Psychology Addict # 45 | Discussing Day-to-Day Fear
‘I am finding hard to read Emma’s intentions at this point.’ Natan said while I was chomping on my snack. ‘We had a fun time during our last date, but then she went a bit cold’. He sighed. ‘She still sends me messages, though. I just want to know whether she wants to take this, whatever this is, to the next level.’ There was a pause. Then, he continued ‘I want to be able to pick up the phone, call her, and book a date whenever I feel like hearing her voice or seeing her’. He seemed to have said everything he wanted. So, I asked ‘why don’t you just tell her all this? She seems very approachable.’ Natan promptly replied. ‘Because I am afraid of rejection’.
It is common knowledge that fear is a normal behavioural and physiological reaction to physical and emotional threat. As a product of the limbic system 1, this unpleasant feeling has been with us, animals, for over 200 million years 2. And, while fear has played a crucial part in the survival of humans as a species, it has also taken its toll on our existence, as it is one of the foremost aspects underlying our suffering. Fear, as much as sadness, is the most common cause of mental distress reported by people in therapy 3.
The Demands of Modern Life
Psychologists often discuss how the pressures of modern life itself might have contributed to how widespread fear has become among us. Twenge, for example, discusses that in spite of the unparalleled improvement seen in wealth and physical health in developed nations such as the U.S, a greater number of people currently report experiencing higher levels of anxiety (a manifestation of fear) than 50 years ago 4.
From an evolutionary standpoint, it is often argued that this is due to the fact that the world we live in, nowadays, is exceptionally different from that in which we evolved. For instance, up to only 40.000 years ago our ancestors were still hunter-gatherers living in small clans. But, within this timespan, humans have witnessed far more cultural progress than in the preceding centuries 5. Without a doubt four thousand decades is a huge amount of time. Nevertheless, in terms of biological evolution, this frame of time has not been long enough to ‘match’ our emotional systems to the cultural evolution our species has undergone 6. An explanation for such discrepancy is that from that point to now (40.000 years ago) the cultural progress we have witnessed no longer depended upon genetic changes 7.
This disparity, however, has not done our mental health many favours, because with regard to the neuropsychology of our emotions, we are more similar than not to our ancestors. Or, how psychologists often like to echo ‘modern men are stone-agers in the fast lane’ 8. A mismatch that becomes all the more clear when we learn, for instance, that agoraphobia considerably increased as the industrial revolution took place. Consequently giving rise to a sense of insecurity resulted from the new threatening, crowded urban environments that offered little resemblance to the peaceful rural areas that used to be people’s bases 9.
What Do You Fear?
But, we don’t need to travel back to the 1800’s to look for the emergence of different types of fear. Just now, in the 2000’s, FOMO has not only made its official appearance in our lives, but also became epidemic amongst the adult population of developed countries 10. I find the fear of missing out an incredibly relatable instance of how our emotions can be destabilized by the arrival of a new cultural phenomenon, and one that is not even threatening per se. We, humans, are paradoxically strong and fragile.
We fear failing, we fear rejection, we fear death, we fear losing our freedom, but we also fear freedom itself. In fact, Soren Kierkegaard, an existential philosopher, proposed that our anxieties and fears are a result of freedom. He posited that these emotions are the actual price we pay for being free 11. Meaning that it is through fear and anxiety that we experience the uncertainty of the choices we make in life. I agree very much with this rationale. Look at Natan, letting Emma know he would like to be in a relationship with her might cost him their friendship. Contrarily, not saying anything may also cost him a fulfilling love story. Which decision to make?
Life is dotted with such dilemmas; to move, or not to move? To be, or not to be? To marry or, not to marry? To invest, or not? To divorce? Decisions of which outcomes all sit at the edge of the unknown, and whenever the unknown makes us feel unsafe or uncertain fear arises. Martin Heidergger stated that rather than a product of development and personality, fear and anxiety are rather inescapable emotions, which are fundamental to human life.
True, although not entirely. Some of us are particularly more prone to feeling more fearsome and anxious than others: those who rate high in neuroticism.
