Jeff Haden's "9 Qualities of Remarkably Confident People" - A Critique

9 Qualities of Remarkably Confident People from Inc's website.

I REALLY like the article but...It's not correct. Before you get up in arms because you liked it to, please consider my comments below. My apologies to Mr. Haden - I'm not trying to show him up or anything like that.

I am not an expert on emotional intelligences, although I have learned about and done presentations about them.

(All quotes are from Jeff Haden's article and I own no rights to them. If Mr. Haden and/or Inc. doesn't appreciate me quoting so much of the article, please let me know and I'll happily adjust it according to your wishes.)

What he has actually done is taken several different qualities that are aspects of interpersonal (social adroitness) and intrapersonal (emotional maturity) intelligences, and projected them as defining confidence when many of those things are not about confidence. He is defining what he wants someone who is confident to be like, not "confidence" itself. I suspect that someone who learned to be the person he described would find it very advantageous. It's probably a blueprint for the type of person he'd hire, want to hang out with, or emulate. I commend him on writing about such a worthy role model! What follows may not jibe with everyone's thoughts on the topics presented, and that's okay. If we all thought the same way, life would be...hmmm...lacking in diversity of thought and creativity.

I'm like Jeff: situationally confident. I'm the smartest person in the room...when I'm alone! 🤣 I understand that sometimes you have to put on a confident face to make sure the situation doesn't go sideways and, when giving good advice, you have to do that and know how to influence a person such that they'll trust you and use that advice to their benefit.

"1. They take a stand not because they think they are always right, but because they are not afraid to be wrong."
Agreed, but many times people take a stand and do not even consider the possibility that they are wrong.

Cocky and conceited people tend to take a position and then proclaim, bluster, and totally disregard differing opinions or points of view. They know they're right--and they want (actually, they need) you to know it, too.

Cocky and conceited are synonymous. People who are opinionated and closed-minded will ignore differing opinions. If you are not good at putting yourself in someone else's shoes, you'll be unaware of other points of view. Yes, cocky people can be this way, but it doesn't always mean they won't change their mind when presented with a convincing argument.

Their behavior isn't a sign of confidence, though; it's the hallmark of an intellectual bully.

An intellectual bully condescends, patronizes and generally looks down their noses at others as being intellectually inferior. Conceited people also do this, but it may have to do with other factors, too, such as socio-economic factors, religion, racism, and other ways people segregate. An intellectual bully (I know some) may or may not be confident, but they are more likely arrogant or narcissistic (or hurting inside and needing affirmation).

Truly confident people don't mind being proved wrong. They feel finding out what is right is a lot more important than being right. And when they're wrong, they're secure enough to back down graciously.

Confident ≠ doesn't mind being proved wrong. That is open-mindedness and being willing to learn. You can be confident or not and still have that trait.

Truly confident people often admit they are wrong or don't have all the answers; intellectual bullies never do.

This is not really about confidence. It's about being willing to listen, subsume your ego, consider differing viewpoints and re-evaluate your position. You don't need confidence to do that.

"2. They listen 10 times more than they speak."
Someone who listens a lot may be wise, teachable, seeking knowledge, ideas and viewpoints, and they may do it because it's part of their job to listen (like customer service and psychology). Listening is not related to confidence. It is a conscious choice we make that, over time, can become a habit.

Bragging is a mask for insecurity. Truly confident people are quiet and unassuming. They already know what they think; they want to know what you think.

Yes, bragging comes from insecurity and a desire for attention/validation. Confident people are not necessarily quiet and unassuming.

So they ask open-ended questions that give other people the freedom to be thoughtful and introspective: They ask what you do, how you do it, what you like about it, what you learned from it, and what they should do if they find themselves in a similar situation.

People seeking knowledge do this, absolutely, as do those who are seeking alternative viewpoints. Debriefing in the classroom after an activity is an excellent thing to do; students share different perspectives on what was learned, thus awaking other students to points they missed, and the teacher can add anything that was missed by the class, plus receive valuable feedback as to whether the goals were achieved or the activity needs to be revised or replaced. Unfortunately, there are other types of people who do this, too, and it isn't for good reasons. Closed-minded people do this only to find points they can use to defeat the opposing viewpoint(s).

Truly confident people realize they know a lot, but they wish they knew more, and they know the only way to learn more is to listen more.

