We are supposed to be in times when freedom and destruction of taboos prevail on the level of sexuality. And we say "it's supposed" because at the moment of truth this does not really work like that. At least it is not for an important group of people who finally do not manage to enjoy intimacy. Some because of the so-called sexual anxiety.

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Thus, when we speak of sexual anxiety we refer to a set of unpleasant emotions and feelings that have a common background scenario: sexual relations. They include fear, tension, rejection and, finally, dysfunctions. The reasons for this may be many, but the effects are always very difficult to cope with.

"Eroticism is one of the bases of self-knowledge, as indispensable as poetry."

-Anaïs Nin-

Sex enriches life. It offers very important emotional and physical benefits. They range from the strengthening of the circulatory and immune system to the fight against stress and daily stresses. It has been said that it is a natural analgesic and also that it has a wonderful potential to enhance our self-esteem.

However, when there is sexual anxiety, people hardly find these benefits in sex. Thus, once the negative dynamic is established, any situation of physical intimacy causes restlessness and nervousness. There is no enjoyment, but fear. There is no contribution, but a feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction.

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What is the origin of sexual anxiety?

Sexual anxiety can come from different sources. Occasionally, it may be born from a traumatic experience of abuse. Sexual abuse is more frequent than is believed, in part because many cases are silenced. On the other hand, we are talking about a taboo subject that historically has tended to cover because no one in the framework in which they were produced was willing to denounce the case.

On the other hand, when the experience happens at a very young age, the usual thing is that the person has very few emotional resources to manage emotions. Thus, it is possible that the experience ends up leaving a deeper trace and undesirable effects that in the future will be more difficult to eliminate or mitigate.

Sometimes the situation is not so extreme. Sometimes sexual anxiety comes from other sources. In almost all the common element is repression. It corresponds to these cases:

• A restrictive education that condemns sex. There are many ideological and religious approaches that condemn sexual practices. They refer to them with epithets that place sex within the range of the despicable, the dirty or the immoral. Who has been educated within those parameters has to work hard to discover the beautiful and pleasant facets of sexuality
• Lack of information. Sometimes the inhibition and the sexual anxiety come from the scarce information that is had regarding sex. In that case it is an unknown world that is accessed with a feeling of prevention
• Fear of failure. The lack of experience and, therefore, of knowledge make the fear of not having adequate performance appear. The truth is that each of us make a particular definition of "adequate performance" and the bar of it can be well above the common standards. This leads to sexual anxiety.

There are other factors that can affect, such as depression, lack of self-esteem or difficulty in accepting one's own body. It is also common for anxiety to increase when there are conflicts to resolve or trust has been broken.

What to do in the face of sexual anxiety?

In many cases, sexual anxiety ends up giving way to a sexual dysfunction: decreased desire, difficulty to feel excitement, problems of premature ejaculation or pain during intercourse. All this, unless an adequate intervention is made, impoverishes the sexual life and ends up deteriorating the couple's relationship.

The main measures to take when there is sexual anxiety are the following:

• Narrow the emotional relationship with the couple. Nothing is more liberating than increasing trust as a couple. Create the conditions so that you can talk about the topic with total sincerity, with the aim of finding joint solutions.
• Learn better It is very important to know our own body well. In this case, the anatomy of our sexual organs and their functioning. Also understand what happens during a sexual relationship, in physical and psychological terms. Reading or learning more about the subject helps reduce fears.
• Enrich eroticism Sexuality is much more than intercourse. That is why it is necessary to grant the importance that corresponds to everything that promotes eroticism and the physical approach does not. This includes caresses, kisses, massages and all the signs of affection that arise in the couple.
• Discover what relaxes you. Each person is a world and in sexuality there are no more rules than those signed by the couple themselves. In this sense, it is useful to discover the circumstances in which sexuality is most reassuring. For example, the level of light with which the two feel comfortable, the moment, the place, etc.

Finally, note that in sexual anxiety there are levels. Some demand professional help, in others a change of circumstances can redirect the situation. In one way or another, if we are in a situation where we do not know how to give a solution, it is best to go to a specialist's office. In the first place, to that of a doctor, so that it discards any organic problem or that the difficulties we suffer are the side effect of some medication.

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If you have overcome these two hypotheses, it is best to go to a psychologist's office. If anxiety is at the bottom of the dysfunction, the professional will design an intervention plan adapted to our needs that will undoubtedly help us to leave the difficulty behind.

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