Neuroticism
Among the Big Five scientific model of personality traits, neuroticism is a primary dimension of negative emotions. This means that individuals who rate high in this trait are more sensitive to emotions such as fear, anxiety and sadness. Further, there are two important aspects to neuroticism that makes the trait more relevant to our discussion, withdrawal (linked to brain systems that regulate behavioural inhibition), and volatility (associated to systems that regulate the flight or fight response) 12
The former is characterized by fearfulness and anxiety, and it is a facet that leads the individual to retreat from what is perceived as possible negative situations. In Natan’s case this would prevent him talking to Emma about committing to a relationship, because he foresees a probable rejection. The latter aspect involves irritability and hostility, and it is also linked to greater focus on negative experiences. Such aspect in Natan’s scenario would tend to fade away the nice, pleasant moments he has been having with Emma making the image of a ‘no’ from her rather vivid. Following this speculation, in the event of Emma rejecting his proposition their entire experience could really leave Natan grief-stricken; perhaps leading him to even regret the whole experience.
Indentifying Negative Thoughts & Situations
High levels of neuroticism are also linked to low self-esteem, especially when it coincides with introversion. Moreover, it can also negatively influence life’s perception in terms of work satisfaction, happiness in relationships, and personal health. All in all highly neurotic individuals are more prone to experiencing fear in the forms of insecurity, jealousy and anticipation.
Having the understanding that you have such traits facilitates to put things into perspective. We all are neurotic to a certain level. Also, there are certain circumstances in life which might push us towards greater scores within this dimension (e.g. dealing with dishonest people), at the same time that others promote calm and inner peace (e.g.working in a field that makes us feel comfortable). Being able to identify them is a huge step forward on the way to properly deal with fearsome expectations as well as to adopt measures that make you feel more stable overall.
Fear Not
In general, discussions about fear tend to swerve in the direction of phobias, psychosis and other severe mental disorders. As much interest as I have in those I also like to examine our day-to-day apprehensions, as they lay the foundation of our subjective well-being. ‘I am afraid of failing my exams’, ‘I am terrified of seeing her at the party’, ‘I am concerned the project will not succeed’. These are all (automatic) thoughts that pop into our head on a daily basis, we all have them. However, for some of us, such thoughts can really be crippling.
I was ready to order another tea when a happy looking couple walked in the nearly empty coffee-bar, which caused Natan to say. ‘Look at him. I will never be like him’. Natan looked very disappointed. Then I asked him. ‘How does that make you feel?’, He replied that he felt fearful that he might never be happy, that he might never have someone to love. And this is the thing about automatic thoughts, they are often distorted. Nevertheless we respond to them as if they are the ultimate truth. So, what is the solution for this?
Well, first is to be able to identify them. Then onto evaluate the relationship between them and the emotion they elicit. Because, as you know, what you think impacts how you feel. So, whenever you experience that sort of fear/anxiety, or even sadness for that matter, ask yourself ‘what was going through my mind?’. Oftentimes all we need in order to feel better is a change of thought. |
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To Fight or Not To Fight?
Of course Natan’s low mood was a huge contributor to that overstatement. But, there was indeed one thing that might have been true. He might never lead a happy life as Emma’s partner. And that is what was bringing him down. Consequently, I presented the following scenario to him: ‘Look Natan, there are two ways for you to deal with this: leave things as they are and cope with the uncertainty for as long as it lasts, irrespective of the outcome. Or, talk to Emma and let her know about your feelings’. He looked pale. I continued, ‘I suspect you are fearing your fear Natan.’ Do you realize that Emma’s rejection doesn’t take away the possibility of you being happy in life, and of having someone to love in the future?’ He nodded. ‘So?’, I gently enquired.
A few days later I learnt that Natan went over to Emma’s flat, where they talked and Emma told him that she didn’t really love him ‘like that’. He said it really stung to hear that, and also that he didn’t remember the last time he felt so embarrassed. Although, when the hurting subsided, Natan told me, ‘I felt stronger for being proactive about my emotions and challenging my fear’. He said ‘it turns out rejection is not as painful as I had anticipated’.
