Can You Change A Negative Mindset?
You know what drives me nuts? When I see someone holding themselves back. When I see HUGE potential in someone, but they don’t see it themselves.
When the ONLY thing stopping someone…
…is themselves!
When someone you love more than anything in the world is their own worst enemy…it’s frustrating to watch, and it hurts to see that they’re suffering because of their own mindset.
When someone you love has zero opportunities, and it’s not because they aren’t out there…
…it’s because they BELIEVE that they are not good enough to receive them (even though they are).
These are the things that drive me nuts.
I used to be that person.
I’m not really sure how that all changed, other than a series of fortunate events and meeting all the right people at all the right times.
Yet, even if you meet all the right people, and your mind isn’t open or ready for change, you’ll always just be stuck in the same rut.
I love the quote:
“If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll have what you’ve always gotten. If you want something you’ve never had before, then do something different.”
This is such simple yet brilliant advice. It’s so obvious, yet sometimes we’re so distracted by life that we forget to put it into practice.
We forget to stop and think about the fact that maybe the reason we never meet our new years resolutions is because we always try the same old thing.
Like, for me…I always had this goal about being healthy.
But, I never actively pursued it and got results until I decided to do something different- see a nutritionist each week on the reg.
Paying someone to keep me on track was something I’d never done before…and I obviously wasn’t doing myself any favors trying to figure it out on my own.
So when I finally woke up and realized that i just needed to do something that I’d never done before, I basically hired someone to help out, and it made all the difference in the world!
I shared that quote with a family member today, but it just made him angry at me.
What drives me nuts is he’s smarter than me. He could be doing so much more than me. Yet, I get heartbreaking messages from him all the time about how everything is going wrong for him, and he can’t find a job.
He gets in his own way because he didn’t finish college.
Ironically, he didn’t finish college because he was just SO smart that it was literally painful for him to have to deal with professors who knew less than he did about the subjects he was studying (computer something at the time).
He said he wanted to be a programmer, but that he didn’t want to go back to school for 4 years.
I told him so don’t. Just teach yourself the skills and become a programmer. It’s really that simple.
He’s taught himself plenty of things before.
He’s taught himself how to speak Japanese.
He taught himself all about crypto back in 2012 when a lot of people didn’t know about it yet.
He taught himself how to build a computer from scratch.
Yet he thinks if he teaches himself programming, he won’t get a job because all of the job listings say they want a 4 year degree!!!
And I say BS to that.
It seems common sense to me. Put yourself in the shoes of any business owner. Or just pretend you’re hiring someone.
Let’s say you need your house cleaned.
You’ve got two choices: The maid that has a degree, and she studied how to clean, but she kinda just does a meh job and leaves your bathroom a little nasty sometimes and takes hours and hours to get the job done.
Or, you’ve got the person without a degree, who leaves your house freaking spotless and cleans in record time.
Which one do you choose?
Every single time, you’re going to choose the person that gets you the best results.
At the end of the day, that’s all anyone cares about.
Everyone cares about what’s in it for them. What can you do for them? Can you solve their problem and make their life easier?
It’s really that simple.
But, even after trying to explain this, he still doesn’t see it that way.
It sucks to see that he’s holding himself back from opportunities. Especially when I was able to start working for myself 3 years ago and I consider myself dumb in comparison to him.
But even though I used to have a mindset like his, I was somehow able to change.
Maybe it’s because when I met a friend who told me to read “Rich Dad Poor Dad” and “How To Win Friends and Influence People” I listened.
I’m not sure why I was more open to receiving this type of advice and going from a very fixed mindset to a very growth mindset in a short amount of time.
###The question I’m stuck on now is… how do you help someone change their mind set? ###
Is it even possible? Can you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped?
Yet I think he wants to be helped.
What do you guys think?
I've actually been able to motivate people before, and help them "change" their mindset so to speak. But I also think part if it came from within that person, and not all just from me.
I think I’m going to use this as an opportunity to read up on NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) or something.
I've got to rembember he's not me, and he's not wired like me, so maybe in trying to change his mind set, I have to go by his wiring.
For example, I can handle criticism. Especially constructive criticism. That really works for me, because that’s how I learn and grow.
For him though…it’s like the slightest bit of criticism makes him crawl into a hole. So I can’t go about it all preachy at him.
