In Defense of "Permissive" Parenting; Children are Human Too
We produce destructive people by the way we treat them in childhood. ~Alice MillerPsychology professors teach four primary parenting styles: permissive, authoritative, authoritarian, and neglectful. These child rearing approaches are categorized as neglectful being too distant, permissive being too free, and authoritarian being too tyrannical and controlling. The alleged experts suggests that "authoritative" is the happy medium that parents should practice, lest they appear too permissive.
In the "authoritative" model, parents assume an authority figure role, but give children some room to roam and the illusion of freedom.
In the eyes of educators, this is how parenting should be conducted, because the only acceptable parenting is parenting that contains some degree of authority (hence the authoritative style).
Even "Authoritative" Parenting is Unhealthy for Children
However, the authoritative model is inherently abusive because children are not seen as equal. Parents are supposed to act as bureaucrats and policemen of the relationship, even if it is not supposed to be "as controlling" as the authoritarian approach. This is the difference between a benevolent tyrant and a sadistic tyrant. One may be meaner ruler, but that does not make the nicer ruler any less of a ruler.Therefore, this authoritative relationship dynamic is unhealthy for children. It usurps any kind of power they may possess. But children are not slaves or machines to be molded. They are unique individuals with special needs.
Research has suggested that "authoritative" parenting has better results, but many authoritative parents still use spanking and other forms of aggression. And authoritative styles are not often examined alongside studies on spanking. This is also why "permissive parenting" should be used in the form of radical unschooling to be successful, which advocates the idea that children are intuitively intelligent and have the acumen to overcome difficulties without needing highly demanding parents or formal organizations.
Simply put: instead of thinking about parents being "permissive," everyone should think about parents as being naturally human, as being people with a goal of treating their children like humans---rather than something subhuman. In reality, parents are stewards or guardians who help guide their children. They are not slave masters or owners of chattel.
The Social Problem of Childism; In Need of More "Permissive" Parenting
But modern educators view children as chattel, even if it is an unconscious thought. This is the reason why parents and educators advocate some degree of authority. The late psychologist Elisabeth Young-Bruehl referred to this phenomenon as childism, which suggests that children have not received basic rights.
This is due to people thinking there is something wrong or vicious about "permissive" parenting. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treating children with tenderness, care, and compassion, instead of as vile little wretches who need to be put in their place.
There is literally no other interpersonal relationship in society where someone would say that they should have an authoritative relationship with the other. Imagine if someone started telling husbands to have authoritative relationships with their wives, or that one friend should be authoritative over the other. It would be absurd
Just because children are small, helpless, and still developing does not mean that it is acceptable for a grown person to assert their will over them.
They are human beings too.
My name is Sterlin. Follow me at @sterlinluxan and Psychologic-Anarchist. I also run the Psychologic-Anarchist Facebook page and produce YouTube videos. My interests lie in the intersection of counseling psychology and anarchism. I write about the depredations of psychiatry, and also the philosophy of compassionate anarchism.
probably the number 1 issue in the world. If you are into peaceful parenting and the NAP, the rest just kinda sorts itself out. Thanks for addressing the false dichotomy that people assume must be the case. "Oh you don't 'discipline' your child so they must be wild little hell raisers." makes me grind my teeth. It's not enough to refrain from physical assault. That is the bare minimum of all relationships. You have to help them discover their limits safely. Let your authority derive from your wisdom. They will obey you because you continually provide valuable guidance.
Wow! This comment and this post from you @sterlinluxan are so on point and so important. A lot of this realization about how wrong the relation some of us hold with the children came to me, through being lead to think about how we treat non-human animals in general.
I love this post so much. I'll share it widely. I hope to see people expand on these subjects in the future. Thank you very much. This is so refreshing to read.
Thank you so much @teamsteam. I appreciate that very much. I find the topic to be one of the MOST important, indeed.
Interesting. The first of yours where I see something I disagree with, good!
Hold on there. Even authoritarian parenting styles (misguided as we agree they are) do not imply parents' hatred or disgust towards their children. That's painting with a very broad brush, and imo intellectually lazy.
