should be ok to be human, to have a shit day once in a while. when everyone goes around denying emotion, we forget to process. we become the walking wounded. we smile and nod and zone out, forget to listen because we are overwhelmed. we can't handle any more pain. we forget how to let ourselves feel, how to deal calmly with inner and outer conflict because we are too busy and too inundated with expectations and trying to survive to process a decade of emotion.

No let's not talk about resolution or compromise, because you might have a different opinion. we might become angry. Let's just bomb or sue the hell out of each other and call it quits, let the grand kids clean up the mess.

~

"What if I have no hobbies, talent, or skill?" I have felt this a thousand times. You can write, that's a start. develop skills. focus on what you want to do, EMBRACE the huge f-ing learning curve, because ain't nobody gonna do it for you. they will help, if you ask the right person. be punk. do the best you can do as long as it is honest and passionate and heartfelt. go on an adventure to discover who you are, who you want to be. be you!

positive thinking is ok, being dark and moody is too. as long as you allow yourself to feel and heal.

my advice? fuck expectations, even your own, and anyone else who tells you that you have no right to feel or be who you are.