The fears that permeate our daily lives can sure hold us back by limiting what and how we experience in the world around us. There is, however, one thing that we should always keep in mind whenever we feel tempted to refrain from facing our insecurities: as much as mother nature has equipped us with the means to flee from our frights, it has also gifted us with the means to fight them.
Reference List:
3,11 Barker, M. Vossler, A. Langdridge, D. (2010) Understandying Couselling and Psychotherapy, London, Sage.
4 Twenge, J.M (2006) Generation Me, New York: Simon and Schuster.
5,7 Diamond, J. M. (1991). The rise and fall of the third chimpanzee. Radius.
6,8 Stone agers in the fast lane: chronic degenerative diseases in evolutionary perspective.
9 Pilgrim, D. (2017) Key Concepts in Mental Health, London, SAGE.
12 Neuroticism and its Associations with Higher Cognitive Functions
Thank you for taking the time to stop by and read my work once again my dear reader 😊 Today, I have a quick announcement to make. At least untill Christmas time I will be available to post only every other Friday. This time of the year is always very busy for me. However, I want to let you know I will still be around interacting on the platform. Of course!
Also, if you wish to download my previous posts in PDF format, please don't hesitate to visit my website, abigaildantes.com a work in progress.
A friend of mine once told me that "when I do what I fear, my fears would leave me alone".. And I've come to terms with the fact that life itself is an adventure in risks. But it is even riskier not to take those risks.
Fear of unknown; for example; has beclouded some people's courage to take these risks. They would think "what if I try and fail?".. Just like it's been a popular saying in this part of the world that FEAR is nothing more than:
F - False
E - Evidence
A - Appearing
R - Real
Most times, what we call fear is just a reflection of our thoughts. And not until we've mastered our thoughts over matter; we may not overcome these fears within.
Nice piece again Abbey.
Resteemed.
Have a blessed day
Oh Gosh Sammi! What a most wonderful comment 😍
The acronym is as incredible as what your friend told you! I have already written them down on my notepad :) Thank you for sharing it with me.
I suppose that from the moment one learns how in charge of our emotions we are life, from a psychological perspective, could become less overwhelming. But, of course, this is something it takes incredible discipline and awareness.
For people in general, it seems a lot more 'fun' to spend time doing anything other than stopping to reflect on their own thoughts, actions and internal peace.
You're so lovely Sammi.
Thank you for stopping by once again :*
It's really an honour dear Abbey. Stay cool.
Remember our Friday night hangout in stemng 😂😂
How can I possibly forget that Sammi?? I am getting organised to come around next Friday (21/09). Sadly, today is pretty impossible! 😕
Alright Abbey. We'll have fun on your behalf today. But we would be waiting for you next Friday 😂😂
Hey, Abbi! :)
Some CBT concepts again, heh? :)
Fear is a very good friend of mine :) It follows me everywhere I go :) But as far as I know it is like that for most people. A mentor I had, once told me: "Please, promise me that you will never base your decisions on fear". I remind this myself every time I face a challenge and try to follow her advice. Although, it is not easy to stay rational when it comes to emotions. D. Kahneman described the process of making a decision quite well. I know you are aware of his work :)
Well, what can I say? I think Terence put it great: "I am a human and I think nothing human is alien to me."
Cheers!
Oh! It is wonderful to see you around again :) I tagged you on my previous post, right at the end. I wanted to inform you about this just to let you know your work is inspiring me ;)
Oh, I wasn't aware of that. I didn't have the chance to read it, although I put it in my bookmark menu the other day :D
I am so honored to know that something I wrote inspired you! Your work is always a huge motivator to me! <3
💖
Okay, this is getting really creepy, Abi and I mean it!
I have a draft on my desktop since more than 3 weeks discussing 'Fear'. I went on vacation and was unable to finish it. How is that possible that we cover almost the same topics at a relatively same time period?! I am serious!
You did a great wrap-up of the topic and it's needless to say you did it with style. Since my initial goal here is to create various content about psychology topics in order to contribute to the whole community I would now discard that draft I have, because you did it already :)
I could only add that despite being one of the most ancient human emotions, fear today has evolved in a way which brings more questions than answers. Everyday stress sometimes turns into anxiety, which becomes a phobia or even worse - panic attack. Traumatic experiences from our childhood become ghosts of our present - interfering with our everyday routine, our views of the world and our connections with others. Some of the issues fear causes in our psychological world remain unsolved throughout our whole life, sometimes being transferred to our partners and even worse - to our children, repeating the process again.