I'll probably replay our conversation on repeat in my head a little too much. My brain is kind of like this:
This kind of goes along with motivation. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, because I think this is an interesting topic, but I’m going to leave you with one question:
Do you think motivation is intrinsic or extrinsic?
Do you think that it comes from within, or do you think it comes from other people, or both? Let me know in the comments! I’d love to learn from you guys!
I wouldn't try to change him. Just be the best example that you can and hopefully he'll realize, "Hey... maybe I should try what Nomadicsoul is doing. It's working so well for her."
Nobody likes it when someone tries to change them. When I was eight, I tried to get rid of my brother's eyebrows with stickers. I didn't succeed, and he was not happy about the missing strands of hair.
I hope he realizes that!!! LOL I'm so glad you weren't my sibling. Although, actually, I did really bad stuff to my brother, too. Hmm, maybe that's why negative mindsets are happening.
Hey!
there are so many great quotes, sentences and thoughts in your post! Extraordinary!
I learned something very important last year: you are able to change yourself but never to change other people. Everybody has the responsibility for his own life. The best thing you can do in my eyes is: being positive and a good friend for this person. Don't try to convince him about something, what is your result. He has to find his own! You can just assist in a silent way and help him like a invisible Guardian Angel.. 😊
I approve of this hedge l message. Totally agree actually. I hope he somehow finds it within himself!!
maybe he will never.. but you cannot change his mind. it's annoying. I know...
One thing I can share with you is that I used to get frustrated with people around me. There are many personality tests that I've done, one of my trait is that I strive to push people around me to realise their dream and goals. But what I learn is that we cannot instill our passion, dedication and hunger into someone. Neither can we force others to pursue our dream.
Take for example, should you inherit a billion dollars, you would live a life as a philanthropist and travel the world to make it a better place. That is your goal and your wish. But should that ever happen, you may take a different path. And should this case falls into someone's shoe, it is normal for us to say "if I were him/her, I would.......". But that is not how things work around us.
Another example, I am sure someone somewhere around the world dreams of migrating to the US for the sole purpose to live in Portland, OR. That person who meets you will definitely think you are insane for leaving Portland for an extended period of time, as if you left heaven for hell. Not that you hate Portland for any reason, but that individual puts his life priority into living in Portland and never leave the city for the rest of his/her life.
"But what I learn is that we cannot instill our passion, dedication and hunger into someone. Neither can we force others to pursue our dream." <-- So true. I wish others would pursue their OWN dreams sometimes. But I guess that's the same as wanting to instill our passion and hunger etc. into them.
How did you know that's totally what I'd do with a billion dollars? Haha, you're also a mind reader!!! That's literally all I'd do. That, and take care of my mom and dad and grandma.
That's interesting...I've never though if I would end up taking another path if it atually happened in reality. In reality I'd probably also try to start some businesses that require lots of capital, because why not? Anyway...I'm totally digressing.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!! Lol probably someone does think I'm insane... I kind of think it would be cool to find that person on here haha
Degrees help, but it's not everything. It's attitude and like you said the right mindset. Changing him will be hard and will take time, but the thing is you can only do so much. He needs to come to this realization himself. He seems to be well qualified without a degree and instead of sulking over not getting a job, he should keep on trying whilst working on something for himself or with someone else. You seem to have ideas and he knows how to program, so there could be opportunity there to collaborate on a project. It could be nothing (just a hobby), but at least that would keep him going. And you never know it could lead to something bigger. Stay optimistic! 😊
"the thing is you can only do so much. He needs to come to this realization himself. " <--- You're totally right!!! I was wondering "how do people come to this realization for themselves? And is there a way to indirectly facilitate it?"
Because I used to have the same mindset as him. But somewhere along the line it changed, and now my mindset is the exact opposite. It didn't TOTALLY come from myself, because I had people come into my life who influenced me.
Maybe I was just more open to hearing different opinions and realizing that maybe, just maybe, there was a better way than what I'd always known.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!!
