The "Greatest" (Longest) Royal Rumble
Not quite a PPV, not quite a huge house show, not quite a 5 hour paid commercial for Saudi Arabia, and definitely not the greatest of all royal rumbles, this was the GRR, and I am exhausted.
Image credit: wwe.com
Jetlag is hard, okay?
Out of all the people on this card, I would hazard a guess that Cena and HHH arrived the shortest time before the event. They're super busy people. At least, I hope that's what happened, and it isn't just that they super didn't care. Apart from the rumble match, this was the longest match of the night, and it seemed like the reason for it was that both guys were moving in slow motion. It was sloppy. It was super bad.
Fly, Cedric, fly!
Cedric Alexander gets to defend his title against a fellow face again, for reasons that I do not understand. But at least the work was great!
Expedeeetion successful
The Deleters of Worlds is not just one of the greatest tag team names ever, it is the name of the new Raw tag champs! This was a really fun match. Not stellar work, and it didn't get much time, but it clicked. And following it, both Hardys and all original Wyatt Family members had gold, so that's nice.
US Title dinner break
Yup. I saw this match starting and went to make myself dinner. I had a burger. It was delicious! Jeff retained, so that's nice and predictable.
Bludgeons squash again
The Usos deserve better than being squashed in 5 minutes, and the Bludgeons can have a better match than this. What's the end goal here? The Bludgeons have now thoroughly squashed WWE's two best tag teams. Where are we going with this story? Also, I guess the Bludgeons should thank the misogyny of Saudi Arabia for Naomi not being allowed to come out and distract them again.
Ladder goodness
By this stage of the show, I was getting restless, but thankfully this match was everything I hoped for. Miz worked up to the level of the other three, and kudos to him. Finn getting robbed in the last second makes me believe a heel turn is imminent. Which is fine. Much like Nakamura, he's better as a heel.
Double countout?
Well, this was a cheap ending to what could have been the match of the night. I'm guessing their match at Backlash next weekend will be no DQ? Or falls count anywhere? Something of that general nature.
Rusev Day is buried again
This was actually more competitive than I expected, but in the end, both members of Rusev Day got put in the casket. To have that happen on Rusev day of all days is a disgrace, I tell ya.
And then it all went to crap
Look, I had low expectations of the Universal title match. Brock hasn't had a good singles match in ages, and this feud was already dragged out way too long. I just hoped and believed Roman will finally get the belt and we can all move on with our lives. But no. Oh, no. Instead, we got the screwed up ending no one watching wanted, in which Roman speared Brock out of the cage, and Brock landed on the wall of the cage while Roman rolled to the floor. By all rights and rules, that's a Reigns win. But nope. The official said Brock's back hitting a thing that's on the floor counts as him hitting the floor, so he escapes with the title while the audience everywhere (well, except the front rows in the actual stadium, where people couldn't possibly care less) pulled out their hair in frustration.
Everybody gets these hands!
A super long, super large royal rumble match is a great time to break records. And, indeed, Danial Bryan got to break the record for longest time in a Royal Rumble match while Braun broke the record for most eliminations. This match was fun, much of the time.
With 50 slots, I'm perplexed why they couldn't find a spot for Drew McIntyre or SAnItY. Or Sami Zayn. Sami is Syrian Canadian, and has been very involved in humanitarian aid to Syria, founding a mobile clinic there. And I wonder if that's why he wasn't put on the show?
Bryan's performance was tremendous. Braun was the correct winner. KO got to tell fun stories with his various nemeses. The match lagged quite a bit in the middle, but it had a hot start and a strong finish, and Braun is the correct winner. Now, if someone could explain what the green belt he got means, I'll be happy.
Final thoughts
This was too long. It was almost Wrestlemania length, but with an often apathetic crowd that didn't help matters. At least they didn't play with beach balls or turn on the title match. Small mercies, I guess.
Having my wrestling show turn into a commercial for a country where civil rights are still a critical issue, and where women are oppressed was... problematic. And the "Saudis are great, Iranians are evil" segment was cringetastic. WWE is, as usual, one of the most problematic faves.
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