There is actually a lot to say but I would stop here. I really like your perspective and angle on this topic.
Take care, dear ! :)
Well @dysfunctional, what can I say? No wonder why I nominated you as my Steemit Angel, twice!! 😍 Your blog is one of my top 3 favourite here. So, please, please, please don’t delete your draft - if you haven’t done already. I am very interested in the angle you would explore this topic. And, by the way, my next post will be about personality (inspired by yours). What can we do if we think alike? 😊🌷
What? I didn't receive any notification about these nominations :o Maybe I should use more busy.org, as on the classic platform there are no notifications about mentions.. I feel really bad that I missed these.. Thank you so much!
Okay I would post the article but would try to present it from a different angle and try to somehow contribute to what you already discussed on the topic :)
Thanks once again, your opinion means a lot and I am really glad that you support me also!
All the best to you, as always ;)
Ahahahah ... don't feel bad! It was a fun contest that took place while you were on holiday :)
Looking forward to your post!
You mean I didn't win?! :( :D
Ahahahah !! Actually, no! The bugs caused by the HF20 delayed the results. I think it will be released on Sunday :P
Hahha, now I am excited! :D
Hi @abigail-dantes
Finally able to catch up on the weekends posts, and of course I have your weekly contribution on my must read list. Another interesting topic to set the mind into action :)
I have to agree here, we've hardly changed genetically, but the world around us and our place in it is totally unrecognizable to that of the past.
This sounds beautiful, take me back there please!
Personally, I would say I fall fowl of the 3rd in the list above. I've never felt insecure or jealous to the point of fighting or taking flight, but can become 'overly' worry in the anticipation of events, deemed good or bad, that I cannot get a handle of the outcome of. Such things like public speaking rate high on this list.
Overall though, I think i'm in a reasonable place with regards to fear - throw me in a pit with tigers and that would change pretty quickly though!
Great stuff as always!
Thank you for stopping by and never failing to support my work my dearest Asher :) It sounds like you prefer calm, natural environments then! I do prefer this sort of surrounds nowadays. I never thought this day would come! When I was younger (I'm 36 now) I was just in love with the hustle and bustle of the big cities I lived in!
All the best to you :)
It's my pleasure to support a shortlisted Steem Angel and producer of quality content :)
Wouldn't it be great to have a both when you felt like it? I do enjoy piece and quiet, but also the 'hustle and bustle' appeals from time to time too.
Take care Abigail :)
At first, Natan's heartbreak, saddened me... But at the same time, I admire him for facing his fear, atleast now he could be able to move on and wait for the perfect girl for him, if he didn't face Emma, he might still holding his feeling for Emma and still hoping for Emma to fell for him,
Fear for me is really something that is hard to deal with, my biggest fear before is with my career, I really love to finish a degree with title before like, doctor, lawyer, accountant... But because of my fear that I might not be able to pass the licensure exam, I just took a business course that doesn't need exam to practice or to get a job, but now i regret that, I believe that if I pursue it, I have a title now, 😔
Hi Ms. Abi, thank you for an informative post once again, and always thank you for your undying support, so you'll be posting every other Friday again, I hope that I'll be on time next time on reading you post...
God Bless always Ms. Abi...
Much Love,
AVHY💞😘😊
Hello my dear @avhyaceulip :)
Thank you for stopping by once again. I am sorry to hear about how you past fear held you back on your studies. I wonder what you have learnt from that experience? Yes, Natan was heartbroken and felt many other painful emotions for a few day. Nevertheless, he now knows he can survive disappointment, that has really encouraged him to be brave!
Yes my dear, I am going to be very busy until Christmas. But, that is life, isn't it? :D
I wish you and your entire family all the very best! :)
I learned that fear will not let you go somewhere and based on Natan's experience I've realised that facing your fear will let you grow and improve more....
