I don't want to have an affair
My friend had an affair and his marriage is over. If my partner had an affair, our marriage would be over. Affairs are antithetical to the consent between married couples. They are a breach of trust, which is what makes the marriage wheel go round in my opinion.
I don't want to have an affair, and that's what I mean when I say I want to open my marriage.
Hang on. I know what you're thinking. If I don't open my marriage, does this mean I will have an affair? Absolutely not. As I've said, my commitment is to my husband and what we have together. What I'm saying is I want to share every detail with him.
When I posted my confession that I'd like to try casual sex and polyamory, you gave me some great tips. The most frequent was transparency. You are right.
If I am going to take another sexual partner or engage in casual sex, my man has to be 1) in support of it, and 2) know everything, every feeling, every whisper of good or bad that happens.
So my next question for you is, what are the trickiest parts of transparency? Pitfalls, benefits, etc. If you've already written about it, please drop me a link.
For context: [https://steemit.com/relationships/@honeyscribe/i-ve-never-had-casual-sex-and-i-want-to-open-my-marriage]
Most people are not emotionally mature enough to survive an open marriage. They just aren't. Most are just too possessive, too insecure. They will always wonder,,,,,are they better, does he/she love them more, etc. One thing I do think........you have made up your mind that you need it, you can't stop thinking about it. Sexual wants are a powerful thing. If you aren't strong enough, it will suck you in like a vortex. Resist the kavorka. Resist the lure of the animal.
Those are valid questions and concerns. I have seen counseling for couples who want to confront those issues and determine whether the foundation of their relationship can handle the shake this type of shift would make. Many marriages don't survive. What I have learned from friends in this situation is that it is based 100% on communication.
Communication is key. The people here who think marriage cannot be open may have a bias with faith, religion, or ignorance to the fact that other cultures view things differently.
There is no such thing as an open marriage. You lose the value of marriage as soon as it becomes open.
I disagree. I think we all get to define our marriage commitment, and that happens within each union.
You only say that because you want it to be ok. I bet if your husband told you the day of your wedding he would possibly want to venture out down the road, you wouldn't have married him.
And how do you know what her husband may or may not think? - I think it's great and all that you're having your opinion but the world doesn't revolve around the small confines of your own little head.
Perhaps if you opened it up a little and let loose of that control you may see the world a bit differently? :)
Just a suggestion. No offence.
I know a few couples who do have open marriages, and they are happier for it. Most of them had the arrangement before they were married though. As for the ones that later decided to try, they talked about it and did consider if divorce would be an option. They didn't divorce because it wasn't in both of their interests. I do know a few couples that tried an open marriage and it defiantly didn't work either.
Defining your marriage commitment is one thing. Letting another man park his car in your special parking place, that's a whole different commitment. What you are looking for is to have sex with other men and for your husband to be ok with it. If the shoe was on the other foot what would the outcome be?
Park his car. Love it.
The value of marriage is relative and subjective. Marriage that is just based on sexual monogamy is shallow and doomed even without infidelity because it isn't based on more important values like honesty, trust, commitment, compassion, adventure and friendship. Would you also consider masturbation a detriment to marriage?
I think it is very silly you are considering being with someone else and you are married.. I am sorry if this sounds rude, but it is people like you that have caused the whole idea of marriage to be so common and not a big deal. Marriage is about devoting yourself to one person for the rest of your life and IS a big deal. You obviously lied during your vows if you are considering this. Get divorced if you aren't happy. Marriage isn't about sex and it sounds like that is what your marriage has come to.
You don't get to define what marriage is. Not for for her.
There is only one rule in life and that is to be happy. She is doing the right thing by talking to her husband and doing it together.
It is not put to you to judge her.
Thank you, @knircky!
When you get married, there isn't a part that says..hey yeah if you decide down the road you wan to be with someone else..it's all good. I am not defining marriage, eveyrone agrees to the same thing when they get married. I am not judging, I was giving my opinion. She can do whatever she chooses and I will be perfectly happy.
"but it is people like you that have caused the whole idea of marriage to be so common and not a big deal" - sounds like that's very judgemental of you to me.
I ask a deeper question - why does this post hurt so much?
If you're in the Bay Area, @stephthegeek and I would be happy to meet with you and the hubby to chat about our experiences.
This is what I like to see on here!
One question to sort out in your mind, up front:
If your husband says no. Absolutely not. No sex with anybody but him, ever, for the rest of your life (or his if he dies first). He is not down with an open marriage...
Will this eat away at you? Will you lay awake at night wondering and fantasizing about other sexual partners? Will you be strongly tempted to cheat? Will you eventually hit a breaking point where you feel like your husband is controlling, insecure, and is depriving you of something that you think you have a right to experience? Will you divorce him?
