TW: Talking about my Trauma and Broken Boundaries.

Last night I ineffectively tried to discuss my personal trauma caused by the domestic violence we experienced earlier this year, to put in perspective to my ex, why I was breaking up with him. I wanted him to understand why fighting fate wouldn't change our fate, only complicate it even further. After having many traumatizing break ups, I didn't want this to be one of them on both parts, but I have no control over how he feels or reacts to this separation. This is a sad realization that we are not going to break even, and that this is going to hurt.

Realizing that the break up was going to happen felt good to me. I didn't have to pretend that I wasn't terrified that as soon as I went to sleep that my body could be used for his pleasure in an uneven exchange of sexual energy. The thing is, I have been doing this in my wake as well, allowing this uneven exchange to happen. Disconnecting my thoughts and desires and becoming nothing so he can feel something. Luckily I woke up to my own bullshit. And as much as I wish he'd wake up to his own bullshit, he can't fix what he doesn't see as broken. Being awake to my own bullshit isn't going to do anything for him, it's an inside job. As a new rule/boundary, I am choosing to separate myself from him. Refusal to seek help or acknowledge that he needs help tells me how he feels about my trauma, that it's a non-issue... I use to think that since he stuck around for all of my healing that I owe something to him. That my body was owed to him and that my love was owed to him. Because he let me take my emotions out on him. It's not easy to be around someone who is seemingly angry for no reason, who seems to throw things, break things and yell and scream and shout for no reason. He could have and should have left me but chose to stay.

That's the thing, he chose to stay... so I chose to stay. Things got less violent and I thought of this as things getting better. The next thing to fix was my thought that I owed him anything. Once I let go of that, I saw that there was nothing keeping me in this state of fear but myself. This was good news, because I am the keeper of my self and can adapt new ideas into my life and add the right information to my thoughts in order to become the change that is needed in my world. This is a game changer. Where I felt silence was the answer, now I flipped the switch. Now I don't care who knows what we're going through because keeping quiet or becoming nothing isn't the answer to my problems. Creating a discussion about them, however, is like watering the seeds of change. Opening up my trauma for discussion can give me a chance to break out of my form and grow.

If you are going through or have gone through sexual trauma please reach out, you are not alone in this just as I am not alone in this.

Feel free to share your own thoughts and experiences in dealing with the aftermath of trauma and please be kind, we are all fighting an internal battle that cannot be seen or heard at times, only felt.