Yeah busy life is happy. Life 😁😁😁 so grateful for you Ms. Abi...
Much love,
AVHY
I can be pretty sure in saying that I have never had any of those...mmmmm.
(is this a psychopath gene kicking in?..oops..)
I'm sure you can work out from my life style and choices, that I'm not the type to not face my fears. Mostly.
(I was always scared of sharks, so I went diving with 5 of them in OZ, for example! lol..)
Anything that held fear for me personally, and I faced it, and has never worked out badly. Far from it, it makes you grow - and know yourself.
(I think a wide range of real life experiences, is the best teacher in 'knowing thyself')
That comparison applied in pre digital times.
Now it's more like stone agers in hyper space travel..and hence the increase in anxiety.
...I also wonder (I just thought of it because I just wrote a post about it..)... if children not having as much imagination today incites more potential anxiety as adults?
If they have never really thought about things, (use their imaginations) then more things will bring on the anxious feelings as adults, when they actually experience life...?
I'd love to tell you all about my fears - but I'm too scared..
😂 😂 😂😂 😂 😂
(I can't berate you for anything, this week - I've had 2 days off! lol)
edit:https://steemit.com/blog/@lucylin/the-quiet-weapon-against-freedom
I SO agree with this 😅
I have never come across anything (e.g. studies, hypotheses) indicating that low levels of imagination in childhood correlates to anxiety in adulthood. Plus, don't forget that one of the characteristics of highly anxious people is that they overthink, ruminate etc... But, since we are in this discussion, recent research has demonstrated that children who have less toys are more imaginative than those who have loads. One suggestion for why this is so it's that children with less toys spend more time with a particular one elaborating more story lines around it and so forth. Unlike kids with 100 different toys, who are more likely to switch from one to another and than another.
Can you imagine this? I have friends whose child's room look like a toy store! Oh well ...
Have a wonderful week ahead!:)
More evidence that decadence leads to the destruction of a successful society - as seen throughout civilizations...
....I never fit into that category myself, so not really.
( my box of soldiers, an air rifle and fishing rod was about it!- a regular huckleberry finn, I was, growing up!)
You have friends?
😂 😂 😂😂 😂 😂
(Reg, Derek and me don't count in this census.)
Have a great week, yerself!
Something that you might find interesting, Senhora ...
..or not,
😂 😂
... I dunno...
https://steemit.com/blog/@lucylin/fixing-your-own-mental-illness-a-perspective-from-someone-who-was-mentally-ill-session-1
update !!!
https://steemit.com/blog/@lucylin/session-2-fixing-your-own-mental-illness-know-thyself
Very interesting to read @abigail-dantes
Unfortunately, I lack the psychological background, but I still consider fear to be quite meaningful today. It prevents us from doing ill-considered and dangerous things.
However, there are also fears, which are actually barriers that we have set in our heads. One should learn to circumvent these so that we can unfold freely and do not obstruct ourselves by these fears we have talked into ourselves.
Oh! I am so glad to hear you found this post interesting @astrophoto.kevin.
Fear is, without a doubt, an important regulator of our actions. Fear draws our attention to what needs to be changed, it forces us to make plan and strategize things. It is an emotion that deserves our utmost attention.
It is precisely this attention I invite people to invest in their fears. As we make it a practice, we quickly learn to differentiate when our fear is on our side, or against us :)
Thank you SO much for stopping by and leaving such a nice comment!
It means a lot to me :)
Thank you very much for your kind answer.
That's right. Knowing our fears, being able to deal with them and get it on our side is important.
Nothing to thank for @abigail-dantes :-)
How can a blog be both general and personal? Informative and compassionate? You show us how. I've looked up your website. Generous of you to offer these articles for download because they can help people.
This one hit home. Began to read, of course, and have already discovered a new word, cremnophobia).
I was really interested in your discussion of fear and culture. As you described rapid social changes that outpace genetic evolution, I thought of diet. It is suggested by some that 'gluten intolerance' is really a case of biological evolution not keeping pace with the rapid cultural change that occurred after the Neolithic Revolution.
