Toughen Up!
Times are really tough right now. My stress level is through the roof, I even have what I am lovingly referring to as "stress bumps"- tiny bumps on the meridians of my knuckles- and it's not because of Christmas. I wish it was because of Christmas! Life threw me a curve ball, knocked me on my ass, then stomped on my face with a golf shoe while I was down.
If a parent, teacher or coach tells a child to tough it out because they do not have the patience to comfort while the child is in pain, is that not abuse? Or at the very least neglect?
I cannot remember anyone telling me to toughen up as a child, but that's not to say it didn't happen. Something must have happened because I have a very difficult time asking for help. I know it's partly to do with the fact many people have let me down in my adult life, or not done what they said they were going to do, but that cannot be the only reason I have a difficult time counting on others.
Pain is real, whether it's physical or psychological. I'm sure most of us wouldn't dare tell each other to toughen up if we're suffering, so why are children told this so often? This dumbfounds me. The child is not weak, they are responding to the thing that just happened to them naturally. If there are tears, that is how their body needs to process the occurrence at the time.
Life is tough. Adulting is difficult. When we grow up we have an awful lot of responsibilities. Many hardships and disappointments. Yes, of course we have many many good things, but that is beside the point ;)
If I were to tell you, right now, to toughen up, it would do harm. You would actually feel a pseudo-physical sting. You would lose trust in me. You would lose confidence in me. And you will question your own feelings, even if only a little. And what good will any of that do for you?
Children need a secure foundation. Life will toughen them up, that's a guarantee. Telling a child to do it will not make them stronger. It actually has some negative consequences.
If you are told to toughen up, you learn to hide your feelings. You grow up believing feelings like sadness or hurt need to be squashed and hid like a pilfered copy of Playboy. You learn to associate shame with those feelings because you are not able to consciously "toughen up", especially if you are too young to even know how to differentiate and accurately define what it is you are feeling. Suppressing your emotions becomes a learned behavior, and later as an adult you are clueless how to help someone who is struggling because you lack the ability to deal with your own feelings. If you had to push aside your own emotions in an effort to "toughen up" you will never learn how to deal with them in a healthy manner, much less understand someone else's pain. It inhibits our capability to extend compassion- to our selves and others.
Then when they grow up they will have the freedom to know how to ask for help when they need it and avoid a maddening case of the stress bumps ;)
Happy Saturday my friends!
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wish you a happy weekend also!
Thank you!
What a wonderfully educational piece. Thank you for showing the negative side of 'toughening up'. I think there were many of us in my generation that were taught to toughen up hence we harbour our emotions.
I think that may be a contributing factor to the sudden prevalence of anxiety today, too.
Another one I really hate is "man up"... Kids will "man up" when they are physically and emotionally ready. Let them be kids...
I agree with' let them be kids' - but letting them whine is not good! lol
If I was being whiny, I would EXPECT you to say something. I wouldn't trust in you if you didn't! lol
Being nice can be counter productive -depending on the circumstances, of course
If you were being whiny, I do believe I would never get a chance to know because your girlfriend will have fixed that straight away ;)
Well, you have a good point. We both HATE whining, and are very quick to point it out.
Lol!
Whining is one thing. Not knowing how to verbalize your pain or frustration and getting told to toughen up is another...
I think we, (the west) have been way too soft for the last 40 years.
Kids being kids - is as it should be - but there is also a time to 'toughen up' - especially in today's world.
I knew several russian kids (13-17 ish).
They were older and tougher - and happier - than any western kids I have seen of a comparable age.
I blame the government to an extent. They should never have been able to have so much control over how children are raised.
.....they could only ever get the control with the consent of the silent masses......
Blaming a shark for eating a person - after you throw them in the water, and then blaming the shark for being a shark....
Government IS marxist/ socialist - how do you think bigger and bigger government will behave...?
Cultural marxism , reducing people to non thinking - emotionally reactive blobs..
(not you obviously, I'm talking about the last 2 generations mind think - or gullibility should I say)
True.
I like to call them sheeple
Keeping a 'stiff upper lip' and not complaining or being criticised for not taking it on the chin as a child are all recipes for disaster a can adult, particularly if the child has a natural sensitive and empathic nature.
