Wrestlemania 34 Recap: What The **** Just Happened?

Damn, this was a weird Wrestlemania. Most matches were either way worse or way better than expected. Up was down. Black was white. The audience was terrible, and then pretty great, and then terrible again. It was WEIRD.

Pre-Show

Andre The Giant Royal Rumble

What a mess. All images credit wwe.com
This was an absolute mess, with no coherent story or flow. But Matt won and Bray is his buddy now, and that's nice.

Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali for the Cruiserweight Title

So happy Cedric's happy!
This was good and pure. I thought they leaned too heavily on "I'm the soul of 205" and "I'm the heart of 205," but these guys are great, and told their story well. And Cedric was absolutely the right call here. I wish the audience cared about the match. It would have been so much better with some crowd support. I guess this is partly because 205 is still not quite the hit and partially both guys being faces, and not the super over faces of the IC title match.

Women's Battle Royal

Look behind you, Bayley!
This was everything the Andre wasn't. It had multiple storylines play out, with the NXT women working together and the Riott Squad working together. Ember wasn't in it, and Becky was eliminated midway through, which made the false ending with Sasha and Bayley super believable, and then the twist of "oh yeah, Naomi's still here," was just excellent. I cheered, I rejoiced, I ended the preshow happy and super pumped for the show.

Main Show

The Miz vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Bálor for the IC title

Air Finn
The Miz played this match like a face, which was kinda odd. Probably because he's going to be promoting his reality show mostly, for the next little bit? This was super good. These guys are all just stellar at their job, and the match moved with some great moments. Seth won, which was not the result I was expecting. But Seth is great, so I'm cool with it.

Asuka vs. Charlotte for the Smackdown Women's Title

That hug, though
I'm gonna go ahead and say it: Match of the night. Big fight feel, the crowd was super into it, and everything was crisp and meaningful and worked. These two are on a different level right now, and fully justify their clear positioning as the top two women in the company. It seemed like I was in the minority in thinking Charlotte goes over here, but hey, I was wrong so often tonight, it was good to get this one right! The part after the match? Asuka saying "Charlotte was ready for Asuka!" and the hug? It all felt right and good. And it should have closed the show, not been the second match.

Randy Orton vs. Bobby Roode vs. Jinder Mahal vs. Rusev for the US title

Best part of the match
Welp, this certainly happened. It wasn't as bad as I feared, but why are we going down this Jinder road again? Can't it be Rusev day for real already? At least Randy dropped the title.

Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey vs. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon

Surprisingly not terrible!
This was a million times better than I expected. Ronda actually performed really well, was massively over, and the whole thing - the longest match of the night - was really good. Pure sports entertainment, obviously. Wasn't much rasslin here. But this was what they were doing and it super worked!

The Usos vs. The New Day vs. The Bludgeon Brothers for the Smackdown tag titles

So, yeah. This entrance definitely happened.
As much as the previous match beat expectations, so did this match fail to meet them. This was a glorified squash, that went on for less than 6 minutes. These guys can do so much better than this, and I hope they get the opportunity when the Usos get their rematch.

John Cena vs. The Undertaker

Taker actually moved!
Not a main event, and kind of a squash match? The Elias trolling that preceded it was pretty funny. But the match itself? It was good to see Taker much more spry than he looked last year, but this only makes sense if the actual retirement match is next year, when Cena wins. I should also mention that "Cena is a fan in the audience" was quite a fun ongoing bit until he was called to the back when a referee very clearly told him "Undertaker is here," while the announcers pretended they can't hear what he said.

Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon vs. Sami Zane and Kevin Owens

He deserves it!
No one turned. Sami and Kevin are still "fired" (I expect them to show up on Raw), and Shane was in it for far too much of the match. But dang if it wasn't a tremendous feel good moment. This should have maybe closed the show. This or Asuka vs. Charlotte, which felt like a real main event.

Alexa Bliss vs. Nia Jax for the Raw Women's title

The only acceptable result
This wasn't quite the squash I was expecting, but it told the same story: Despite much cheating by Alexa, Nia gets her righteous revenge, the "Goddess" gets stomped into infinity, and there is good and justice in the world.

AJ Styles vs. Shinsuke Nakamura for the WWE title

The lowest of blows
This was kind of a huge disappointment. It's not that it was bad. It really wasn't. But it wasn't great, and that was the expectation. It all made sense post match though. After AJ won, Shinsuke pretending to show respect and then the low blow and the ass kicking. Heel Shinsuke is going to be FUN, and their next match will have a clear face and a clear heel.

Cesaro and Sheamus vs. Braun Strowman and Nicholas?!?!?! for the Raw tag titles

This adorable tiny child is one half of the tag team champions
So... what the hell was that? Braun picked a little kid from the audience as his tag team partner, and even tagged him for a few seconds. But in the end, it was a squash of a great team, and I am confused. It was funny. It was unexpected and kinda sweet? But it was weird. And it wasn't much of a match. I gotta believe this isn't how Shaemus is going out. Maybe his injury isn't career ending after all?

Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns for the Universal Title

What happened?
Everyone knew Roman was going over. We knew Ronda was going over. We knew that - barring a Shane turn - Daniel's going over. And we knew Roman was going over. And unlike the first two things, the crowd didn't particularly care for this result. So they were assholes. There were beach balls, there were terrible chants, there was generally ignoring Roman Reigns killing himself for their entertainment. And in the end, when Brock won, there seemed to be mostly shock. Maybe this explains Brock missing Raw. He had a certain number of dates left in his contract, and they wanted to add the Raw after Mania so they could fool the smart marks and have him win at Mania?

Final Thoughts

This was such a mixed bag of a show. Right up until the SD tag title match, everything either met or exceeded expectations and I was a happy happy camper. Then things got derailed, and the great feeling kinda dissipated. By the end, I just wanted Roman to pin Brock already, and even that didn't happen. But I'll remember the tremendous Asuka vs. Charlotte match and the great IC match and the terrific women's Royal Rumble and Shinsuke's amazing entrance and him turning heel. There was a lot of good stuff in this show, and to me, it outweighs the bad.