That's an aspect of self-mastery. Bragging can show a lack of confidence - insecurity - it's true. That person craves validation but doesn't know how to get it correctly. There is no correlation between how chatty you are and how confident you are. I've seen some very nervous people who talk all the time, and some other very nervous people who don't talk at all - it's how they deal with their anxiety that determines their loquaciousness, and probably also whether they're intro- or extroverted. I would say that a person who listens and asks open-ended questions is someone who likes to understand others. It takes maturity, curiosity and some self-mastery to do this, for example, but confidence? Not so much.

"3. They duck the spotlight so it shines on others."
Ducking the spotlight is not necessarily because of confidence. People who duck the spotlight may be humble, shy, lack assertiveness, be introverted or even have social anxiety or stage fright. There are other reasons, such as being noble or altruistic, or even because of negative reasons, like having been threatened or bribed. It might even be that the person must avoid the spotlight out of necessity (a fugitive or a person in the witness protection program).

Perhaps it's true they did the bulk of the work. Perhaps they really did overcome the major obstacles. Perhaps it's true they turned a collection of disparate individuals into an incredibly high-performance team.

Truly confident people don't care--at least they don't show it. (Inside they're proud, as well they should be.) Truly confident people don't need the glory; they know what they've achieved.

Confidence can counter the challenges that prevent some people from saying, "I did that," but being humble is a choice and they may be trying to make sure others get recognition, especially if they already get a lot and don't want to hog the glory. They may see that certain other people desperately need the accolades. That is not confidence - that's generosity, kindness, caring, altruism, supportiveness, etc.

They don't need the validation of others, because true validation comes from within.

Yes, true validation does come from within. When you are confident in your abilities, you don't need accolades to see what's obvious. Confidence and having accepted yourself are critical for this.

So they stand back and celebrate their accomplishments through others. They stand back and let others shine--a confidence boost that helps those people become truly confident, too.

This is another aspect of self-mastery - being willing to give up the limelight to others. I'm a case in point - if someone compliments me I tend to feel uncomfortable. They may also be doing it because they want someone else to gain confidence by being recognized for their achievements.

"4. They freely ask for help."
It takes courage to ask for help, and a lack of an overblown sense of pride, independence and/or ego. Anyone who has ever taught, coached, trained, mentored, etc. knows this, especially since they were once the student.

Many people feel asking for help is a sign of weakness; implicit in the request is a lack of knowledge, skill, or experience.

My mom is incredibly independent and it is SO hard for her to ask for help because she was raised that way. She suffers from dementia and knows it, but it is so hard for her to accept my offers of assistance even though she's making her situation worse. Asking for help is, indeed, felt as a sign of weakness. But this is not about confidence.

Confident people are secure enough to admit a weakness. So they often ask others for help, not only because they are secure enough to admit they need help but also because they know that when they seek help they pay the person they ask a huge compliment.

People who are not confident may ask for help all the time, too, but they may not if they think they'll get negative attention (like ridicule, punishment, bullying, etc.). If your desire to learn is stronger than your pride, you can build up the courage to ask for help.

Saying "Can you help me?" shows tremendous respect for that individual's expertise and judgment. Otherwise, you wouldn't ask.

Yes, asking for help shows respect for the other person. Unfortunately, we often ask help of people who are not qualified to help and advise us. "Don't ask a mechanic how to fix your heart. You'll probably end up with a paint job, a v6 in your chest and twin tailpipes!" 😆

"5. They think, "Why not me?""
This is assertiveness, hunger (for advancement, acknowledgement), and to take that step requires courage more than confidence.

Many people feel they have to wait: to be promoted, to be hired, to be selected, to be chosen--like the old Hollywood cliché [sic], to somehow be discovered.

Indeed.

Truly confident people know that access is almost universal. They can connect with almost anyone through social media. (Everyone you know knows someone you should know.) They know they can attract their own funding, create their own products, build their own relationships and networks, choose their own path--they can choose to follow whatever course they wish.

It takes courage to connect, and confidence is part of that. Yet, in order to be able to connect with almost anyone, it takes a large amount of social adroitness (note, it only takes certain aspects of emotional maturity as some psychopaths and serial killers have proven). You can also "fake it 'til you make it," a phrase I find too negative to endorse. They also have to have been trained, learned or realized that such a thing is even possible. This also speaks of entrepreneurial characteristics, which are not taught in most families and certainly not in most schools and universities.

And very quietly, without calling attention to themselves, they go out and do it.

Yes, this is confidence, and courage, but what is the source of the confidence? Is it preparation, skills and knowledge, or a blind certainty of success?

"6. They don't put down other people."
I see why Jeff has connected confidence to not insulting others because insecurity is its opposite and is often associated with verbal abuse. Yet, it also takes self-control, kindness, empathy and an understanding of the impact of verbal abuse.