Being programmed not to ask for help can lead to people never asking even when they are in dire need of assistance which can ultimately end in death.
Imagine being too embarrassed or ashamed, feeling so worthless of asking anyone for any kind of help.
The irony is, because of having a sensitive nature, these people can be magnets for others who ask their time and assistance, which allows them to hide their own problems, keeping them safe from the outside world but suffering great pain and hardship within.
Just be nice to your kids, let them be and develop into who they naturally are. Guide them dont direct them and encourage them to talk.
Love and best wishes to all and thank you so much to the poster for this touching piece which really hit a nerve.
Recipe for disaster. I couldn't have said it better.
It is so true. I know that people want to help. And I help any and all at the drop of hint. But I find it so damned impossible to ask, even when I need it and I know others are able... It is such a horrific feeling, and one I know I shouldn't have...
Thank you so much, I really appreciate you reading. I hope you can find quick comfort for that raw nerve <3
Thanks, exactly the same as me, but at least being self aware and understanding oneself is a help. Lovely talking to you, will be now working my way through your back catalogue :-)
As a father of a toddler son, i can really appreciate this. My son is now in that age where is learning about the world and the most important thing is the communication. A good communication connection with your child will boost their confidence to the sky and they will always consider you not only as their parents but also your friend with whom they can share everything...
On a lighter side, i dont need to give my son a tool to deal with the pain, he is The Pain actually.. though he is only 18 months old, but has been gifted with immense power. If he hits you in the face with his fist, you will get a bruise for sure. I got a busted lip 2 months ago :D
You have a little Hulk in the making, aye? lol
Aye aye.. his name is Mikael and in future he will fight and bring down the evil forces of the world :D
I now regret not naming him Bruce Banner :D
LOL!!!!!! I look forward to reading about his adventures ;)
Haha you will.. my friend.. ^_^
what's happening? need anything i can help with? always feel you can DM me on steemit.chat (rocket chat) to even just shoot the shit about something. christmas time is a tough one to have things 'happen' you know? take good care.
You are sweet, thank you for the offer <3 I just may take you up on that :)
i messaged you back btw. hope you are better today and you found some resolution.
Why does life wear her golf shoes so often? Doesn't she own slippers? Maybe some flip-flops? (Grab the club on the next stop down and swing away Kitten! 👊)
My favorite from when I was a kid was, " Well, get used to it because nobody cares." As an adult, I can see it as you need to be able to rely on yourself and don't count on others. When I was 6, I took it as I don't give a shit, fix it yourself. (It would have been nice if my father had phrased things differently). On the bright side, I remember how I felt and I'm able to NOT use his example with my children. 😊
Thank you for the article!
I know, right? A pair of flip flops, just sometimes... Not too much to ask! C'mon life,, get comfy ;)
That is good that you broke the cycle. Very commendable.
You covered this topic so comprehensively I don't even have anything to add. Hope your stress gets better @arbitrarykitten
Oh wow! Thank you my friend <3
If I read some if your post on physchology I can saya you are a goid counselor for us in Steemit. The way you analyze the cases is amazing. I love reading your post. Have a nice weekend. Regards from Indonesia.
That makes me feel good! Thank you :)
You hit the nail on the head as you summed up the piece, when you stated "Communication is key." As in most inter-human relationships, there are many issues that can be avoided or overcome by communication.
With regards to the dictum to "toughen up," it can be interpreted as saying "I cannot help you, so you'll have to deal with it on your own." But unfortunately, most of us are NOT tough, and it's almost impossible for us to toughen up.
That is not to say that we can't be strong, or that we are not strong. But if the situation is negative, and if we are being hurt or hindered, such strength would be good only for a counter-attack. And that would just exacerbate the situation.
What is needed is understanding, compassion, support, assistance. And all those start with communication.
Yep, "communication is key."
Thanks for this uplifting post.
In most instances where one is told to "toughen up" it is not because they are weak. Not at all. It is because the other one is lazy, or uncompassionate, (or fill in the blank)
Communication is imperative and key to any interpersonal relationship. Unfortunately in our age of "communication" far too many are losing the ability to do just that in a compassionate and meaningful way.
Avoiding stress bumps is great gain
Agreed!!!