Will him saying "Hell no" destroy your marriage, or will you just shrug and go on with your normal, monogamous marital sex life?
Affaire for me is no go, one love one life
Do you believe that two people who love each other can open that love to include another?
Two people who love each other do not need another person
100%
+1
Love can be only once in your life! Everything else is self-deception. Thanks for the post!
Thank you for reading!
In my opinion, you are best off "opening your marriage" with another happily married couple. That way you can all feel comfortable in each other's attraction to the other couple's partners.
Also you have the benefits of being able to hook up with them as genuine friends and not just sex hookups.
Finding yourself in this situation is another matter! :-)
Cg
That does sound more appealing to me, although I have no interest in being with another man.
Set out rules beforehand, between you and your partner and then between the two partners. You can start by having a look but no touch, or a look and light touch rule. Whereby the two couples are having fun with their own partners in close proximity to each other.
If you feel comfortable you can take it further, always making sure that you have the caveat that anybody can stop at anytime and that you shall remain lighthearted in that situation.
There are many levels to opening your marriage, don't forget that the brain is the largest sexual organ, and sometimes all you need is a hint of a situation to spice up your sex life (not that you suggest it needs spicing up) for months to come! :-D
EDIT: To add to that, if you do find yourself in that situation, take the female of the partnership aside and set the rules out with her first. Then later the two of you together set them out in front of the men; trust me, they'll go with whatever you guys have agreed :-D
Cg
Cg
I've got a few different perspectives on this, based on both personal experience, and the experiences of people I know. One....two good friends of mine from college got married, and decided 15 years into their marriage to open it. The wife ended up falling in love with her boyfriend, and she and her husband got divorced. He was pretty bitter about it.
Two--my middle step-son has been involved in a polyamorous relationship for years. It's him, another guy, and a woman. They even all three own a house together. They kept things just between the three of them for a long time, but have recently "opened" the relationship, and are now dating other people. In fact, my step-son and the other guy in the relationship are dating sisters. Yet, the original three still maintain their commitment to each other. It's interesting, but it seems to work for them.
Third--I wrote something kind of on this subject early on in my Steemit career (which, granted, is just 3 1/2 weeks so far). I've encouraged my husband to have sex with other women almost from the beginning of our marriage. It's just something I was always okay with from the start, and, interestingly, his second wife (the one just before me) had the same arrangement with him. I don't know. Maybe he inspires it in women, or something.
I wrote about my reasons for encouraging him to have sex with other women. You can read about it here:
https://steemit.com/anarchism/@stephmckenzie/getting-girlfriends-for-my-husband-why-i-encourage-him-to-sleep-with-other-women
I also want a divorce, but that has NOTHING to do with the "encouraging him to have sex with other women" thing. That was perfectly okay with me, and even something I wanted him to do, LONG before I became dissatisfied with being married. Oddly, part of the reason I no longer want to be married is that I can't stand dealing with his insane jealousy anymore....and I've never even kissed another man in the 20 years we've been married. Yet, he's always accusing me of having affairs, and I've never done it. I can't get him to believe me, though. Paranoia is part of his mental health diagnosis. The jealousy and emotional abuse that comes with it has kind of turned me off of the whole idea of marriage in general.
Thank you so much for this! I commented on your post. :)
I'm glad my comment was useful to you, and also glad you enjoyed my post that I linked to. It always helps to get the perspective of someone who's had similar experiences to the one you're considering.
@honeyscribe, rather than communication, I think it would be more important to have your foundations secure, i.e:
You are really in love with your husband and he is really in love with you. Not just that thought of love between you'll but its absolute existence. Additionally you may want be sure that you are both emotionally and physically satisfied with your current partner and anything done with anyone else is purely out of curiosity and the pleasure that the fulfillment of that curiosity will bring.
Both of you are on the same page, which means whether you want to share details or not. I have toyed with the idea of open relationships and what worries me, in my case, is knowledge of what is happening and how the experience would be compared to the experience to me. I have come to realize that in an open relationship I would rather not know whats happening as ignorance is bliss in my case, as communication may be in yours. As long as I am secure with the knowledge that my significant other loves me and wants the rest of their life to be with me, I am happy and don't need to know much else.
But that's just me, hope this helps!
This does! I like this very much. We have done a lot of work around love, so I feel confident in number one. I didn't think of there being a question around whether we would want to share details. That's a new consideration for me.
ones affair could be different from anothers. from my veiw piont affairs could be relative
Interesting. How do you mean?