Am I Doing The Right Thing for My Kids or I'm Pushing Them Away From Me?
Am I Teaching My Kids To Be a Better Person or I am Driving Them Away From Me?
The love of the parents is the supreme level of love and it’s a reality that nobody can argue with. The moment a child started to form in the mother’s womb, it brings so much happiness, a happiness that nobody could express (Sorry but singles don’t have the idea of this kind of feeling). It brings so much excitement and joy to the parents especially the mother itself. They treasured every development and its transformation, they don’t want to miss any details, they wanted to know and make sure the child is always in good condition. It cannot be compared to a love from a husband, brother, sisters, friends and family members. It’s just simply an ultimate love, an unconditional love that waits no return.
Parents are starting to buy things in preparation for its birth and existence. Moving around from different stores securing things that might be good for their child, buying clothes, shoes, feeding tools such as milk bottle, spoon & fork and other things which are important for the child’s growth. They wanted to do this because it makes them happy it’s just makes them happy, assuring that all things should be must prepared for them to have a good life.
Parent’s joy could not be measured the moment the child that they’ve been taking care of for 9 months inside the mother’s womb will finally goes out to the world. Watching the baby’s face while sleeping and yawning whispering, “baby I want you to become a …” I want you to be a good person and we will be your guide all the way until the end of our lives. This desire of the parents will always stay inside their hearts and mine, making sure that it will be realize because they wanted their child to have a good future.
As the child started to grow and learn things, they’re there to guide and make decisions that they think might be helpful in building the good foundation. Teaching knowledge, send them to schools hoping to gain advancement that will guide them through all the days of their life.
Teenage Life
Reaching at this stage of life, the child turns into a kid and start to gain lots of knowledge. Teenage life starts the moment a child reaches 10 years of age. At this moment the child is no more a child, it starts to express what they wanted to have and sometimes or most of the time it will not be in line with what the parents want and will start to create discussions of why. There are even times that they do things that parents don’t like.
The kids started to gain friends from schools and neighborhood which has a direct influence to their growth. This makes all the parents worried because most of the time they don’t know who are the friends of the kid. They are afraid that this might lead their kids towards the wrong direction, opposite to what they are to achieve.
As they grow and gain years of little experiences, their desires starts to turn bold which sometimes brings to an argument because the parents could not understand the situation. This phase of the kid’s growth is very important and risky because a simple mistake might lead to something unwanted.
This Happens To Me and My Kids
I have 3 kids, 6, 14 & 16 years old all boys. I love them so much no question to that but I have a problem handling them (not the 6 yr old). I wanted to guide them because I wanted them to become a good person and achieve their goals in life. But for some reason, this desire makes me a very strict parent, I’ve become more of a dictator to them. I know this is not right and there are lots of times that I just hide and cried because I know that I hurt the emotion of my kids, and sometimes hurt them physically.
This is very wrong this is not what I wanted for my kids. My parents taught me well but what happen to my kids? Am I driving them away from me? This is what I’m feeling right now especially towards my eldest son because he has this unpleasant way of talking to his mother which makes me angry all the time because I don’t like a kid who open its mouth unpleasantly towards its parents. We don’t talk to much like before anymore due to the gap that I built for myself. I think they are afraid of me because every time they wanted to say something, I always reacted in an unfriendly manner.
I wanted to escape from this feeling but I could not help myself because every time they do things that I don’t like, it makes me angry, things that I always told them not to do. The thing that I hated most is the attitude of being lazy, I want to teach them not to be lazy because it will not help them in achieving their dreams. But even so, they still show laziness especially doing the assigned house chores instead they spent so much time playing computer games and most of the time goes with classmates and go around the city or go somewhere else.
What could be the possible reason for this? Am I a bad parents? Is there something wrong with me or in the rules that I am using to them?
These are the issues I have with my kids that I wanted to have answers on how to handle it;
- Unpleasant tone of voice in talking
- Always play computer games
- Always goes out with friends and classmates
- Refuse to do house chores
- When asking something, they won’t accept refusal
I’m not writing this to gain attention, I need guidance because I don’t want to lose my kids or drive them away from me. This is a parent desire and this is my desire. Comments and suggestions are highly appreciated, I needed it. I admit I have so much to learn as a parent.
Kids are crazy, wonderful beings. They need love, fairness and stability and will ALWAYS seek your attention (negative or positive). No parent knows if they're doing it right. No child comes with a manual. It's just trial and error.
My opinion - The problems you list can all be changed. Unfortunately they are all things you allow. You're the adult and they need your guidance. It's just the way it is. You don’t even have to punish your kids to rectify it. (although they will at first think it’s punishment). Just set boundaries and stick to them. Boundaries are walls. Kids will ALWAYS try to climb them – it’s their job, but the walls make them feel safe (even if they don’t consciously know it yet).
Good luck and keep steeming.
Great advice!
Thanks naomi, i started to understand things now. It really help expressing myself and admitting what is wrong.
This is just an excellent post. All parents have problems sometimes. I've had people stop me in town to ask if I needed help with my kids (at the time they were screaming, fighting, crying all at once) I damn near died of embarrassment! Trick is to not lose your mind when they lose it. Admittedly it's sometimes easier said than done.
I have seen Love and Logic work wonders. https://www.loveandlogic.com/ I wish this had been done with me - you give the kid 2 - "you can talk nicely to me or you can forgoe 1 night of video games." "you can do your chores or you can stay home tonite" - then there are consequences - take away their phone. Take away their priveledges - PERIOD. if your kid LOVES you all the time you are doing something wrong BUT also if they are rude and disrespectful perhaps you are not saying NO. Kids do not respect parents who do not say NO and stick to it. Kids who's parents do not say No have no discipline - often become military.
But this happen not all the time, I also have precious moments with the but sometime there cases that their attitude went over board.
Sometimes when you are lucky, you can be both parent and friend. Most of the time you have to be the parent. Teenagers will by their very nature push you to limits you have never thought you'd go. Stay the course on the principles of respect, courtesy to others, sharing the load and learning that not all wants are needs.
The teenager thinks they are grown up but they have not yet earned the privileges of being grown up because they have not yet learned the responsibilities. Let them know when they prove they have learned the responsibilities that come with being grown up, you will let them make grown up choices.
Yes @shadowspub, being friend and parent to my children is always on my mind but im having hard times realizing. I hope the advices from here will be realized and be of use for my advantage.
Juvy, you asked for my advice after reading my parenting post the other night. We have intentionally made the rules very clear in our home. We also don't have too many. But, the discipline must clear, concise and consistent. As long as they stay inside the lines we've set up they are free to make the majority of their own decisions.
As they age, it is natural for them to spend more time with friends. This is how they develop independence. Perhaps you could establish a trade. Better tone of voice, doing chores, etc, for the freedom to make some choices they don't have now. It is hard to say what you should you do. I don't know you or your boys, but the fact you are humble enough to ask makes me believe you are not, in fact, a dictator.
Thanks @markrmorrisjr, they have their own choice Im not depriving them with that rights. I just want to implement good manners which I they learned the bad outside.
Well if you have no bargaining chips, lol, then I guess the only way is to make sure you are painfully polite in their presence and talk to them about how that behavior will reflect on their future success. I find that if I talk to my kids about things I am concerned about and help them see the consequences of the choices I'd like to change, they typically understand and apply it. Good luck.