Generally speaking, the people who like to gossip, who like to speak badly of others, do so because they hope by comparison to make themselves look better.

Yes, this is true, but I think there are other reasons, such as a desire to damage another person's reputation, or a professional tactic (e.g. politicians seem to think that mud-slinging is acceptable, despite the fact that citizens follow these bad examples). Some people have a mean streak that causes them to try to make others miserable...because they are.

The only comparison a truly confident person makes is to the person she was yesterday--and to the person she hopes to someday become.

There is no proportional, exponential or inverse causation between confidence and bullying that I can think of. People who put down others are hurting inside - they were abused in some way and are lashing out. No one has taught them their true worth, how to heal the damage, and they will pass on those traits to people around them - especially their kids and people over whom they have major influence. They may also be modeling the behavior of a someone they looked up to. Look at Gordon Ramsey - the man is a bully on his show, but he's also very confident because, when it comes to cooking, he's very talented. And arrogant. There are certainly valid reasons that a person will make a comparison but in education comparing two students is definitely frowned on and, if a comparison makes one person look inferior to another, this will cause resentment towards both the speaker and the other person.

"7. They aren't afraid to look silly..."

Running around in your underwear is certainly taking it to extremes, but when you're truly confident, you don't mind occasionally being in a situation where you aren't at your best.

Yes, confident people may not be worried about looking silly, but not always and not every confident person. Some people hold so strongly to decorum, etiquette and image that they don't ever want to be caught in a compromising position. This is more about humility and a sense of humor.

(And, oddly enough, people tend to respect you more for this--not less.)

Some do, some don't. Depends on how they view such things. If this weren't true, there probably wouldn't be lots of articles in tabloids that embarrass this person or that.

"8. ...And they own their mistakes."
This article of mine might be a mistake! I'm going out on a limb and hoping for the best. Does it take confidence to own your mistakes? I suppose, but moreso - again - courage, humility and honesty. The wisest will use it as a teaching moment for others, exposing their own weaknesses to help them.

Insecurity tends to breed artificiality; confidence breeds sincerity and honesty.

Yes, I can see insecurity leading to artificiality because you build up masks and walls around yourself in a vain attempt to hide your perceived faults. Confidence, however, does not necessarily breed sincerity and honesty. Con artists are a great example of this. The best are very (con)fident and fake sincerity and honesty well, but it's all a sham. Honesty doesn't come from confidence; I know because I chose to be honest and sincere as a child - long before I had confidence.

That's why truly confident people admit their mistakes. They dine out on their screwups. They don't mind serving as a cautionary tale. They don't mind being a source of laughter--for others and for themselves.

When you're truly confident, you don't mind occasionally "looking bad." You realize that that when you're genuine and unpretentious, people don't laugh at you.

They laugh with you.

This is closely related to #7.

Maturity and a sense of accountability are also involved. Look at kids - especially teens - and how often they will deny responsibility for their own actions. You don't need confidence to do this, but you need courage to admit your mistakes. This is especially a trait of introspective people, although they might lack the courage to say so, or be too proud.

"9. They seek approval only from the people who really matter."
See #3's comment about this. You'll tend to seek their approval because you respect their opinion and want their feedback.

You say you have 10,000 Twitter followers? Swell. 20,000 Facebook friends? Cool. A professional and social network of hundreds or even thousands? That's great.

But that also pales in comparison to earning the trust and respect of the few people in your life who truly matter.

That's true. Looking at the number of socmed followers does not indicate your quality as a person - it only indicates their interest in some aspect of you. Being an amazing athlete, a virtuoso singer or musician, a stellar actress, the top scientist, the most eloquent writer or the best politician does not mean you deserve trust and respect - expect for in those area you have mastered without being underhanded. Having the trust and respect of those who are important to you is far more important than the accolades of the masses. What point if those closest to you despise you or feel abandoned by you? Yeah, this relates to confidence, but also self-image.

When you earn their trust and respect, no matter where you go or what you try, you do it with true confidence--because you know the people who truly matter the most are truly behind you.

I'm afraid this is a non-sequitur. Having people back you may give you confidence - and courage - but there are other things that may give you confidence

We have come to the end of my commentary on Mr. Haden's article. Honestly, I have no problem with him trying to promote such a positive image to be emulated. I hope people will aspire to such greatness - just so long as they understand it's not even 50% about confidence.

Again, I'm very open to feedback, so please leave comments! I definitely realize I didn't hit every soft skill involved in what he described, and probably made some mistakes, too! 😳

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