This realization can come through many different sources....sometimes it is something tragic in their life that "jump start" their mindset. For a person we know, the realization was brief. He became lazy and wasn't trying hard enough to get a job after Uni, so his parents decided to cut him off financially and therefore he had to survive for himself. He was doing alright, but working night shifts in a retail store (not the dream job). It was quite harsh treatment from the parents, but one that would change someone's attitude. We found out in the end that one of the parent (the mother) couldn't see her child 'suffer', so she started sending him 'support' money. He went back to his old ways after that. This tactic of 'cutting off' worked, but at what price...he wasn't happy and the family relationship was damaged. We guess he was used to being spoilt and thought there would be an endless stream of money and no desire to get a job. It did take him two to three years of doing nothing to realize he had to do something. We have since heard he has a job now, but one to keep his day busy (yet a better job than the retail one). We wonder sometimes where it went wrong as we knew him before as the guy who wanted to make his own money. Maybe it was a realization that it's harder to get to the top these days and therefore the easy route is to live off mum and dad? Something else in his life affected this? We don't know.
Maybe your friend or relative needs to be surrounded by people you were surrounded by. A little push in the right direction doesn't hurt. :)
Happy to share our thoughts!
Well I can tell you/him right now that having a degree doesn't really do anything for you in itself. I graduated with a degree in finance in December 2008, possibly the worst time ever with that degree, and I only used it once for about a month and a half since then. I only had labor jobs before that, and other than that I've had only labor jobs since.
When I was younger I really wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to make a difference and make the world a better place. I didn't. Now that I'm older(I'm 40) and have a little money saved, the most I'm really hoping for is to ride out the rest of my time in Southeast Asia without having to be a laborer anymore.
It's a nice idea to think that he will find the internal motivation to make things right for himself, but as time goes by the idea of potential starts to lose the battle as evidence starts to stack up to the contrary. This is a problem to fix when you're young.
I've read the books you mentioned. I think Kiyosaki is a con artist and the Dale Carnegie book tells you to blow smoke up people's arses to get what you want because people are stupid monkeys and that's how they work. I'm not saying the Carnegie book is wrong, but I find the ideas expressed to be depressing. I don't think this type of thing will work for him.
If he's logical, he needs evidence, not books about chicanery. You do make a good point with, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll have what you’ve always gotten. If you want something you’ve never had before, then do something different.” Opportunity doesn't come from being the best or even good. It's a sad fact that we don't live in a meritocracy, but opportunity does increase dramatically with increasing your potential for opportune moments. That means getting out and meeting people, becoming involved in projects, and showing what you can do. Go to meetups, volunteer, talk to friends, meet friends of friends, meet friends of friends of friends, etc.
To a degree it's a numbers game. The more you're out there, the more chances for luck. It can be explained through chemistry and thermodynamics. Entropy is comparable to meeting people and enthalpy is comparable to increasing the networking with people you already know. Increase entropy and enthalpy, and you'll have more effective collisions. Effective collisions is what you're looking for.
"but as time goes by the idea of potential starts to lose the battle as evidence starts to stack up to the contrary. This is a problem to fix when you're young." <---Eeek I know! I hope 27 is young enough.
True...he is logical and does need evidence. I don't know how to give him evidence other than story after story of myself, and people I've personally met who are able to do things.
Like for me, I haven't used my degree, either. I studied to be a spanish teacher.
Then I taught myself some marketing/ e-commerce skills and have been working online. I even got a job offer because of the skills I learned (I turned it down).
A degree isn't the only way.
Yeah, I read Rich Dad Poor dad while ago, same with the other one...I don't even remember them SUPER well...but I remember that they helped me go from thinking things like "why bother trying, 99 percent of businesses fail" to thinking "Ok, I can do things. I'm going to give myself a chance."
That's the main takeaways, just changing to a more believe in yourself sort of mindset. A mindset that says you're not stuck by society. Because you're not. I've proven it to myself. I don't HAVE to be stuck teaching Spanish just because that's what my degree is in, for example.
You can still do something with your life even at 40! You could still have 40 more years left in you!! Maybe more! All of my skills I've learned in just 2 years! I grew ig accounts multiple times over to 15k, 30k, and 100k followers! People will pay for that kind of stuff (I didn't like it though, so I sold all of my accounts and didn't help run someone else's social media when they asked. Lol I need to figure my stuff out, too haha. I def. don't have it all together yet).
Thanks for sharing your thoughts
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This looks like a story about Bill gates. Great post though!
Thanks!
Your welcome :)
Great post I enjoyed reading. I think you can't talk someone into changing if they don't want to. That's the same for addictions such as alcohol, cigarettes, drugs. In my opinion, the person has to find the will to do it by themselves, they might be inspired by others, but they don't like to be told.