Giving People What They Want vs. What They Need
Most of us want to be liked. We try to do things in order to be liked, to be favored, to be appreciated. We can try to be a giver that provides people with what they want in order for them to like us. But sometimes in trying to do so, we enable their vices, instead of really helping them.
If you care for someone, do you simply give them what they want? Or do you give them what they really need to grow? Truth can be the medicine of tough love, and others can dislike us for dispensing this remedy.
Giving people want they want can make them "happy". When someone desires, wants, or wishes for something, should we just give it to them because we want them to be "happy" or "feel-good"? Are we really doing it because we want to "help" them? Or is it more that we want them to like is in return?
"I want soft-drinks."
"I want sugar."
"I want salt."
"I want cigarettes."
"I want drugs."
"I want ..." fill in the blank.
"Gimme gimme gimme! Don't you love me? Don't you care about me? If you do, then you will wnt to make me happy ad give me what makes me happy."
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If you really care for others, do you just give them what they want? No... you should be thinking about how it actually helps them, objectively, not how it fulfills some subjective desire or attachment.
Their wants are often unconsciously motivated habits that fulfill sensory gratification, and are counter-productive to their long-term health and happiness. These unconscious desires feed into the conscious mind and drive it, they run the conscious mind like a program without the person being aware of how they are being controlled by these desires.
Enabling
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If you just give someone whatever they want, that's enabling and feeding them their conditioned attachment to desires and distortions. They just keep doing it, and you help them stay that way. Is that really love and care?
Giving people things that are against their health and well-being isn't "caring" about them, or "helping" them, it only enables them. Why be an enabler? It might make them "feel-good" as a short-term sensory state of "well-being", but that's it.
We should be helping others to be more responsible for themselves and live a better life by their own hands. That's empowering them in life.
Care to Speak Truth
Help and care for them by giving them what they need to better, improve and grow, by giving them the truth about what they are doing to themselves. Enabling them isn't helping them at all. It just keeps them stuck in their attachment and reinforces it as "ok", perfectly fine, and acceptable, because you "feed" them these things. Denial or ignorance doesn't help anyone.
Of course, the problem with this is that we don't want to be told of our wrongs and errors, either done to ourselves or to others. We also don't "like" taking on this responsibility to truly help others. We fear facing our problems, and we fear speaking to others about their problems when we see it.
Most people want to be left alone to continue to do wrong-actions, whether they are aware of it or not. This denial and ignorance of facing their errors and wrongs, ranges from the above examples of their behavior to consume products that aren't good for them, but also their behavior that isn't good for others and creates harm for others. It's just that one is self-inflicted, while the other is inflicted on others.
Avoidance
We don't do anyone any favors by letting them get away with wrongs in the world, just because they "want" to keep doing what they do, to "feel-good", to "enjoy" themselves and "have fun". Just because we want them to "like" us. Just because we always want to be "nice", "kind" "get along" and "keep-the-peace". Just because we don't want to "rock the boat", create a "hassle" or "make waves". Just because we don't like things to get "negative" between us. This is part of a deep psychological motivation for the "positive" and "feeling-good" related to the pleasure trap that can blind us to what we need to do.
So we keep a fake positivity-mask on in avoidance of controversy, conflict, friction, interference or tension in our lives. We fear breaking the maintenance of our relationships, our "connection" to others, and the "loyalty" we share if we dare to speak up. Most of us don't want to face the mirror. If someone dares to speak truth, the reaction in often "how dare you do such a thing!" even if they don't say that verbally. It's a lot easier to ignore the issue and keep being a coward so that the relationship can keep going on by maintaining falsity between us.
Inauthenticity
Aren't masks and fakeness/falseness great? Gotta keep realness and authenticity hidden...
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Isn't that a great way to live our lives? In fear of how people will react to the truth? So we are fake and inauthentic in order to allow falsity to continue rather than speak the hard, uncomfortable, inconvenient truth that can hurt our delicate egos and sensibilities... Wonderful... That's the way to progress!
Truth is the real capital in life. Truth is supreme. Caring for others involves helping them to care for truth by speaking truth against falsity in our lives. Likewise, caring for truth is helping others.
When we care for truth, then we can seek, discover and embrace it into our lives rather than continue to ignore, avoid, deny or reject it in favor of remaining attached to falsity. Truth is extreme – truth is one way – go all the way. Or, stay apathetic to the truth, being a coward, because we fear what will happen in our relationships with others if we dare to call them out on their denial and ignorance.
Shed Some Light
Some truths are harder to accept, so we may need to start with smaller truths and build our way up to a level of comprehension that would allow others to see the light of truth currently denied.
