I Don't Create When I'm Depressed
About six weeks ago, I set a goal of creating one quality post everyday.
It hasn't been perfect, but I was hitting around 95% success rate. Until this week, that is.
This week has been kicking my ass.
Weekends are hard for me to get the time to sit and write or record a post. If you've seen my other stuff, you'll know that I have five young kids and my time with them is precious. I try really hard to not take that time and use it on less important pursuits - like writing a self-absorbed blog post that three actual people will look at.
I live with bouts of depression.
I've written a little about that in other posts. It is usually not debilitating and is something I think I manage fairly well. I do my best to not shy away from sadness because when it is there, it is likely trying to tell me something. In fact, I have created some of my favorite pieces in sadness.
Depression is different. There is a movement with sadness. There is a stuckness with depression.
It often makes me feel like a thing that has long outlived its usefulness. I feel overwhelmed and unable to complete menial tasks. Things come in. Sometimes at a regular pace, sometimes quicker than normal. Always faster than I can handle in these times.
I hate the word "anxiety"
I hate the idea of being an anxious person. I have such a prejudice against the concept of obstructive anxiety that when I feel it in my own life I lose control very quickly. I struggle against letting myself accurately name the feeling.
I have anxiety.
I devote a lot of energy to never saying that, but that is really a central figure to my feeling of drowning.
I feel like the shell of a thing that was once designed to fly. The hope of seeing it soar through the air has long since dispersed.
I feel wholly inadequate to rise to the tasks before me. I am really bad at narrowing the scope to focus on bite-sized pieces. This is not the normal kind of post I write. I just needed some whitespace to fill.
I need to thaw the frozen grip of depression and allow the trapped emotion to bubble up.
We'll see how that goes.
Until next time, be blessed.
~Sam
Image Sources: Airplane, Graffiti
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I too struggle with bouts of depression. and I also have debilitating "anxiety" at times. I can relate when you said you don't like to use the :I have anxiety" label or giving in to, it at all. I have tried to shy away from that as well, because I feel like I'm labelling myself (my whole self) as broken.
I have created many great writing pieces as well when I was feeling the most down. Much of my writing is manifested into what I likely need to hear at that time. I enjoyed this post. Thanks.
Thanks for the thoughtful and personal comment!
Isn't it funny that self-talk sometimes has to come through the backdoor of writing it out?
Absolutely! It took me a little while to catch on, but now I know....lol
If you were soaring, what would that look, sound, and/or feel like to you?
I just ask because sometimes it helps to get more clear on what that would be.
What needs to change?
I know this was 7 days ago... so maybe you've found your answers already. Nonetheless, I'm curious :)
Great questions, @axios. Thanks for asking them.
I've been wrestling with these exact questions for sometime now. I have not gotten very far on the journey, but have pulled out a few things that I think are integral to what soaring would look like.
I have a pretty high capacity to push through demanding periods, but that often comes at the cost of emotional disconnection. That's not how I want to live. In order to stay healthy, i need regular periods of rest--not just sleep, which is also important.
I have never thought of myself as a strong writer. I usually struggle to get a product typed and out the door. Like, more than most of my colleagues. But spending some time blogging has challenged me to question that paradigm. I actually enjoy writing a blog post. Sure, I have a lot to learn about being more effective and clear, but it just kind of flows. I am realizing that I really struggle with technical writing. I have a really hard time writing legal briefs (which is a tough place for a lawyer to be, haha). There is definitely a story-telling aspect of legal writing, but it is far to sterilized for me to connect with.
I don't do well with competition. I knew that about myself as a child, but for some reason was telling myself that I "grew out of that." I really thrive when a process or solution is collaborative. It doesn't have to be "team project" type stuff, but rather, when my victory is also a gain for you and vice versa (which, is pretty much built into Steemit with curation rewards).
Now, figuring out how to achieve those goals is another thing. I'll continue to press into it and see what I find. Thanks again for your very insightful questions. It helped me get some of these feelings into words.
Im get like that sometimes like right now I am glad I already recorded a video so I don't have to make one tonight lol, good luck to you and hope you get some steam back. get it.. steem lol
That is nice when your work from earlier serves to help get you through a drought. Thanks for the encouragement. Here is to hoping to steam and steem alike!
yeah I think I might start doing as much as I can when I have the energy lol because how I feel today just won't cut it, aight see ya around. peace. Thanks, here is the rest of my vote for the night im off to the sack.
Thanks, Truce! And that is a good idea. I've done a little bit of that before. For example, some day I will get 3-4 post ideas, but I don't necessarily want to post that often even if I could. For the sake of not losing the thought, I'll outline each of the posts to come back to later. Probably not a shocker to anyone, but have an outline already on paper makes it a whole lot easier to get a post out when I'm feeling low.
My problem is thinking about something and then not writing it down and remembering to do a vid on it later hahhaa
My favorite is when I do take notes, but scribbled them down or typed a note on my phone really quickly and when I go back to read it a day or two later I have zero idea what my past self was thinking about.
Plan of action: take better notes!
Fear can’t always be out motivation. Many things we worry about will never happen. Do not let negative thoughts control your life. In the end, you’re the only person that can make yourself. If you can’t find peace within yourself, it becomes difficult to make other people happy.
Thank you for the thoughtful insights! I definitely agree that you cannot give away what you do not have.
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