More important, to me: Permissive parenting, as defined in any place I've seen it defined, includes the characteristic of lacking clear and consistently enforced boundaries. To me this is the very important.
Permissive vs authoritarian parenting is a false dichotomy.
A parent can be loving, attentive, compassionate towards a child and provide the 'bootstrap' of clear and firm boundaries that prevent a child feeling confused and fearful of its own power. I've seen this third way get called respectful parenting. Here's a post about it.
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/09/respectful-parenting-is-not-passive-parenting/
Thanks for the response. Let me see if I can reply.
I would say that authoritarian parenting styles do imply disgust toward children, because that parent rules over the child with an iron fist and employs corporal punishment when necessary. I don't how any other word to describe this relationship, although it is true that authoritarian parents oftentimes still claim to love their children. But I don't think anyone should conflate love with authoritarianism.
Next, I clarified the issue with permissive parenting in the piece, and described the idea that parents could use approaches like "radical unschooling" in the same vein, and those approaches would Incorporated the boundaries as you rightfully pointed out.
Good thoughts on boundaries. I should have mentioned something about that for clarity.
I certainly agree with you that authoritarianism is not the way to go. But I think it's important to bear in mind that there can be different motivations for authoritarianism. These motivations need not include feelings of disgust or hatred towards a child.
That doesn't necessarily imply disgust. It's also possible that the parent may simply believe (mistakenly, imo) that this approach is in the long-term interest of the child.
I disagree here too, in the sense that I believe their clearly are circumstances linked to the developmental immaturity of children in which the right thing to do is assert your will over their own.
An extreme example to make the point: A child wants to climb down onto the rail track to urgently retrieve a dropped toy - the compassionate parent will physically restrain them if necessary: asserting their own will at the expense of the child's ability to exercise his own.
My question is why did the parent allow that situation to exist in the first place. For me that parent has already failed. Also, If you had be practicing what I like to call peaceful parenting, your child should already have enough respect for you to listen to your guidance without you having to restrain them. Finally, temporarily restraining someone who may not be aware of impending danger is not being authoritarian and would be a considered a compassionate thing to do whether that person is a child or an adult.
No. Peaceful parenting certainly doesn't guarantee obedience. That's just not how it works.
Please pay closer attention to the conversation you're stepping into. I haven't made that claim.
hi i love your post I will be featuring it in my daily pick of hidden gems
I guess this post will rather be very popular by the end of the day, so not really a 'hidden' gem anymore. But that's good anyway.
On a good note, it is hidden in the sense that I haven't trended on the very top in awhile. Haha.
Another good post topic: "The hidden leaders of steemit". Lol :-)
Yes, If you're picking stuff like this then your hidden gems section will be good,
However can you really call an account with 64 rating hidden? I hope you add good stuff from accounts with ratings under 40? those are 'hidden'.
rep doesnt show your posts I have seen many 68 rep authors have hidden posts
Awesome choice!
There are very few topics or discussions more important than this!
As I always say "All problems begin with parenting, thus all solutions lie in New Paradigm Parenting"
This is one of my passions and I will be writing about my extensive experience speaking around the world at parenting/education conferences as well as being blessed to have children my self.
I couldn't agree more! I have three children who are always complimented on their politeness and gentle spirit. This is who they are. I only needed to positively reinforce it, which is almost impossible not to do when you truly appreciate the precious gift of a unique life.
Children naturally want to please, so what could be more simple. I would encourage all to rethink the way they were reared and to actually see their child!
Well said, @onetree. When you really appreciate the life you created, it is much easier to use positive reinforcement. I am glad you left this comment, friend. I love positive commentary like this, especially from parents.
Negotiate with you're children! Don't boss them around! That's how statists are made
For me the problem with this way of thinking is that it fails to take a childs age into account, parenting should go through each of these stages as the child grows, counter clockwise, from authoritarian to neglectful (when they pop off to university). being permissive with a 2 year old, is being neglectful, but being permissive with a 15yr old is fine. obviously it depends on the child, parent and lifestyle. Still I very much enjoyed reading this and it's given me plenty food for though, so thank you!