So when we "help", enable or allow others to keep doing what they do to themselves or others, we are helping them continue that behavior. We shirk and brush off our responsibility to speak the truth that can get them to see the error of their ways.
This doesn't help anybody in the end, now does it? Not really. It may help us keep our "peace" and "friendships" because we fear losing our connection with others, though.
People and the world don't change for the better when we keep ignoring issues around us. If we truly care and want to help, we need to speak up and shed light on the darkness of the situation.
We judge, offend and insult ourselves by our own actions. Speaking the truth is to shed a light on the darkness, and that light can be blinding. The blinding light can cause people to turn away from us, to yell, complain, and be mad at us for blinding them. But this is the burden, service and sacrifice we need to make when we live up to the responsibility of caring for truth.
Hardships and Tribulations
This is hard work to do, with hardships and tribulations in our lives (as mentioned above). Not many people understand the importance of doing this. It's preferable to choose the wide and easy path of allowing everything to continue and keeping the false peace, rather than choosing the narrow and hard path that eventually brings real peace by having us let go of our attachments to negative desires and behavior in our lives.
You will lose friends when they don't care for truth and choose to remain attached to falsity. That's why truth is symbolized as a sword. Truth divides from falsity. When you speak truth to others, it's not out of hate, but out of care and "love". The first goal is truth, and it does create conflict, unfortunately. That's just how it works. Then the peace can happen automatically afterwards.
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law-- a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.' Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives the one who sent me."
- Matthew 10:34-40
The above symbolism about "Jesus" is an esoteric metaphorical way of talking about truth, the light of life that feeds and nourishes us metaphysically in consciousness. It's what I have talked about before many times: realer, higher and truer life and living is found through caring, seeking, embracing and embodying truth into our lives, and especially moral truth.
Truth is "Love". "Love" is Truth. Truth unites. Lies divide. Embrace Truth. Care for Truth.
Integrate with truth and morality.
Live integrated and connected.
Truth is one way – go all the way.
Thank you for your time and attention. Peace.
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I have struggled with this for years. Not so much pretending, but being blunt and dealing with the fallout that inevitably results. Every now and again I find myself compelled out of compassion to interject where it (my view) is not welcome.
I figured out at an early age most were not strong enough to be my friend. One has to be willing to shatter their mask to be that close to me. Doesn't mean they have to agree with my assessments, but they have to be strong enough to withstand them should the topic come up that they disagree with.
Due to this, I find that I keep my circle small. I have not the time nor patience for most acquaintances except where it is necessary for everyday happenings to occur. If I see that one clings to their masks, I usually will figure out ways to minimize my interactions with them so as not to waste my time and energy, as well as help keep those with ill will towards me to a minimum.
I can relate, it's similar for me ;) It's can be a waste when realness and honesty is not the path they want to walk with you :/
I come from a place with lot of homeless people, the problem i saw is, they start feeling entitled after a while on the street like world or people who are well off, owe them something. If someone is not capable of working, then i would gladly help, but if you are capable, get off your ass and work.
Yeah, I know what you mean, as if givings is obliged when it isn't. They don't want to build a life of self-sufficiency and depend on others to be obliged to help them... it's twisted thinking.Yes, go work liek the rest of us. Nothing in life is really free, you have to earn it.
The truth might be very better, some people just do what others want just to protect a relationship that deep down they know that won't work. I wanted to be friends with a girl but she said, that all guys were the same and then I told her a flaw about her that made guys treat her the way they do. But instead of her to take the fact that what I said was truth, she got angry and never wanted me to talk to her. She knew that what I said was true but just couldn't admit it. Though I never meant her harm it was just a correct I suggested.
Yeah, it's hard to get people to see the help given by providing truth, since it often hurts and we don't mean to harm but we want to help... :/
To be liked is basic human instinct.Most of the people do some good job to be appreciated.But if we care for others then we would have done something else.Like helping someone with a income source instead of helping with some food.
Why is giving people money better than food? Or do you mean give them a job to survive in life?
Ya exactly that is what i tried to mean.
Giving the weak body with fish to eat is better than giving him a fishnet when he can't go to the sea and get some fish for himself however, if a man is able to catch fish himself and can go to the sea, then give him a fishnet. All has different circumstances.
I still think it's better to give people something that they really "need" more than what they like. In rare cases, something they "like" could be the right choice but still, not all we like is what we need.
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Hmmm.... Is OP trying to play God here? He does seem to want the world to dance to his tune.
I don't have to tell anyone where the road of good intentions leads to do I?