And as for freedom and fear: in the Middle Ages we didn't have Natan's angst about choosing to call or not call, because so much was decided for us by family and culture. The modern world has given us freedom, but I guess there's a price.
Finally, I love your last line. I have not been able to overcome all my fears, but confronting them has made me stronger person. I may have fears, but I am not vanquished by them.
Thanks for a wonderful blog. A rich resource, as you can tell by the responses. I hope your pre-Christmas rush is for all the good things the season can bring.![rainbow.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/640x0/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmb1L9iXLcbAqdYXEzETvdy4mzdmcicGMeKZez6BASkuko/rainbow.jpg)
Yes, diet is a great, great way to illustrate the disparity between the evolution of our biology and environment :)
Four years ago I went through a huge amount of material that specifically covered gluten intolerance, and gave it a go. I went on a gluten free diet for 3 months, and one interesting (coincidental?) improvement I noticed was that on the second month, my hair was falling out wayyy less! That was the only time I managed to go without pizza and cake for that long. Currently, I haven't had gluten for three weeks, but I am already planning to buy some fresh chocolate croissant this week :P
Cremnophobia, huh? Thank you for the curious information! I feel compelled to bring you something back in return: mnemophobia I found this one particularly interesting!
Thank you so much for your constant kindness, motivation and encouraging words my dear friend. They truly make me smile! 😊
I wish you all the best always and forever :*
That's an interesting word. I bet you run into it a lot, as a psychologist. Cremnophobia is my personal challenge, but I never had a word for it before. This is a very specific and unshakable fear. When I was oh so very young, my brothers pushed me off a high cliff. My only hope was to hang onto a vine. I did that, but just barely. I'm OK, as long as I stay away from cliffs. Ha Ha
Gluten free was recommended some time ago by my rheumatologist and it seems to be the better way to go, for me. So many options today, it's easy to avoid gluten. Unless, of course, you want chocolate croissant:)
Thank you for your kind wishes. I wish the best life has to offer for you, also.
If you ask me, I used to fear a lot until I stood against it. I actually took out time, faced the mirror, and start talking to myself. 'What is it that you fear, why do you fear them? What would happen if you didn't fear this or that?'
I knew it was certainly becoming unhealthy for me. Imagine yourself delivering a speech and you see that bully and you start stuttering... That's a big problem. But then, I thought to myself 'Who is he? What do I owe him? This can't keep going this way' and the next time he came around, I looked in his face and talked to him. It was then I realized, there was nothing really worth the fear...
Most times, fear is a deception from our minds. Our minds make us feel them towards some particular things which aren't really worth it. You fear something?? Do it!! That's the only way you can overcome it. Once you do it, you're free for life, the fear is gone.
Nice being here, @abigail-dantes
This is truly a very inspirational account Pearl :) Thank you so much for sharing it here with us, as I am certain it will help people in a practical way. I appreciate very much when someone takes the time to share they experiences, and feel particularly happy when they can inspire others :)
Thanks, abii
I think the only thing we need fear is fear itself. Opportunities may come and go. The major thing according to a book I read that most people regret at the point of death is the opportunities that could have taken but been afraid it wouldn't pan out or that they'd get rejected did not give it a try. I think we would be better if we live our lives with the what-is-the- worst-that-could-happen attitude. If we know failing is an option, then the worst that could happen is just that :)
Good morning Green 😊
what-is-the- worst-that-could-happen attitude, I am a fan of this attitude too Green. Even more so for those of us who don't live with specific phobias or severe levels of anxiety. I have learnt over the course of my life that people truly fear being judge, failing; but, perhaps, what hold them back the most is their 'fear of fear'. Maybe that is because we live in a world where we meant to be always 'happy'.
Oftentimes people come to me and tell me how afflicted they are feeling, and go on to describe a difficult family situation, or work issues etc... then they ask 'what is wrong with me?'. I say, 'you are appropriately, emotionally responding to a stressful event'. It is as if some people don't know that, which causes them to fear sadness, to fear feeling down ... and the cycle starts again!
Thank you for stopping by my dear Green.
I wish you a wonderful Friday ❤
I wish you an amazing weekend too. Most normal behaviour is now termed strange.