@cryptosi it seem that you have a good knowledge about this topic. I think I can learn a lot of things from you. Is it okay with you?
https://steemit.com/hidden-gems/@dragonslayer109/2ttyxc-daily-pick-of-hidden-gems-27 here is where I will be featuring your post today
I always try to approach my and any kid with reason and logic, as much as I can. I will admit that I have and do use techniques to 'discpline'. But discipline, to me, isn't about punishment as punishment is a form of retaliation.
For instance, when my son was younger, about 3 or 4, he was very well-behaved, to mean he didn't throw tantrums and, typically, he would listen, even though he would ask for reasons for what was being asked of him. But there were times...
I once asked him to pick up his toys and put them away. He resisted and wanted to know why he couldn't leave them out. I explained that they could get lost or broken and that someone could trip or step on them and hurt themselves and that is why you should clean up after yourself.
He still resisted and went into a mode of refusal that was beyond logic. He didn't want to reason. Now, I don't want him to feel like he is 'bad' for making a choice on his own volition, BUT, I didn't want him to think that tantrums and outright refusal in the face of logic was okay. I didn't want him to learn and think that if he makes a big enough stink, somehow, that makes what he wants okay, acceptable or reasonable.
So, I told him that if he wanted to act this way, he could do so over against the wall of the room because it made me sad to see him acting like this. Yes, this might be a form of manipulation, but it was the truth.
He went over and he cried and sniffled. When he calmed down, I sat near him and asked if he wanted to come sit next to me and talk. He did. I took him in my lap and told him that I'm sorry he was upset. And then I explained that he wasn't 'bad' but that he can't throw a fit and expect that to change what is or isn't. I told him that the only thing more important than what we want in the moment is what is best in the long run, for us as well as for others.
We can't get upset every time things aren't going our way. We have to either change them, when we can, or adapt to them.
Of course, I used much more simplistic terms and concepts.
I don't see this as either authoritative or permissive. It is rational. He is my equal in his rights but he is not my equal in knowledge, wisdom or foresight. Furthermore, it is my duty, to him, to guide, teach and guard him. And, so, while I may not FORCE him to do as I ask, I will not let him think that refusing to do what is needed for logical and rational reasons will help him in the long run.
He and I hugged and wiped each others tears away(yeah, I cry when my son is upset, bite me) and then we both cleaned up his toys and he told me about how each toy could be broken or hurt somebody if it was left out.
I'm sure it's not perfect, but there is no perfect parenting. You do what you can with the resources and knowledge you have.
But I will say this, I will NEVER say 'because I said so.' I didn't accept that as a child and I will not use it as an adult. It's bullshit logic.
Anyway, just my two cents. Nice write up.
I always look at parenting in this light: my child did not ask to be here, she did not ask to be created vulnerable and dependent, nor did she choose me as a parent. Since I forced these things upon her, I have a positive obligation towards her.
For those who say you must enforce boundaries, I would say you must first negotiate the boundaries. I negotiate everything with my children. It actually makes parenting easier in the long run since if they want to step outside the negotiated boundaries or scope of our agreement, I can point out that this was something that we came to an agreement on and if they can break agreements with me, then I can break agreements with them since we are equal human beings. This either gets them to honor our agreement or at least sit down to renegotiate our agreement, which maybe appropriate. Our negotiated bed time at 8 years old may not be that time when she is 10 or if it is the weekend or summertime or special occasion.
Thank you @sterlinluxan for your posts on parenting. We need more of this outreach.
Being overly strict and controlling is a kind or proximal abandonment. Even though the parent is there, they are not, as they are lost in negativity. Its best to be relaxed at all times and let the child be as free to do whatever they want.
Well said, friend. I like the way you characterized that.
:) The water method is best, let it go and let it flow. Rather than the fire method of creating drama out of nothing :D