Mending Fences
I have a very specific goal today. It is to communicate the following boundary:
No.
While this seems simple, I have actually communicated this same boundary many times over the last several weeks. It has never been heard.
I have reason to believe this time it will. That terrifies me.
Perhaps I have hedged before this and that's why the "no" was not accompanied by a numbing level of terror. I spent the morning in contemplation, thinking how I can make this word audible. I considered the scream it in their face approach, but I want to minimize pushback. That approach is also not my style.
I don't want it to feel like this.
So, honesty it is.
Dear Person,
I care for you but I can't trust you no matter how much I tell myself otherwise or make excuses for why you chose to treat me the way you did. Your actions hurt me and changed our relationship permanently. You found the destruct button and you hit it hard. I don't feel safe with you in my life. We can't be friends. I will appreciate it if you do not ask me again. I will not answer you if you do. I'm sorry if this hurts you.
Goodbye.
And then I hope I found the right exit.
I can't predict what response I will receive. I cannot afford the energy imagining the possibilities. What I can do is be as kind as possible while putting myself first. Would it surprise you to know I feel trepidation about this interaction but zero guilt?
Knowing this is what I will and should do does not make it any easier. As I have said before, knowing a person is toxic to you does not immediately undo the love you have for them. Even though this individual hurt me well beyond any pain I could imagine from a friend, I still care for them and their well-being. I wish I could be there for them, but I no longer want to be there. And I'm okay with this.
Meanwhile, I have some work to do on myself. I am not the only person who hasn't been hearing me. It is time to turn inward and reconnect with my intuition/inner wisdom/higher self. I have some fences to mend.
Many of you have broken toxic ties. Right now, I would love your wisdom. Any help, examples or support will go a long way with me today. This is a hard process. I know I can handle it, but I am still afraid.
If it helps to hear it from the outside - You're a brave, beautiful person. I know it's hard and scary. And you're doing the right thing.
Tools:
You've got this, I know you do.
Aww. My heart feels this! Thank you!
You have my support, friend. For me, any time I've had to break ties with someone I've been emotionally invested in, especially if it's a deep, lasting investment, it's been hard. No amount of well-wishing and platitude repetition helped. I wish I could offer more, but it is something you will have to come to terms with yourself. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.
Thank you, @anarcho-andrei! This has been a difficult process.
You have to do what is right for you.
Thank you.
Pain is one of life's ways to reveal truth, it exposes our most inner truths. Pain breaks us down to a place of vulnerability. However it is pain where we discover who we are, and also where we find our strengths. It is about getting back up after been knocked down, not allowing pain and past experiences to change who we are, never letting it change our identity.
I agree. I am stronger because of this. A better version of myself.
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@perspective
I can relate to this. I had several toxic friends and it was hard saying goodbye.
I just cut the bond, stopped every communication - no goodbye whatsoever because like you said..
It does make you scared at first but dare to do it and you'll be by freedom's door. The moment I did, I could breathe again and felt so free. Good luck.
The type of people who push boundaries to the max, they know that they are doing wrong but they don't know your reaction to the wrong-that's why they do it.
The reaction to certain types of behaviour should always result in a major change in the dynamic of the relationship. If the change is made instantly then it is possible to remain friends-at a distance-while the person seeks help but if the bad behaviour is ignored, or forgiven without consequence and then escalates, eventually the only solution is to cut off all ties because this becomes the only way that you can help the person, whilst protecting yourself.