I Am Not and Will Never Be My Mummy
However cruel and bad I may sound to you, this is what I really think and feel.
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My mummy is the epitome of NOT TO BE. She doesn't know how to drive, she doesn't know how to decide between want and need, she doesn't know how to manage her money, she doesn't know how to understand her children, she doesn't know how to be grateful, she doesn't know how to show by example and most important, she has lost the ability in parenting. I can go on and on about this.
She, as a housewife, takes care of her husband (my dad), the house and our household essentials. That's it.
These are my honest heartbroken opinions as a daughter. To be frank, I've given up on her.
She felt she is entitled from her children
She has sacrificed her life in raising 4 of us, so she felt my siblings and I are entitled to give her living allowance. This became our main source of argument. I am not in a good financial state that even RM200 (52USD) can last me for 2 weeks of food. I begged her to understand my financial status that I'm no longer able to provide her allowance but she doesn't listen. She doesn't understand.
She's a slave driver.
Like I've mentioned, she doesn't know how to drive. Yet, she needs to go out and buy things. When I'm not around, she'll ask my siblings who live at least 20 minutes drive away to pick her up and fetch her to the supermarket or shops. When I'm around, she'll demand me to drive her around without asking if I'm available. There are e-ride hailing services in our vicinity, but she's scared of everything, which leads to my third point,
She's scared of everything
The e-ride hailing (e-taxi) service available to us is Grab. She is scared she might get robbed or kidnapped when boarded a stranger's car. She is scared she might get robbed when walking to the market down the neighborhood. She is scared she might get robbed when talking in a basement car park. Her fear restricted her movements a lot, hence she needs us (siblings) to drive her around.
She has never taught me any life values
The saddest part is, all she has taught me is what NOT to do in life, and what to do on menial tasks. I guess she's task oriented. Values like generosity, love, integrity, money, perseverance and more are absent in her. Never once she had showed me any of these values, which are important in life. She had shown me how to use people, how to waste money, how to be dependent, how to be scared, how to nag, how to be inconsiderate and how to be selfish.
I taught myself life values.
She has lost parenting ability, or did she ever had it?
For as long as I can remember, few years back she's not so nosy about money. But lately, I feel all she's talking about is money, money and $$$$$. Is that what a parent really do?
What I've learned about parenting and what she does is totally opposite.
A parent teach life skills, values and financial education. She never did.
A parent let me fall and stand up again and again. She never did. I let myself fall.
A parent lead and shows the way. She never did.
A parent watch what they say in front of their children. She never did.
I seriously doubt how a good parent live like.
I am not sure what I feel when I'm with her. Is it out of love, or out of responsibility...
But I am sure of one thing!
I Am Not and Will Never Be My Mummy
@tifaong writes simple and positive practices and ideas that you can learn (or re-learn) and apply in your life immediately. She covers life lessons, self-help, relationships, and motivational contents. Her mission is to spread positivity so that we can live a happier, fulfilling life.
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Thankfully, my family is the opposite from yours..my family is so supportive and everything on my family is good.. we all work, we all have investment, insurance, career... we help each other without having to sacrifice our career or our children't future..... I have way too many friends like yourself who have parents exactly as you described. When everyone is dependent, have no insurance and rely heavily on others, then anything you have to provide means sacrifice of your children's education/future... And when your children't future is affected, then their future won't be as bright.. that is a vicious cycle..
Look at the positive side:
Cheers
I envy families like yours, sometimes. But that's just temporary.
I just hope that the children will not continue the cycle. I will definitely be the parent that I've always to be. The parent that will train and coach my child who believes in himself/herself and will shine the brightest.
Thank you for the positive comments, @orangila.
Yes, I'm grateful that she has shown me what NOT to do which is also equally important as What to do.
And I'm definitely in better position and have more knowledge that I can provide to my future children.
I wish all the best healthy and happiness to you and your family :)
You're right, she's taught you how NOT to be. Unfortunately, there are no licenses to become a parent. Anyone with the appropriate body parts can make a baby. It doesn't mean they're a parent.
I get criticized by other people for my parenting methods. My kids are self supporting. My daughter is in an accelerated Master program right now. My son, is not figuring out what he wants to do, since he's learned what not to do. I don't tell them what to do anymore. They're 24 and 26. It's not my job any longer. I cannot live their lives for them. I have always allowed them to express themselves in any manner they felt they needed. I may not always agree with their decisions, but it's not my place anymore to tell them how to live. I give suggestions. It's up to them to make the choice.
I think part of your feelings is it is your mom. You always feel an obligation to parents. My mom I would do just about anything for. She raised me to think for myself and be responsible for myself. My father on the other hand.... He's in a special place now for people of his caliber. NO parent should ever try to kill their own child. They should just leave them be rather than destroy them.
So being the type of mom I am. You have to take care of you first. Your rent, Your food and the things you need come first. If you do not have enough money to give her then don't. If she cannot accept that. It's her problem not yours. The downside, is your family may feel otherwise and give you a hard time. Definitely find some way to setup some boundaries that you are comfortable with.
@tryskele, you're an awesome mum, I can tell based on your comment. It's the kind of mum that I've always wanted, a mum that will let me fall and grow by myself. A mum who will let me live my own lives. Keep it up, you're doing great for your kids!
Thank you for the advice @tryskele. It's sad that she doesn't understand but I believe she will understand, when she will.
Boundaries? What do you mean by boundaries?
Dear,
Please try to understand me carefully
Your Mother Needs You as you needed her in your childhood!!!
Would you believe if I say that you can divide this whole Population into 5 different types of Personalities?
Your thinking and the way of taking life is way more different than your mother, and you must thank her for that. She is cautious because she must had seen or experienced something bad in her past. Talk to her!!
I know you love her thats why you are still taking care of her. Love her more because you don't know what tomorrow brings!!!
Make yourself strong and work to earn those overvalued money which she and lastly you want.
As your family did for you in your childhood.
She might have not given you few thing you really want from them, but she gave you the most important gift i.e. "Your Life"
If you love your life then love your mother
If you don't love your live then you must love your mother 😂 Because she need your love and care ☺🤗
Thank you for your encouragement @silentkiller. Your last few words really strike me.
I do love my life and it's thanks to her that I'm given life to live. I'm thankful for that, and only that.
Love and care? I'm not sure if I can do it yet... I'm trying and trying...
Im sorry, @tifaong, I truly am! I know you didnt write this to hear the Im sorrys. Ive know many people who have the same type of relationship with their mother or father, or even worse both. I consider myself lucky to have the complete opposite relationship with my mother. If nothing else, she taught you exactly how not to be. You learned how to be a wonderful person from watching her actions and knowing thats not how you want to be. Ive read many of your posts and I dont think Ive ever read anything negative from you. Im sorry its your mother who brings out the negative but its a sad truth for many. Dont let her cold heart turn yours cold, youre better than that!
Thank you @smylie2005 for your kind warm words. I'm really grateful that there are people around like you who are always caring and on the look out for others.
She did taught me a lot of what not-to-be's XD
She's one part of my life which is still dark, and I'm trying to making it brighter each time I see her when I go back to my hometown. Progress is rather slow, but at least I'm trying to make it better. Sometimes, less communication is better for the 2 of us.
Some moms simply dont know how to mom... At least you try. Thats all you can do! Keep your head up! ;)
Thank you for your kind encouraging words, @smylie2005! I'm good now :)